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Friend is a serial cheater, he has wife and kids... should I rat him out?

By Goran_K following x   2013 Apr 11, 2:38am 20,245 views   87 comments   watch   sfw   quote     share    


I work with a huge client in Los Angeles a couple of days a week. It's pretty lucrative work, and this client alone accounts for about 20% of my businesses revenue per month. The way I "got in" was through a friend who hooked me up with the right people in the company, and as luck would have it, he's my direct contact within this mega corporation.

We're both married with kids. I met him during my days at Goldman Sachs. Back then I was more of the "serious, get my work done to satisfy my 20 bosses type of guy", and he was more of the "joke around all the time, can't wait to punch out and drink" guy. The thing is, even with his attitude, he did get his work done, but he never seemed to like it. I think they kept him around just because everyone liked him. He would spot people $20 for lunch if they forgot their wallet, always volunteered to give our group of friends a ride to lunch, etc.

He is one of those guys who is a skilled conversationalist, both at starting, and continuing, and I think his people skills have helped his career immensely. He just gets people to feel comfortable really easily. I got sent to Hong Kong and other parts of Asia for a few years, he ended up staying state side and moving up the ladder, so to speak. By the time I came back, this guy was solidly mid-management, almost director level.

I ended up starting my own consulting firm, and he kept moving up the ladder, going to different companies, getting promoted, higher salary,etc. So now he's pretty much a big shot at a huge company in L.A and I'm happy for him.

So last week, I'm in the city until around 6pm, and I know with the traffic going back to Orange County, I figure I'll just have dinner with the guy. We go to Maestro's in Beverly Hills, and have a feast. This guy puts it on his company CC, and pays for the whole thing (just the type of guy he is). We get into a conversation about our families, etc. I tell him about my kids and how happy I am to be a home owner again, etc. Then he drops it on me.

Friend: "So all those years being married, did you cheat on her on business trips?"

Me: "No, I'd never do anything like that. I look, but I don't touch. Have you?"

Friend: "All the time. You're missing out. I rub beards when I'm out on the East Coast, and I even have a steady in New York. She's married too. It's actually made my marriage better."

Now the thing is, I KNOW his wife, and his wife and my wife know each other. They're Facebook friends, they sometimes call each other to plan play dates at the beach We've had them over for dinner, our kids have played in our backyard together, I mean, we're pretty tight. Also, his wife is BEAUTIFUL. She's 15 years younger than he is, tall, takes care of her body, and just a sweet gal.

After the dinner, I kept thinking to myself, should I talk this guy out of it? He's probably been doing it for YEARS. I don't think I should get involved and "rat him out" to his wife, but it's all been so heavy, like when you have this dark secret you don't want anyone to know, but it feels like your face is screaming it out to everyone because of the feelings of guilt. My wife even asked me if anything was wrong the other day in bed, and I couldn't hide my discomfort at knowing my close friend was betraying his families trust in such a way. Totally changed my perception of him.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't want things to get awkward but I'm thinking of telling him what an idiot he is for doing what he's doing, but I worry about the personal relationship having an effect on the business relationship. I could live with losing the client, I suppose, but I'd feel pretty bad about losing him as a friend since I've pretty much known him since after I got out of business school...

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8   Hysteresis   ignore (2)   2013 Apr 11, 3:14am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

have you masturbated while married without your wife knowing? rhetorical question. i know the answer.

it's not that different than cheating, he just does it (orgasm with someone other than the wife) with real people instead of a computer. lol.

don't snitch him out. you'll fuck everything up for him, his family and yourself(you'll cause a lot of damage. and for what purpose?). the equilibrium he has now in his life is good; if you snitch you are going to create chaos just because you feel the need to impose your values on his life. don't be selfish, let people live their lives as they want to.

extra-marital affairs are fine. he's right it can help a marriage. you get bored with the wife (and vice versa - same sex for years), you have a bit extra on the side. everyone is happy.

the only problem with extra-marital affairs isn't the sex, it's the lying about it (like bill clinton - who would've gotten off a lot easier if he hadn't lied and just confessed immediately). if his wife was more open minded and strong, he could just tell her he's fucking a chick in new york; she'd be upset and get over it because she was secure knowing he'll be home with the kids.

americans are too prudish to admit they have sexual feelings for others and too boneless to admit when they do have sex with others. europeans, in particular the french are more understanding. it's a better model.

9   RentingForHalfTheCost   ignore (5)   2013 Apr 11, 3:19am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

While I do find her attractive, I couldn't do it. Sleeping with your friend's wife is probably one of the worst things I could think of ever doing.

Get good and drunk beforehand and you will feel different. You are doing it to save your friendship and save their marriage. In the end you will be the hero. You can even talk it over with your wife beforehand and get her involved. She could be the lookout.

