1
0

Friend is a serial cheater, he has wife and kids... should I rat him out?


 invite response                
2013 Apr 11, 2:38am   22,124 views  83 comments

by Goran_K   ➕follow (4)   💰tip   ignore  

I work with a huge client in Los Angeles a couple of days a week. It's pretty lucrative work, and this client alone accounts for about 20% of my businesses revenue per month. The way I "got in" was through a friend who hooked me up with the right people in the company, and as luck would have it, he's my direct contact within this mega corporation.

We're both married with kids. I met him during my days at Goldman Sachs. Back then I was more of the "serious, get my work done to satisfy my 20 bosses type of guy", and he was more of the "joke around all the time, can't wait to punch out and drink" guy. The thing is, even with his attitude, he did get his work done, but he never seemed to like it. I think they kept him around just because everyone liked him. He would spot people $20 for lunch if they forgot their wallet, always volunteered to give our group of friends a ride to lunch, etc.

He is one of those guys who is a skilled conversationalist, both at starting, and continuing, and I think his people skills have helped his career immensely. He just gets people to feel comfortable really easily. I got sent to Hong Kong and other parts of Asia for a few years, he ended up staying state side and moving up the ladder, so to speak. By the time I came back, this guy was solidly mid-management, almost director level.

I ended up starting my own consulting firm, and he kept moving up the ladder, going to different companies, getting promoted, higher salary,etc. So now he's pretty much a big shot at a huge company in L.A and I'm happy for him.

So last week, I'm in the city until around 6pm, and I know with the traffic going back to Orange County, I figure I'll just have dinner with the guy. We go to Maestro's in Beverly Hills, and have a feast. This guy puts it on his company CC, and pays for the whole thing (just the type of guy he is). We get into a conversation about our families, etc. I tell him about my kids and how happy I am to be a home owner again, etc. Then he drops it on me.

Friend: "So all those years being married, did you cheat on her on business trips?"

Me: "No, I'd never do anything like that. I look, but I don't touch. Have you?"

Friend: "All the time. You're missing out. I rub beards when I'm out on the East Coast, and I even have a steady in New York. She's married too. It's actually made my marriage better."

Now the thing is, I KNOW his wife, and his wife and my wife know each other. They're Facebook friends, they sometimes call each other to plan play dates at the beach We've had them over for dinner, our kids have played in our backyard together, I mean, we're pretty tight. Also, his wife is BEAUTIFUL. She's 15 years younger than he is, tall, takes care of her body, and just a sweet gal.

After the dinner, I kept thinking to myself, should I talk this guy out of it? He's probably been doing it for YEARS. I don't think I should get involved and "rat him out" to his wife, but it's all been so heavy, like when you have this dark secret you don't want anyone to know, but it feels like your face is screaming it out to everyone because of the feelings of guilt. My wife even asked me if anything was wrong the other day in bed, and I couldn't hide my discomfort at knowing my close friend was betraying his families trust in such a way. Totally changed my perception of him.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't want things to get awkward but I'm thinking of telling him what an idiot he is for doing what he's doing, but I worry about the personal relationship having an effect on the business relationship. I could live with losing the client, I suppose, but I'd feel pretty bad about losing him as a friend since I've pretty much known him since after I got out of business school...

Comments 1 - 40 of 83       Last »     Search these comments

1   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 2:51am  

It's not that I'm surprised, just disappointed. As a close friend of his, I know he probably felt comfortable telling me, but I wish he hadn't.

2   RentingForHalfTheCost   2013 Apr 11, 2:51am  

Geez, this one is easy. Sleep with his wife over and over, until it comes out and then back away. ;) Your definitely not thinking right.

3   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 2:57am  

While I do find her attractive, I couldn't do it. Sleeping with your friend's wife is probably one of the worst things I could think of ever doing.

4   PockyClipsNow   2013 Apr 11, 2:59am  

Why would you ever consider for a second 'snitching' on someone?
Unless he is about to committ immenite murder you better keep mouth shut.

If you snitch, everyone will hate you. His wife, your wife, his kids, your kids, him and also yourself. End the end, his wife wont leave him anyway I would predict (thats how it goes he has charisma+money - very rare.)

