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How to get ready for that TSA pat down

By zzyzzx   Follow   Mon, 16 Jul 2012, 7:46am   662 views   5 comments
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http://thewashingtonfancy.com/2011/09/18/man-takes-viagra-wears-sweatpants-for-tsa-pat-down/1500#

Man Takes Viagra, Wears Sweatpants for TSA Pat Down

NASHVILLE INT’L AIRPORT — A Wyoming man walked through a TSA checkpoint with a raging erection on Thursday, daring TSA officers and even fellow passengers to give him an invasive pat down.

“I’m next,” Warren Kelvin, 34, screamed as he pushed to the front of the security line. According to TSA officials, Kelvin had ingested two Viagra and wore sweatpants without boxers for his Southwest flight from Nashville to Phoenix.

“I thought he was carrying a baton in his pants,” said Amanda Watershed, second shift supervisor of the A Terminal at Nashville International Airport. “Nope… That was his penis.”

Even though TSA officials allowed Kelvin to initially pass through security without the controversial pat down, the passenger on more than one occasion got back in line until he felt that he had been thoroughly inspected. Kelvin finally got the invasive pat down by 38-year-old officer Duncan Allbright after 80 minutes and four trips through security.

“Even after we let him pass through he kept walking out of the terminal and getting back in line,” said Watershed. “Finally, Duncan had to bite the bullet for everyone and do a thorough screening of him in a private [security] room.”

Allbright, a 14-year veteran of airport security, announced his retirement shortly after Kelvin boarded the plane. “I’m going home to take a shower and make love to my wife,” said Allbright as he got into his car. “This job isn’t for me. I’ve suddenly lost my passion for touching strangers.”

U.S Homeland Security director Janet Napolitano dismissed concerns that more TSA officers would quit or that more travelers would take similar measures to get their “jollies”. “I am hoping this is an isolated incident. If flights were a lot cheaper, I could see more people doing this,” said Napolitano, “but with the cost of airplane fuel rising, I don’t think $560 roundtrip is a bargain price to get fondled.”

Calls to TSA headquarters went unanswered, as everyone there is just exhausted.

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1. CaptainShuddup Follow Befriend (1) 246 threads 4,658 comments

   1   8:05am Mon 16 Jul 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like (1)   Dislike (2)   zzyzzx says Allbright, a 14-year veteran of airport security, announced his retirement shortly after Kelvin boarded the plane. “I’m going home to take a shower and make love to my wife,” said Allbright as he got into his car. “This job isn’t for me. I’ve suddenly lost my passion for touching strangers.” "What's wrong you don't like the Scungilli?"

2. zzyzzx Follow Befriend (9) 410 threads 4,107 comments Baltimore, MD

   2   12:11pm Tue 17 Jul 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like (1)   Dislike (1)

3. leo707 Follow Befriend (12) 10 threads 3,516 comments Oakland, CA leo707's website Premium

   3   2:32pm Wed 18 Jul 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like   Dislike   Protected   Jonah Falcon was stopped and frisked by the TSA at the San Francisco International Airport on July 9 because of a bulging package hidden in his pants. "One of the guards asked if my pockets were empty and I said, 'Yes.'" * * * * * "Another guard stopped me and asked me if I had some sort of growth," Falcon said, laughing. Indeed he did have a growth. By the age of 18, Falcon knew he had something special when his manhood reached a whopping 12 inches. His family jewel was hailed as the world's largest on record after an HBO documentary featured him in 1999. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/16/jonah-falcon-largest-penis-frisked-by-tsa_n_1675767.html

4. zzyzzx Follow Befriend (9) 410 threads 4,107 comments Baltimore, MD

   4   10:44am Thu 19 Jul 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like (1)   Dislike (1)   http://floorgem.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/TSA-Infographic.gif

5. AlexS Follow Befriend (1) 1 threads 284 comments

   5   10:55am Thu 19 Jul 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like (1)   Dislike (1)   zzyzzx says Kelvin finally got the invasive pat down by 38-year-old officer Duncan Allbright after 80 minutes and four trips through security. great idea. Another good idea is to not take out your laptop. Sometimes they notice and have to resend your stuff, which delays them further. If everyone did that, the lines would get long, and they would have to give up their gropings and microwaving. Always fight the bureaucracy with their own procedures, it stalls them, it delays them, it makes what they do more expensive.