10   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 3:22am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

Hysteresis says

have you masturbated while married without your wife knowing? rhetorical question. i know the answer.

C'mon, you think masturbating and having sex with another woman discretely while married are the same thing? I agree the feelings, and feelings of lust might be the same but would you equate thinking about murdering someone, and actually going out and murdering someone?

One is an exercise in thought, and getting gratification from a thought, and one is getting gratification from a real world action.

I'm pretty sure your own wife would forgive one, but not the other (if you're married).

11   APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch   ignore (36)   2013 Apr 11, 3:29am   ↑ like (3)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Sure!

Show up on their lawn with a megaphone and announce the hubby is fucking everything that stands on two legs and isn't kept in a zoo!

12   Hysteresis   ignore (2)   2013 Apr 11, 3:34am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

C'mon, you think masturbating and having sex with another woman discretely while married are the same thing?

a) you're rationalizing.
b) i never said it was the same. i said it's not that different (it's not).

from a biological standpoint, there is no difference - you're cumming in both cases. the fact that it's an image of a woman versus a real woman doesn't matter to your biology (you came in both cases).

the murder analogy is not a good one, imo.
a better analogy, i think, is:
* watching some fictional video(maybe political, religious) that angers you to murder someone versus
* being in a live situation(eg fight) to anger you and murdering them
* they're both murder.
* does it matter the catalyst to the murder was a video in one situation versus being in a real fight?

the premise is it doesn't matter much whether a fictional thing or real thing (porn vs woman or video vs live-fight) , causes the action(orgasm/murder).

13   leo707   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 3:35am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Bigsby says

Goran_K says

I'd never tell his wife directly, I'm not that socially inept. I haven't even told my own wife. Plus I'm pretty sure he would get someone to kill me if I did go directly to her. But I feel like I should confront him, and let him know what a stupid mistake he's making.

YOU think it's a stupid mistake. He's obviously perfectly happy with the situation.

You are right it is not a "mistake", unless something bad happens. He is just choosing a high-risk approach to his relationship. Unfortunately his wife does not know the risk that she is being exposed to.

14   Bigsby   ignore (10)   2013 Apr 11, 3:36am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

15   leo707   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 3:36am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Hysteresis says

from a biological standpoint, there is no difference - you're cumming in both cases. the fact that it's an image of a woman versus a real woman doesn't matter to your biology (you came in both cases).

It is significantly more difficult to get an STD by masturbating.

16   Bigsby   ignore (10)   2013 Apr 11, 3:38am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

leo707 says

You are right it is not a "mistake", unless something bad happens. He is just choosing a high-risk approach to his relationship. Unfortunately his wife does not know the risk that she is being exposed to.

And who knows what she's doing when he's away. Goran's already said she's an attractive woman. If she's so inclined, it would be far easier for her to get a knee trembler than her husband.

17   leo707   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 3:43am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Bigsby says

And who knows what she's doing when he's away.

Yeah, but we can't operate on that assumption. Maybe Goran's wife knows?

Bigsby says

Goran's already said she's an attractive woman.

I don't know that attractiveness makes people more inclined to cheat.

Bigsby says

If she's so inclined, it would be far easier for her to get a knee trembler than her husband.

The same could be said for any woman.

18   Bigsby   ignore (10)   2013 Apr 11, 3:48am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

leo707 says

Yeah, but we can't operate on that assumption. Maybe Goran's wife knows?

And she's kept quiet....

leo707 says

I don't know that attractiveness makes people more inclined to cheat.

I didn't say it did. I said it would make it easy for her to do so.

leo707 says

The same could be said for any woman.

Any woman? Do you want to fuck Roseanne Barr?

19   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 3:51am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

Hysteresis says

a better analogy

No, that's a horrible analogy. Can I get someone pregnant by thinking about sex? Can I get an STD from masturbating to thoughts?

20   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 3:52am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

We agree on this.
Bigsby says

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

Not on this.
Bigsby says

And who knows what she's doing when he's away.

21   Bigsby   ignore (10)   2013 Apr 11, 3:54am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

Not on this.

Bigsby says

And who knows what she's doing when he's away.

Eh? And how would you know? You aren't stalking her, are you?

22   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:00am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

I don't work on the assumption that she is a cheater when I have no way of knowing. Regardless, even if we could operate under that assumption, it doesn't make cheating right.

23   Bigsby   ignore (10)   2013 Apr 11, 4:02am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

I don't work on the assumption that she is a cheater when I have no way of knowing. Regardless, even if we could operate under that assumption, it doesn't make cheating right.

Hence, "who knows what she's doing when he's away."

24   lostand confused   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 4:05am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Why is it your business? Different people live in different ways. perhaps it is an open marraige-maybe he is feeling you out to see if you are a swinger and will join.

I would let him be and let them figure out their lives.