Also this is a good start to a murder mystery plot - you dont want your life turning into a drama you cant even handle keeping a secret dude, imagine getting late night harrasing drunken phone calls and death threats to you and your family? You really have no idea what people will do when you betray them like you are considering (snitching).

5   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 3:05am  

I'd never tell his wife directly, I'm not that socially inept. I haven't even told my own wife. Plus I'm pretty sure he would get someone to kill me if I did go directly to her. But I feel like I should confront him, and let him know what a stupid mistake he's making.

How much he has to lose, as far as I know him and his wife don't have a prenup agreement, how he could hurt his kids, etc. I think that alone would comfort me, knowing I said something.

6   zzyzzx   2013 Apr 11, 3:05am  

Aren't there anonymous ways of doing this? I'm pretty sure that there are even webpages devoted to this.

7   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 3:08am  

I suppose I could send an anonymous e-mail, but then I would feel like it would still get back to me somehow. I mean how many people know he's a cheater, and also know how to contact his wife? That might be half a dozen people which includes me.

8   Hysteresis   2013 Apr 11, 3:14am  

have you masturbated while married without your wife knowing? rhetorical question. i know the answer.

it's not that different than cheating, he just does it (orgasm with someone other than the wife) with real people instead of a computer. lol.

don't snitch him out. you'll fuck everything up for him, his family and yourself(you'll cause a lot of damage. and for what purpose?). the equilibrium he has now in his life is good; if you snitch you are going to create chaos just because you feel the need to impose your values on his life. don't be selfish, let people live their lives as they want to.

extra-marital affairs are fine. he's right it can help a marriage. you get bored with the wife (and vice versa - same sex for years), you have a bit extra on the side. everyone is happy.

the only problem with extra-marital affairs isn't the sex, it's the lying about it (like bill clinton - who would've gotten off a lot easier if he hadn't lied and just confessed immediately). if his wife was more open minded and strong, he could just tell her he's fucking a chick in new york; she'd be upset and get over it because she was secure knowing he'll be home with the kids.

americans are too prudish to admit they have sexual feelings for others and too boneless to admit when they do have sex with others. europeans, in particular the french are more understanding. it's a better model.

9   RentingForHalfTheCost   2013 Apr 11, 3:19am  

Goran_K says

While I do find her attractive, I couldn't do it. Sleeping with your friend's wife is probably one of the worst things I could think of ever doing.

Get good and drunk beforehand and you will feel different. You are doing it to save your friendship and save their marriage. In the end you will be the hero. You can even talk it over with your wife beforehand and get her involved. She could be the lookout.

10   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 3:22am  

Hysteresis says

have you masturbated while married without your wife knowing? rhetorical question. i know the answer.

C'mon, you think masturbating and having sex with another woman discretely while married are the same thing? I agree the feelings, and feelings of lust might be the same but would you equate thinking about murdering someone, and actually going out and murdering someone?

One is an exercise in thought, and getting gratification from a thought, and one is getting gratification from a real world action.

I'm pretty sure your own wife would forgive one, but not the other (if you're married).

11   Hysteresis   2013 Apr 11, 3:34am  

Goran_K says

C'mon, you think masturbating and having sex with another woman discretely while married are the same thing?

a) you're rationalizing.
b) i never said it was the same. i said it's not that different (it's not).

from a biological standpoint, there is no difference - you're cumming in both cases. the fact that it's an image of a woman versus a real woman doesn't matter to your biology (you came in both cases).

the murder analogy is not a good one, imo.
a better analogy, i think, is:
* watching some fictional video(maybe political, religious) that angers you to murder someone versus
* being in a live situation(eg fight) to anger you and murdering them
* they're both murder.
* does it matter the catalyst to the murder was a video in one situation versus being in a real fight?

the premise is it doesn't matter much whether a fictional thing or real thing (porn vs woman or video vs live-fight) , causes the action(orgasm/murder).

12   leo707   2013 Apr 11, 3:35am  

Bigsby says

Goran_K says

I'd never tell his wife directly, I'm not that socially inept. I haven't even told my own wife. Plus I'm pretty sure he would get someone to kill me if I did go directly to her. But I feel like I should confront him, and let him know what a stupid mistake he's making.

