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Squares make better wheels!


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2013 Jul 23, 12:43pm   28,185 views  136 comments

by edvard2   ➕follow (1)   💰tip   ignore  

According to a conservative publication I unquestionably agree with, science has had it all wrong for untold 1000's of years: The wheel is clearly some sort of eeee-vil liberal hoax. The reality is that squares make way better wheels by far. The reason is that a bunch of liberals way back in the day complained that the ride they got from their square-wheeled ox carts was way too bumpy. Since we all know that liberals are all a bunch of whiners, of course they came up with a lame contraption shaped like a circle that gave a much smoother ride.

But of course we- the silent majority- know the truth! We all know the founding fathers rode around with horse and buggies that had square wheels because they were true patriots!

So- if any of you want to challenge me and say I'm wrong well Ha! No amount of common sense will ever convince me otherwise! So please- keep those replies comin', you liberals!

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1   New Renter   2013 Jul 23, 1:35pm  

Um, ok?

2   Dan8267   2013 Jul 23, 2:48pm  

Circles have a liberal bias. Circles are the most socialist of the shapes, what with all the points being equally distant from the center.

Still, I think the isosceles triangle is the most conservative shape and what true Tea Party folk would use for wheels.

3   curious2   2013 Jul 23, 3:20pm  

In related news, the executives at SquareWheel Corp, in conjunction with the folks at BumpyRide Corp and the "nonprofit" BackPain Group got together and bought some politicians, so now everyone will be mandated to buy square-wheeled bicycles and cars. You will no longer be allowed to walk or use any other means of transport. The authority to impose this requirement upon you results from the Constitutional right to interstate travel. If you like your round wheels, you can keep them in your mind, except in reality they will be taken away and you will be required to replace them with square wheels. Chant it loudly: "Four wheels good, square wheels better." Enjoy your SquareWheelCare!

4   Ceffer   2013 Jul 23, 4:07pm  

Square wheels are a liberal product by definition. The companies could never stay in business on economic merit, and the unions and executives would require and endless stream of handouts, bailouts, tariffs and subsidies from the productive parts of society to keep them afloat.

5   New Renter   2013 Jul 23, 4:41pm  

Dan8267 says

Circles have a liberal bias. Circles are the most socialist of the shapes, what with all the points being equally distant from the center.

Still, I think the isosceles triangle is the most conservative shape and what true Tea Party folk would use for wheels.

Nope, that would be a line. It's straight, its narrow, and applied to a cart completely incapable of coming around. In fact its use on a cart would result in the cart automatically digging itself into the ground yielding maximum resistance to change.

6   Reality   2013 Jul 23, 5:15pm  

While the "liberal" ideologues marvel at the rigid wooden wheel on their ox carts, the intelligent libertarians (classical liberals / true liberals) recognize that pneumatic tires deliver superior ride quality by deviation from the strict circle and forming a continuous series of microscopic flat "squares" at the contact patch. The devil is in the details, something the "liberal" ideologues are incapable grasping.

7   New Renter   2013 Jul 23, 5:20pm  

Reality says

While the liberal ideologues marvel at the rigid wooden wheel on their ox carts, the intelligent libertarians recognize that pneumatic tires deliver superior ride quality by deviation from the strict circle and forming a continuous series of microscopic flat "squares" at the contact patch. The devil is in the details, something the liberal ideologues are incapable grasping.

Rigid wooden wheels are better over rocky surfaces which might easily puncture the libertarian pneumatic tires.

8   Reality   2013 Jul 23, 5:25pm  

New Renter says

Rigid wooden wheels are better over rocky surfaces which might easily puncture the libertarian pneumatic tires.

Rigid wooden wheels are the last thing you want on rocky surfaces: awful ride quality and wooden wheels would be chipped badly before long. Pneumatic tires with proper treads are what's typically used on rocky surfaces, with reduced pressure so the "squares" are even more pronounced. In areas of jagged sharp rocks, solid rubber tires/wheels can also be used, and they also compress to form microscopic "squares" at the contact patch.

9   Tenpoundbass   2013 Jul 23, 11:41pm  

Har! You guys don't know crap!
A true Republican can just levitate on his own hubris, so it doesn't matter what shape his wheels are. They are just a distraction.

10   edvard2   2013 Jul 23, 11:52pm  

In other news, as a mounting number of conservatives clamor to maintain their claim to the ideology that square wheels are surely better, a number of wealthy individuals whom own billions of dollars worth of stock in various industries that make and sell square wheel related products seized upon the momentum and in conjunction with their already well-established umbrella groups- the most infamous and well-known being the "Square wheel alliance for freedom-loving Mericans', A brand-new political movement called the "Grandma's apple pie party" was started.

The movement of course is meant to convey to the masses that it really is a grass roots movement and that in order for all those who are true patriots whom want the bells of freedom to ring and to uphold the beliefs of the dear ole' founding father's belief in the superiority of square wheels that their cause is surely the right cause. Various get-togethers will be planned and they will then drench the air with their patriotic cries for all freedom-lovin' Americans and their quest to turn back the clock to the good ole' days when a ride in the family wagon meant a sore back from the incredibly bumpy rides those square wheels gave.