25   Bubbabeefcake   ignore (4)   2013 Apr 11, 4:08am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

1 out of every 25 people are sociopathic and when the damage and carnage is left strewn from his path ....pity the next victim in his sights

26   leo707   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:09am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Bigsby says

leo707 says

The same could be said for any woman.

Any woman? Do you want to fuck Roseanne Barr?

Yes. Feel free to do a test. Put an add up on Craigslist that says you are overweight wife in your 50s, some people say you look like Roseanne Barr, and you are looking to cheat in your husband.

It sounds to me like the response would shock you.

Yes, it is true. Ugly people also like to fuck, and do indeed act on these urges.

27   Bigsby   ignore (10)   2013 Apr 11, 4:13am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

You don't say. What has that got to do with what I said?

28   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:15am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

lostand confused says

Why is it your business? Different people live in different ways. perhaps it is an open marraige-maybe he is feeling you out to see if you are a swinger and will join.

I would let him be and let them figure out their lives.

Normally I would agree, but he did make it my business by telling me, and we're fairly close friends and business associates.

It's not like he's a total stranger.

29   mell   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:16am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Don't do it,. I mean what are you now, big government? ;) Plus, the toltec wisdom says:

"1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity.
Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love." He needs to do it himself, but you can suggest to him that he comes clean and what that means for your friendship. But ultimately this is between them.

30   RentingForHalfTheCost   ignore (5)   2013 Apr 11, 4:19am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says

Sure!

Show up on their lawn with a megaphone and announce the hubby is fucking everything that stands on two legs and isn't kept in a zoo!

While masturbating obviously.

31   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:20am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

mell says

He needs to do it himself, but you can suggest to him that he comes clean and what that means for your friendship. But ultimately this is between them.

This is where I'm leaning towards.

32   zzyzzx   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:42am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

I suppose I could send an anonymous e-mail, but then I would feel like it would still get back to me somehow. I mean how many people know he's a cheater, and also know how to contact his wife? That might be half a dozen people which includes me.

Don't email her right away!!!! That would give it away.

33   zzyzzx   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:43am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

34   curious2   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 4:50am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

I wouldn't recommend interfering in someone else's marriage. Assume he was joking, which he may have been. Also, married couples tend to share priorities, even if they disagree on details. A friend said he couldn't vote for Hillary Clinton because she should have left Bill; I thought that arrogant, even if the marriage wasn't perfect they both got a lot out of it.

George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife Gracie. He thought she never knew, but he felt so guilty that he bought her a new centerpiece for the dining table that she wanted. Years later, at a party, he heard her telling a friend, "I wish George would cheat on me again, because I need a new centerpiece."

One concern though. Some guys get away with so much they slide into magical thinking, and imagine themselves immortal or at least invulnerable. If the subject arises again, ask him if he worries about how he would feel if he brought a disease home to his wife.

35   ducsingle5313   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:52am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

50% of married people cheat, so his behavior isn't any more unusual than someone not cheating on their spouse. Which is a pretty poor reflection on the institution of marriage.

That being said, I personally couldn't be friends with the guy if he continued the behavior because in my mind if would reflect poorly on me. You seem to feel the same way.

At some point his wife will probably catch on, if she hasn't already. However, for many wives, cheating isn't a dealbreaker. They are willing to tolerate it for financial stability, the kids having a dad, etc. If it is a dealbreaker, they will get divorced, he will loose half of his shit, and the family will go through an emotional train wreck.

There are studies that show children of cheating spouses are much more likely to cheat in their own relationships later in life. Which of course puts the kids at greater risk of having failed relationships.

To me the decision to tell or not tell comes down to the possibility of him infecting his wife with something like HIV, hepatitis C, etc. If she wound up with something like that, you would feel like crap, and there might be pretty severe consequences for your own marriage if your wife found out you didn't say anything.

36   New Renter   ignore (11)   2013 Apr 11, 4:56am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Say nothing. It's not your place to do so.

37   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:58am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

zzyzzx says

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

There's a cheaters website?

38   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 4:59am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

ducsingle5313 says

To me the decision to tell or not tell comes down to the possibility of him infecting his wife with something like HIV, hepatitis C, etc. If she wound up with something like that, you would feel like crap, and there might be pretty severe consequences for your own marriage if your wife found out you didn't say anything.

This is one of the things I've thought about. What if she ends up getting some horrible STD?

I really like the guy, but he dropped a bombshell on me.

39   dublin hillz   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 5:05am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

It's a tough situation - based on what you are describing it sounds like he had complete trust in you when he disclosed the cheating. Personally, I would not tell his wife.

40   zzyzzx   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 5:08am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Bigsby says

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

Obligatory:

41   zzyzzx   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 5:10am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

zzyzzx says

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

There's a cheaters website?

http://www.cheaters.com/

42   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 5:39am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

dublin hillz says

It's a tough situation - based on what you are describing it sounds like he had complete trust in you when he disclosed the cheating. Personally, I would not tell his wife.