YOU think it's a stupid mistake. He's obviously perfectly happy with the situation.

You are right it is not a "mistake", unless something bad happens. He is just choosing a high-risk approach to his relationship. Unfortunately his wife does not know the risk that she is being exposed to.

13   Bigsby   2013 Apr 11, 3:36am  

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

14   leo707   2013 Apr 11, 3:36am  

Hysteresis says

from a biological standpoint, there is no difference - you're cumming in both cases. the fact that it's an image of a woman versus a real woman doesn't matter to your biology (you came in both cases).

It is significantly more difficult to get an STD by masturbating.

15   Bigsby   2013 Apr 11, 3:38am  

leo707 says

You are right it is not a "mistake", unless something bad happens. He is just choosing a high-risk approach to his relationship. Unfortunately his wife does not know the risk that she is being exposed to.

And who knows what she's doing when he's away. Goran's already said she's an attractive woman. If she's so inclined, it would be far easier for her to get a knee trembler than her husband.

16   leo707   2013 Apr 11, 3:43am  

Bigsby says

And who knows what she's doing when he's away.

Yeah, but we can't operate on that assumption. Maybe Goran's wife knows?

Bigsby says

Goran's already said she's an attractive woman.

I don't know that attractiveness makes people more inclined to cheat.

Bigsby says

If she's so inclined, it would be far easier for her to get a knee trembler than her husband.

The same could be said for any woman.

17   Bigsby   2013 Apr 11, 3:48am  

leo707 says

Yeah, but we can't operate on that assumption. Maybe Goran's wife knows?

And she's kept quiet....

leo707 says

I don't know that attractiveness makes people more inclined to cheat.

I didn't say it did. I said it would make it easy for her to do so.

leo707 says

The same could be said for any woman.

Any woman? Do you want to fuck Roseanne Barr?

18   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 3:51am  

Hysteresis says

a better analogy

No, that's a horrible analogy. Can I get someone pregnant by thinking about sex? Can I get an STD from masturbating to thoughts?

19   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 3:52am  

We agree on this.
Bigsby says

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

Not on this.
Bigsby says

And who knows what she's doing when he's away.

20   Bigsby   2013 Apr 11, 3:54am  

Goran_K says

Not on this.

Bigsby says

And who knows what she's doing when he's away.

Eh? And how would you know? You aren't stalking her, are you?

21   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 4:00am  

I don't work on the assumption that she is a cheater when I have no way of knowing. Regardless, even if we could operate under that assumption, it doesn't make cheating right.

22   Bigsby   2013 Apr 11, 4:02am  

Goran_K says

I don't work on the assumption that she is a cheater when I have no way of knowing. Regardless, even if we could operate under that assumption, it doesn't make cheating right.

Hence, "who knows what she's doing when he's away."

23   lostand confused   2013 Apr 11, 4:05am  

Why is it your business? Different people live in different ways. perhaps it is an open marraige-maybe he is feeling you out to see if you are a swinger and will join.

I would let him be and let them figure out their lives.

24   Bubbabeefcake   2013 Apr 11, 4:08am  

1 out of every 25 people are sociopathic and when the damage and carnage is left strewn from his path ....pity the next victim in his sights

25   leo707   2013 Apr 11, 4:09am  

Bigsby says

leo707 says

The same could be said for any woman.

Any woman? Do you want to fuck Roseanne Barr?

Yes. Feel free to do a test. Put an add up on Craigslist that says you are overweight wife in your 50s, some people say you look like Roseanne Barr, and you are looking to cheat in your husband.

It sounds to me like the response would shock you.

Yes, it is true. Ugly people also like to fuck, and do indeed act on these urges.

26   Bigsby   2013 Apr 11, 4:13am  

You don't say. What has that got to do with what I said?

27   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 4:15am  

lostand confused says

Why is it your business? Different people live in different ways. perhaps it is an open marraige-maybe he is feeling you out to see if you are a swinger and will join.

I would let him be and let them figure out their lives.

Normally I would agree, but he did make it my business by telling me, and we're fairly close friends and business associates.

