Could the Veteran Combat Hair Stylist Have Been Any More Obnoxious?

By APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch   Follow   Sat, 17 Nov 2012, 4:28am   605 views   8 comments
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I was thinking the other day about just how Romboid could have been more obnoxious. I mean, it was clear that he thought most Americans were useful for nothing but target practice by worthy human beings on helicopter hunting excursions. His campaign slogan might as well have been, "Fuck You, Worthless Goat Fuckers, Vote Me!"

Here are some ideas:

Appears on TV dressed as Pharaoh, beating off on a pile of grain in some bizarre reenactment of an ancient Egyptian fertility rite, as interpreted through a bizarrer Mormon plutocrat filter, turns to the camera and intones, "Me Mittukamen I, bringer of good harvest! Vote Me or Gods be very angry!".

Whistlestop tour. Train rolls into station, stops, the combat hair stylist appears in the door of the caboose and calls out to the crowd, "People want to know what I'll do for America. I'll tell you what I already did. I shaved my gonads so you can really enjoy licking my regal balls! Here, Ann will demonstrate!"

TV Spot: Mitt in a helicopter with a rifle. "Hi, I've robbed and pillaged this country from the Blue Ridge Mountains to amber waves of fucking blah, blah, blah and I've got all the toys but one: the White House." ESTABLISHING SHOT: Helicopter comes to a stop over a Fourth of July celebration. Shots ring out. Chaos. Tuba player on band stand pulls a sawed-off shotgun from his instrument and fires a shot at the helicopter. Head-shot takes out tubist, who collapses. HELICOPTER INTERIOR: Mitt is laughing uncontrollably and turns to the camera, wiping his eyes, "Don't be an asshole like that fat guy, vote Me." Mitt turns to Karl Rove next to him, "What a hoot. They get all spazzy and shit when you get 'em with a head shot."

Televised debates: Mitt answers every question by pulling out a dollar and offering to give one to every voter that votes for him. "A dollar. More than most of you half-wits will ever have in the bank in your lives. Yeah. Yours. My people will be at the polls waiting to trade a whole dollar for your cooperation in establishing the Mormon Dynasty my daddy promised me. Think about that, America!"

TV Spot: Placard reads 'Mitt on the Deficit' Mitt says in close focus, "Oh, fucking simple. Sell Minnesota to China. Done. We'll end up net positive. You know what a Chinaman will pay for a blond woman? And, who cares, they're going to hell. They're all Lutherans up there or something."

Natonal tour bannered as 'The I'm More Negro Than Obama Tour'. Mitt appears in blackface singing the greatest hits of The Four Tops, The Temptations. The O'Jays and Chaka Khan at completely empty stadiums, except for the few hundred homelesss people his campaign gives hamburgers to bus in and pretend to be enjoying the show.

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  1. taxee

    88 threads
    El Cerrito, CA

    1   4:56am Sat 17 Nov 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like   Dislike  

    Mittens was a much more convincing liar. But the message was all screwed up.

  2. The Professor

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    2   8:56am Sat 17 Nov 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like   Dislike  

    Apocolypse is my friend. He so funny, and wise.

  3. Ceffer

    22 threads
    Berkeley, CA

    3   9:19am Sat 17 Nov 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like   Dislike  

    I don't know. He could have rolled and eaten his boogers in public, that would have been a little more obnoxious.

  4. Vicente

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    273 threads
    Davis, CA

    4   1:01pm Sat 17 Nov 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like   Dislike  

    I think he should have had a reality show like The Donald.

    Idea: Mittens, The Super

    Watch as he takes the tenants rent checks, claims they were late paying and assigns them penalties next month. He gambles with the pot and keeps all the winnings for himself. RMoney proselytizes Moronism of course, offering a discount to special friends.

  5. curious2

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    5   1:41pm Sat 17 Nov 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like   Dislike  

    In the Republicans' primary competition to see who could be most obnoxious, their second choice was Santorum, who should have been wiped off the platform and flushed from the party. The scary thought is there are people out there who voted for one or both, and insisted violently that others do too:

    So, the prize for most obnoxious goes to The Average Republican Primary Voters, and Mittens could have been more obnoxious by being more representative of them.

  6. Vicente

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    Davis, CA

    6   1:53pm Sat 17 Nov 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like   Dislike  

    Yeah that lady looks like a real winner:

  7. zzyzzx

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    883 threads
    Baltimore, MD

    7   4:10pm Sat 17 Nov 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like   Dislike  

  8. APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch

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    8   12:48am Sun 18 Nov 2012   Share   Quote   Permalink   Like   Dislike  

    Romboid could have also randomly dropped trou on the campaign trail to take a shit in baby carriages he encountered. At the least, it would have been at par with his bizarre accusation hurled at one lady that she fraudulently presented store-bought cookies as her own.

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