Yeah, my general feeling is, it wouldn't be right for me to be the exposer. I'm going to chat with him, and if he wants to continue, it's his choice. Although, I do think I would rather keep our relationship more "professional" and business-like from now on.

43   Bigsby   ignore (10)   2013 Apr 11, 5:47am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Are you going to tell him you've been discussing it on a public forum?

44   PeopleUnited   ignore (2)   2013 Apr 11, 5:52am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Silence is golden.

45   CrazyMan   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 5:53am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

I don't cheat on my GF but I gotta admit monogamy is NOT natural, it's a completely made up social construct (obviously).

That said, you really shouldn't say anything, let them sort out those kinds of things themselves.

46   leo707   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 6:13am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

CrazyMan says

I don't cheat on my GF but I gotta admit monogamy is NOT natural, it's a completely made up social construct (obviously).

Sure monogamy is natural. Lots of people (and other species for that matter) practice monogamy. That said cheating and multiple partners is also natural.

47   anonymous   ignore (null)   2013 Apr 11, 6:13am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

There's a lesson to be learned here.

Loose lips sink ships.

You never know when someone you thought was your friend will turn around and stab you in the back.

48   MoneySheep   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 6:14am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

during my days at Goldman Sachs

If you had worked at GS, you might have learned to trade against your clients. What is this mean? If GS says buy, perhaps one should really sell because that is what GS is doing for their own account.

First thing is to verify the truth... did you see him having sex with the mistresses?

49   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 6:35am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

I haven't seen the act in person, but I don't see any reason why he would purposefully lie to me.

Like I said, I've sort of decided to keep out of the actual confrontation that may occur, but I will tell him my opinion of his activities.

50   leo707   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 6:39am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

I haven't seen the act in person, but I don't see any reason why he would purposefully lie to me.

Maybe he is telling another close friend about a "steady" in Atlanta, and another about one in Boston.

Now he quietly waits to see what steady lover his wife is going to complain about.

51   Tenpoundbass   ignore (13)   2013 Apr 11, 6:40am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Trust me, she already knows.
Having a friend point out the obvious would put her on the spot to make a decision based on what people thought about her, rather than what she would rather do.

That being said, I am not a horn dog, and can't bring my self to be one. But I do have friends, family and acquaintances who are huge horn dogs, and I'm quite certain their wives know. They've only broken up about ten times over the course of their marriage over it.

You may motivate her to act on the information you have, but that doesn't mean she will be grateful, and none of four of you, will never be the same friends again. Probably more than likely they will continue as a couple, he's showering her with his bounty right now. But they'll cut you guys off from their lives so they don't have to deal with the awkwardness of having to deal with you again.

Time wounds all heels.

He'll get his in the end, about the time, he's chewed up and spat out on the down slope of his climax in his career. About into the 2nd year of job hunting, and foreclosure notices start coming. Hornboy wont be so damn sexy to her then.

52   Tenpoundbass   ignore (13)   2013 Apr 11, 6:43am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

Yeah, my general feeling is, it wouldn't be right for me to be the exposer. I'm going to chat with him, and if he wants to continue, it's his choice. Although, I do think I would rather keep our relationship more "professional" and business-like from now on.

I wouldn't even do that.
He's throwing you a bone, because you have camaraderie with him, if you break that link and seem judgmental on his life choices, then what good would that do you?

You can keep it professional, by saying things like "Ah, uh, gee how 'bout those Mets?" when he brings the subject up.

53   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 6:48am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

leo707 says

Maybe he is telling another close friend about a "steady" in Atlanta, and another about one in Boston.

Now he quietly waits to see what steady lover his wife is going to complain about.

Well he does remind me of Tyrion Lannister.

54   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 6:52am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

CaptainShuddup says

He'll get his in the end, about the time, he's chewed up and spat out on the down slope of his climax in his career. About into the 2nd year of job hunting, and foreclosure notices start coming. Hornboy wont be so damn sexy to her then.

Though that would be sad, I do believe in karma, which is why I'm willing to chat with him about it.

55   Tenpoundbass   ignore (13)   2013 Apr 11, 7:00am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

Though that would be sad, I do believe in karma, which is why I'm willing to chat with him about it.

Well you do what you want, but people tend to not appreciate moral superiority.
That's not to say, we don't love to be morally superior.
See there's a problem, You're on your high horse, and he's on his horse well there's a horsie on his Ferrari. You both trying to head each other off at the pass, but with different objectives.
He's trying to throw you a bone, in the form of work, he's supposed to be the "Good boy", now if you're trying to the be long ranger too, by telling him, he's a bad man. Then his efforts is all for naught. There's not enough hand rails on that ride for two, one of you will have to get off.