It's not like he's a total stranger.

28   mell   2013 Apr 11, 4:16am  

Don't do it,. I mean what are you now, big government? ;) Plus, the toltec wisdom says:

"1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity.
Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love." He needs to do it himself, but you can suggest to him that he comes clean and what that means for your friendship. But ultimately this is between them.

29   RentingForHalfTheCost   2013 Apr 11, 4:19am  

APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says

Sure!

Show up on their lawn with a megaphone and announce the hubby is fucking everything that stands on two legs and isn't kept in a zoo!

While masturbating obviously.

30   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 4:20am  

mell says

He needs to do it himself, but you can suggest to him that he comes clean and what that means for your friendship. But ultimately this is between them.

This is where I'm leaning towards.

31   zzyzzx   2013 Apr 11, 4:42am  

Goran_K says

I suppose I could send an anonymous e-mail, but then I would feel like it would still get back to me somehow. I mean how many people know he's a cheater, and also know how to contact his wife? That might be half a dozen people which includes me.

Don't email her right away!!!! That would give it away.

32   zzyzzx   2013 Apr 11, 4:43am  

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

33   curious2   2013 Apr 11, 4:50am  

I wouldn't recommend interfering in someone else's marriage. Assume he was joking, which he may have been. Also, married couples tend to share priorities, even if they disagree on details. A friend said he couldn't vote for Hillary Clinton because she should have left Bill; I thought that arrogant, even if the marriage wasn't perfect they both got a lot out of it.

George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife Gracie. He thought she never knew, but he felt so guilty that he bought her a new centerpiece for the dining table that she wanted. Years later, at a party, he heard her telling a friend, "I wish George would cheat on me again, because I need a new centerpiece."

One concern though. Some guys get away with so much they slide into magical thinking, and imagine themselves immortal or at least invulnerable. If the subject arises again, ask him if he worries about how he would feel if he brought a disease home to his wife.

34   ducsingle5313   2013 Apr 11, 4:52am  

50% of married people cheat, so his behavior isn't any more unusual than someone not cheating on their spouse. Which is a pretty poor reflection on the institution of marriage.

That being said, I personally couldn't be friends with the guy if he continued the behavior because in my mind if would reflect poorly on me. You seem to feel the same way.

At some point his wife will probably catch on, if she hasn't already. However, for many wives, cheating isn't a dealbreaker. They are willing to tolerate it for financial stability, the kids having a dad, etc. If it is a dealbreaker, they will get divorced, he will loose half of his shit, and the family will go through an emotional train wreck.

There are studies that show children of cheating spouses are much more likely to cheat in their own relationships later in life. Which of course puts the kids at greater risk of having failed relationships.

To me the decision to tell or not tell comes down to the possibility of him infecting his wife with something like HIV, hepatitis C, etc. If she wound up with something like that, you would feel like crap, and there might be pretty severe consequences for your own marriage if your wife found out you didn't say anything.

35   New Renter   2013 Apr 11, 4:56am  

Say nothing. It's not your place to do so.

36   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 4:58am  

zzyzzx says

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

There's a cheaters website?

37   Goran_K   2013 Apr 11, 4:59am  

ducsingle5313 says

To me the decision to tell or not tell comes down to the possibility of him infecting his wife with something like HIV, hepatitis C, etc. If she wound up with something like that, you would feel like crap, and there might be pretty severe consequences for your own marriage if your wife found out you didn't say anything.

This is one of the things I've thought about. What if she ends up getting some horrible STD?

I really like the guy, but he dropped a bombshell on me.

38   dublin hillz   2013 Apr 11, 5:05am  

It's a tough situation - based on what you are describing it sounds like he had complete trust in you when he disclosed the cheating. Personally, I would not tell his wife.

39   zzyzzx   2013 Apr 11, 5:08am  

Bigsby says

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

Obligatory:

40   zzyzzx   2013 Apr 11, 5:10am  

Goran_K says

zzyzzx says

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

There's a cheaters website?

http://www.cheaters.com/

Comments 1 - 40 of 83       Last »     Search these comments

Please register to comment:

api   best comments   contact   latest images   memes   one year ago   random   suggestions