56   Ceffer   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 7:38am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

I say rat him out big time. It will make your life a lot more dramatic and interesting for a while, but maybe not as pleasant.

Also, his wife might decide to revenge fuck all of his friends and acquaintances, and you might be on the list!

57   Robber Baron Elite Scum   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 7:43am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

DO NOT DO IT.

Divorce is extremely costly. It can cause family wealth to diminish upwards of 75% when you account for attorney and court fees.

Divorce is also extremely unfair to men in America.

If you really are his "friend", you would keep your mouth shut.

And it's not only for him but for the kids.

Once his children have finished college, then you can go rat him out if you want. Although I still advise against it.

It's also better you keep your nose out of people's affairs and business which is none of you concern.

Children become permanently scarred through divorce. Screw his money-hungry bitch of a wife.

The children are more important than her.

If he had no kids, than fine. Go rat him out. Even than I would not suggest it.

But since he has kids, I DEMAND AND FORCE YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

58   Robber Baron Elite Scum   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 7:51am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

What if she ends up getting some horrible STD?

What if the kids end up as some horrible criminal because they don't have a father?

Majority of male criminals in prison are raised from single mothers because they never had a father figure or male role model to guide them properly. Mothers are useless when it comes to becoming a man.

Majority of std-infested prostitutes, porn stars and whores come from single mothers.

The wife probably already has an STD. Let's now prevent the children from becoming criminals and getting STDS.

Fuck the parents. They are not important. They have already lived their life. Let the kids live in peace and give them a chance a normal healthy life.

And you want to rat him out because you had a small little issue, quarell or disharmony with him?

59   Robber Baron Elite Scum   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 7:59am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

betraying his families trust

Divorce attorneys will betray his families trust.

PLEASE SHUT UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

I have had a lot of experience with divorce, it's effects, costs and have done a lot of research into it.

Do not get involved in other people's stuff. People have been brutally murdered over stuff like this.

Not saying you will be, but you never know.

Instead of getting involved in other people's mess, go worry about yourself.

And no, I don't think it's good with what he did and is doing.

60   Robber Baron Elite Scum   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 8:11am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran... You are just like fucking realtors...

Fucking up the children's inheritance and family wealth.

61   epitaph   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 8:13am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Keep your mouth shut, none of your business, etc.

If he tries to bring it up again tell him to drop the subject, and tell him to be careful on who he tells this shit to. You are an honest guy and probably would never blackmail anybody, but some people would.

Tell him that it's in his best interest to shut up.

62   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 8:13am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

lol

I'm not going to rat him out. I think that's a horrible idea, and I do think he might harm me (who wouldn't).

But I still want to try and talk some sense into him.

63   JodyChunder   ignore (3)   2013 Apr 11, 9:17am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

While I do find her attractive, I couldn't do it. Sleeping with your friend's wife is probably one of the worst things I could think of ever doing.

And also the tawdry premise of a lot of bad porn...

"I need you to fuck my wife..."

64   PockyClipsNow   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 9:34am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

what is 'rub beards'? urbandictionary doesnt have it.

Funny thread but be aware if you interfere with a mans marriage/children that is 'declaration of war' and you might not like the rules he plays by.

65   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 9:37am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

Well he could instantly cut my income by 20%. So it's not like this goes without risk.

That being said, he's a good friend, I doubt he would flip out with me trying to talk him out of being a cheater.

66   JodyChunder   ignore (3)   2013 Apr 11, 9:45am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran -- first off, I admire your moral hygiene. You're a regular Galahad, whose heart is in the exact right place here.

My first bit of advice: don't assume everyman is about as good a person as you are, (or strive to be), and therefore, accountable to the same code. You also cannot assume that every woman expects or anticipates that their man is about as good a person as you are, (or strive to be). I think some people just don't want to be totally alone in the world is all, and they put up with the inevitable vagaries of long term commitments as well as the shortcomings of shitty men (and asshole women).

It could well be that there are undercurrents in this man's marriage that both he and his wife already sense, but which remain untagged in order for each of them to function as reasonably "together" human beings. IOW, the idea that this stuff has not yet or will never come out in the laundry is totally farfetched. Most women's intuition is impossibly acute. As insane and counter-intuitive as it sounds to someone with a high moral thread count, it could be that this particular time is just not the best for either of them to look under the rug at all the bugs they've both been sweeping under there. I think this thing will take care of itself eventually.

And, as someone else mentioned, it could also be an open marriage, perhaps even only implicitly. As progressive and fashionable as this sounds to some middlebrow intellectual types, this arrangement will also not last, (because really, what is the point anyway?), and is usually a last gasp in a relationship.

The best thing for you to do is to learn from this experience. Be sensitive to the woman and open up to your own woman about how it makes you feel. Really, seriously -- talk about it. As for your friendship with this fellow...he sounds like more of a colleague than friend. Therefore, I recommend keeping your cards close. Asking anyone to look at something they're doing is almost always going to create tension, but especially something of this magnitude. The fact that he's so glib about his corruption and dishonesty toward the one person on the planet he should be striving to do right by has probably already diminished your respect for him, which makes tasking yourself with the herculean effort of putting him in touch with himself that much less compelling.

In other words, fuck that guy.

67   gbenson   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 9:47am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

If it were me, I'd let it slip to my wife that he was fooling around. Your wife can probably better gauge what to tell, or what not to tell, his wife. She will probably be able to drop a very subtle hint that plants the seeds of doubt with the other wife (if she doesn't already know). If she does already know, she'll brush off the subtle hint, otherwise, she'll start watching him and looking for signs (which would be pretty easy to spot). Not to drop stereotypes, but guys totally suck at reading this sort of stuff.

His announcing it to you so casually means either he:
a. trusts you (which will be destroyed if you tell)
b. thinks he's indestructible (which means he's lost touch with reality)
c. wants out of his marriage, but doesn't want to initiate it.

68   AverageBear   ignore (2)   2013 Apr 11, 9:53am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

I had a similar problem w/ a really good friend while we were in college. He'd cheat on his girlfriend of 6 years. yes, I know it's not the same thing as being married, but a 6 year relationship from HS into college says something.... I was dating my friend's roomate, and they all had suspicions (sp?)... I denied, denied, denied when asked. I had arguments w/ my friend, saying "do you have any idea of the kind of 'estrogen shit storm' you put me through the other day?!".... Well, she eventually broke it up, and he was a mess for a while.... In your case, yeah it sucks you are burdened w/ the truth that you didn't ask for..... But at the same time, you are enjoying being his friend on a few levels. ($$, friendship, etc)....C'mon, this is a no-brainer. You don't tell ANYONE, and keep it to yourself. Maybe you have a drink w/ your friend, and genuinely express your sadness about his 'bombshell'. Remind him that you now have to 'keep up appearances' now that you have this in your head. Hopefully he'll understand, and maybe you can ask him not to talk about his 'adventures'. I know it's not fun, but good friends are rare.......As far as my friend and his story? I was his best man at his wedding 5 years after we graduated. He's got 3 kids and never strayed. He's a godfather to one of my sons. He's a good friend that I put up w/ through thick and thin 'back in the day'. That what good friends do.

69   anonymous   ignore (null)   2013 Apr 11, 9:54am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

Well he could instantly cut my income by 20%. So it's not like this goes without risk.

That being said, he's a good friend, I doubt he would flip out with me trying to talk him out of being a cheater.

You keep posting that you plan to "talk him out of it"

Play that out,,,on paper,,,in your head, whatever. Because I don't see that as any type of solution to what you percieve as a problem.

Gorank : hey buddy, I really think you ought to say sober when on the road, and just retreat to your hotel room early for a cold shower, and skype your wife and kids until you nod off,,,

Friend : what, you mean instead of making rounds with hordes of hot pieces of ass merely looking for a fling, while I'm away on bidness? Why, I never really thought of that,,,good idea.

Gorank: well that was easier then I thought,,,everyone at patnet was telling me to mind my own business. Idiots

Friend : hahaha that they are! Thanks for showing me the light.

70   AverageBear   ignore (2)   2013 Apr 11, 9:59am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

gbenson says

If it were me, I'd let it slip to my wife that he was fooling around. Your wife can probably better gauge what to tell, or what not to tell, his wife. She will probably be able to drop a very subtle hint that plants the seeds of doubt with the other wife (if she doesn't already know). If she does already know, she'll brush off the subtle hint, otherwise, she'll start watching him and looking for signs (which would be pretty easy to spot). Not to drop stereotypes, but guys totally suck at reading this sort of stuff.


His announcing it to you so casually means either he:
a. trusts you (which will be destroyed if you tell)
b. thinks he's indestructible (which means he's lost touch with reality)
c. wants out of his marriage, but doesn't want to initiate it.

-----------------------------------
What? No, you don't tell the old lady nuthin! No good can come out of this advice. Nothing. Now you have two people w the 'screw eye' when this guy's friend and wife come over. It will ruin the guy's friendship, the whole family dynamic between the families, the guy's marriage, the friendship between the wives. Total catastrophe. Don't buy front row tickets for this event you are causing. Let him fuck it up himself (which he may or may not do)... Goran has two options: 1) act like this info never happened or 2) do the slow fade in friendship (which i don't know if it's possible).

71   APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch   ignore (36)   2013 Apr 11, 10:11am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

PockyClipsNow says

what is 'rub beards'? urbandictionary doesnt have it.

Funny thread but be aware if you interfere with a mans marriage/children that is 'declaration of war' and you might not like the rules he plays by.

Muff diving!

72   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 10:44am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

Yeah I think rub beards is a reference to cunnilingus.

Thanks for the advice Jody, gbenson, and AverageBear. He probably won't listen to me, but in the 1% chance he snaps out of it, I'll let him know the best thing to do is just enjoy is awsome beautiful wife instead of the lonely home wrecker he's using on business trips.

73   APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch   ignore (36)   2013 Apr 11, 10:54am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Find out when he is next traveling and show up naked at his house and give his wife the good news after you give her the bad news.

74   gbenson   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 10:57am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

AverageBear says

No, you don't tell the old lady nuthin! No good can come out of this advice.

Meh, that's your opinion. My attitude on this, (and I suspect Goran's may be similar) is that he's turning the situation around. Ask yourself if your wife was cheating and your wife's friend knew about it, would you want her to tell you?

I once had dinner with a CEO of a company in Japan and a sales exec who was, shall we say, very flirtatious, while on the road. Both were married and had kids. Over dinner (one of those posh private chefs deals at a 5 star hotel) the subject of how far you'd go on the road came up and I stated my belief that I'd only do what I'd feel comfortable that my wife was doing while she was on the road. I could tell by the expressions on their face that neither of them had ever considered it from that perspective, or perhaps didn't want to. Not sure why, but the CEO whispered something to the hostess and the Geisha's waiting for us to finish dinner left shortly after. I suspect I ruined their evening, but I can still look my wife in the eye.

It's a heavy cross to bear, but I knew being a godless Atheist liberal wasn't going to be easy among all these family values religious conservatives running amok... :'P

75   New Renter   ignore (11)   2013 Apr 11, 11:02am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

gbenson says

I once had dinner with a CEO of a company in Japan and a sales exec who was, shall we say, very flirtatious, while on the road. Both were married and had kids. Over dinner (one of those posh private chefs deals at a 5 star hotel) the subject of how far you'd go on the road came up and I stated my belief that I'd only do what I'd feel comfortable that my wife was doing while she was on the road. I could tell by the expressions on their face that neither of them had ever considered it from that perspective, or perhaps didn't want to. Not sure why, but the CEO whispered something to the hostess and the Geisha's waiting for us to finish dinner left shortly after. I suspect I ruined their evening, but I can still look my wife in the eye.

How'd the deal with that company work out?

76   gbenson   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 11:05am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Goran_K says

But I still want to try and talk some sense into him.

Goran, just happened to think, you could always use the old reverse phycology trick on him. Next time this topic comes up with him, say, "Whew, I am glad we can talk about stuff like this. Cause you know, while you were away on your last trip, your wife was flirting with me pretty bad. It's great to know you two have an open enough relationship to where you'd be cool with what happened."

Too much? :)

77   gbenson   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 11:08am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

New Renter says

How'd the deal with that company work out?

They had flown me to Tokyo to do a dog an pony show of their product (we were their star customer), so there weren't any business repercussions. (Besides, we were all pretty much plastered by then anyway on some really good Sake) Not sure about the CEO, but the sales guy changed jobs a few moths later to a position where he wouldn't be on the road as much and could stay home with his family.

78   rooemoore   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 11:16am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Hysteresis says

have you masturbated while married without your wife knowing? rhetorical question. i know the answer.

it's not that different than cheating, he just does it (orgasm with someone other than the wife) with real people instead of a computer. lol.

I masturbate to pictures of my wife and it's hot.

79   ducsingle5313   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 11:48am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

If this guy is a true serial cheater, there's pretty much zero chance he will change his behavior if you talk to him. Do a little web surfing on serial cheaters if you are interested in the psychology. So if your only reason to talk to him is to convince him that he needs to stop, you might as well not waste your time.

As above, my main concern would be health risks to his wife. Plenty of Japanese housewives have wound up HIV positive courtesy their husbands' "golf trips" to Thailand. For those who have posted that telling the wife will likely have adverse effects on the kids, how do you think the kids would be affected by their mom slowly wasting away from AIDS? Or dying from hep C induced liver failure? If you knew your wife was out fucking random guys, would you have unprotected sex with her?

Your friend has placed you in a lose-lose situation. If you talk to him, his behavior won't change and your relationship may take a turn for the worse. If you don't talk to him and things blow up, your wife will be suspicious as to whether you knew what was going on, and that means trouble for you.

I think the suggestion to have a conversation with your wife is a good one. This is the kind of stuff that partners are supposed to share with each other, and the potential fallout affects both of you.

80   New Renter   ignore (11)   2013 Apr 11, 12:35pm   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

rooemoore says

Hysteresis says

have you masturbated while married without your wife knowing? rhetorical question. i know the answer.

it's not that different than cheating, he just does it (orgasm with someone other than the wife) with real people instead of a computer. lol.

I masturbate to pictures of my wife and it's hot.

She's hot? Prove it!

81   MsBennet   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 3:00pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

CaptainShuddup says

You may motivate her to act on the information you have, but that doesn't mean she will be grateful, and none of four of you, will never be the same friends again. Probably more than likely they will continue as a couple, he's showering her with his bounty right now. But they'll cut you guys off from their lives so they don't have to deal with the awkwardness of having to deal with you again.

I agree with everything the Captain said. I wouldn't mention it. And anything you say is not going to stop the guy anyway. I would just change the subject if it's brought up. He probably has some level of guilt about it. He was hoping you'd say yes, you cheated, so he could feel better about himself.

82   Goran_K   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 11, 3:09pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

Actually I do agree he may have been looking for some sort of validation from me, looking for me to recount some wild "cheat" stories I may have. It was sort of an awkward end to the conversation, and I know he could tell I was a little bothered. Part of me thinks he won't bring it up again, he's not a dumb guy, he's sharp, and perceptive. You need to be when you're in his position.

83   Moderate Infidel   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 11, 3:58pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Not only should you rat him out but you should make up a bunch of horrible lies to add to the narrative and then have an affair with his wife.

84   elliemae   ignore (0)   2013 Apr 12, 12:24am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

I hope that you realize by now that this is none of your business... and that no good can come from your telling him off, telling your wife about it, etc.

What outcome do you expect? He won't appreciate being "outed" at all and you'll lose a friend & business contact, or his wife will leave him & you'll lose a friend & business contact, or your wife will become angry at you for ruining her friendship and not only will she lose her buddy, but you'll also lose a friend & business contact... This little situation could blow up and by the time you're done, you might not be married either.

I've seen shit like this too many times. Avoid the subject and if he pushes it, tell him you're happily married and don't want to hear about it. When he's caught and it's out in the open, tell your wife he had said something about it but that you hadn't believed him. deny, deny, deny.

Years ago, I had a friend tell me about an awesome man she met who lived with his sister & her kid - the sister was out of town and the baby was so cute, she played with him for hours and then they screwed in every room of the tiny house. She described where he lived & how they had double-dated with some of his friends. He also gave her a pretty little necklace during their several day tryst.

The only problem was, I knew the guy's wife and that was their child that woman #2 had played with. I told her the deal, and asked if I could tell the wife when she returned from her business trip. She said it was ok. She gave me the necklace to return to his wife, which had been a birthday gift.

So, woman #1 returns to town, I take her to my house and tell her the deal. She's angry and doesn't believe me - thinks I'm jealous of her p.o.s., unemployed man who has assured her he would never step out on her again (!). I then give her the little necklace memento that he had given woman #2. She accuses me of having an affair with the p.o.s.

In the ensuing shitstorm, I lost two friends, the married couple stayed together... it affected my work (woman #1's brother was a customer)... Oh, and she tried to tell my fiancé that I had put the moves on the p.o.s. No immediate good came out of the situation.

Things like this never turn out well.

APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says

Find out when he is next traveling and show up naked at his house and give his wife the good news after you give her the bad news.

AF: you are twisted. But I like it...

85   Tenpoundbass   ignore (13)   2013 Apr 12, 12:44am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

elliemae says

What outcome do you expect? He won't appreciate being "outed" at all and you'll lose a friend & business contact, or his wife will leave him & you'll lose a friend & business contact, or your wife will become angry at you for ruining her friendship and not only will she lose her buddy, but you'll also lose a friend & business contact... This little situation could blow up and by the time you're done, you might not be married either.

Or his wife and your continue as buddies, but the ex-wife might start having a ball, and the time of her life, that may get your wife to reevaluate her own happiness. One of the biggest threat to a marriage, is a wife's friend who is rediscovering her self, and becomes advocate for their friends to do the same.
Perhaps so they will have a camaraderie, and become clubbing cougar buddies.

I have a simple philosophy, "Point that thing somewhere else.".
When friends or pseudo family come around me with shit spewing, I do every thing I can to get them to point it in the other direction. Every time you get involved in other people's shit, you'll get the most shit on you.

I am willing to try to help people to get out of the shit, but only if I'm asked.
Many people just like to inform you of the deep shit they are in, while not asking for any help at all.

86   edvard2   ignore (1)   2013 Apr 12, 2:19am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

I'm not going to offer my opinion on this, but I just wanted to say that its kind of cool that even though a lot of us have very different political opinions and sometimes get into heated debates that at least on this thread, there's some really thoughtful and meaningful responses. Yay for us!

87   APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch   ignore (36)   2013 Apr 12, 2:48am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

elliemae says

AF: you are twisted. But I like it...

You know moi. I try to be constructive and find the win-win scenario.

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