.... meanwhile... liberals are now working in their sneaky ways to try and make it clear that they want to convey their little liberal plans of convincing Americans the superiority of round wheels. Of course they will fail as Grandma's Apple Pie Party will surely succeed in stuffing the congress with their own politicians who will luckily never agree to any of that round wheel nonsense.

11   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 12:01am  

As usual, the "liberals" prefer focusing on rigid circle vs. square partisan nonsense instead of recognizing the reality that ordinary people just want ride comfort and safe wheels, not the ideological rigid round wooden wheels.

"Liberals" are really wannabe slave plantation owners: all slaves could get free housing, free food, free clothing, free education and free healthcare, at the discretion of the elitist community organizer (aka slave owner) of course.

12   anonymous   2013 Jul 24, 12:23am  

Democrats : " these angry white republicans are being all racist and keeping the black man down. Won't give him any square wheels"

*writes into law every black man be given four square wheels and a mule*

*buys a slave to pat his democrat self on the back while he drives around his well kempt good (all white) neighborhood with his round wheels*

"I'm so much better to the blacks then those racist white republicans"

13   edvard2   2013 Jul 24, 12:26am  

In the latest news the Grandma Apple Pie Party has started to succeed in part of its mission, which was to direct attention away from it's corporate backers and others like them whom have profited mightily in the industry of square wheels and to instead direct the attention towards various circular wheel policies that for decades provided useful services for the general populace. As these programs often get in the way of profits for the aforementioned corporate backers, the plan to counter that has been a success: Convince their followers that only whiners whine about screwy economics and that true conservatives know full well that they are not worthy of actually getting any of the hard-earned benefits they spend their lives working for and that any and all means to suggest otherwise is surely liberal, circular wheel nonsense which as we know comes from the "Liberal Media". Its obvious since we heard it from our favorite square wheel talk shows and conservative square wheel cable news networks, and so we can rightfully ignore the fact that while the stuff we listen to clearly wants us to believe in a certain way, that it is in turn the "right" way to believe and anything else is a big, honkin', liberal conspiracy.

We as true patriots all know full well that its extremely patriotic to get zero in return for the work we put into the system. All of that effort should be directed all the way to the top. None of it should benefit us in any shape, form, or fashion because otherwise we might someday be ridin' around on those liberal circular wheels. Some guy in the 50's claimed we would anyway, and even though it has yet to happen, its the one fear that stokes us all to believe steadfastly in the cause of the square wheel.

14   HydroCabron   2013 Jul 24, 12:28am  

Liberals are in favor of cancer research?

Okay, then: I'm in favor of cancer.

Suck it, libtards.

15   Tenpoundbass   2013 Jul 24, 12:37am  

errc says

*buys a slave to pat his democrat self on the back while he drives around his well kempt good (all white) neighborhood with his round wheels*

Don't forget the "good schools".

16   edvard2   2013 Jul 24, 12:42am  

HydroCabron says

Liberals are in favor of cancer research?

Okay, then: I'm in favor of cancer.

Suck it, libtards.

Cancer is overrated anyway. Remember- back in the good ole' days we didn't actually have cancer and people lived to be 130 years old easily.

17   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 12:45am  

The rigid "liberal" circular wooden wheel is several hundred years out of date. Compression wooden-spoke wheels, tension metal spoke wheels, and pneumatic tires are all invented by individual inventors/tinkerers operating under consumer choice (aka free market), not some "liberal" (really the most anti-liberal conservative) big government dictate.

Heck, even the original wooden wheel was probably invented by some tinkerer, while the official weight bearing transport device was wooden rolling pins. Round wooden wheels did not evolve from square wheels, but from round rolling pins. The rigid circle ideologues have the history wrong. Serial microscopic square contact patches did not come along until the rubber and pneumatic tires and wheels, which are far more advanced than the original circular disc wooden wheels of thousands of years ago. The rigid circular wooden wheels became obsolete hundreds of years ago, yet the self-important "liberals" still think that's some kind of ideological ideal worth defending.

18   anonymous   2013 Jul 24, 12:50am  

Obama bun. Bend over it

19   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 12:51am  

HydroCabron says

Liberals are in favor of cancer research?

Okay, then: I'm in favor of cancer.

Suck it, libtards.

If you want to misdirect cancer research from finding any cost effective cure, just throw government money at it, and lure real research talents into becoming bureaucratic time wasters.

20   HydroCabron   2013 Jul 24, 12:52am  

edvard2 says

Cancer is overrated anyway. Remember- back in the good ole' days we didn't actually have cancer and people lived to be 130 years old easily.

Yes: the gold standard fought off all cancers, which were rare to begin with because only the government causes cancer.

BTW, has anyone else noticed that many liberals are now in favor of nuclear power? Guess I'll have to switch my position to being against it.

Back in a moment: I have to go make fun of wind power, and hate it, because liberals think it will - get this! - generate electricity. I have some great zingers from National Review which will surely piss liberals off!

21   edvard2   2013 Jul 24, 12:58am  

HydroCabron says

Back in a moment: I have to go make fun of wind power, and hate it, because liberals think it will - get this! - generate electricity. I have some great zingers from National Review which will surely piss liberals off!

Oh yeah. I need to do that too. Make sure and dig up some real good ones. I need to do that too. I'll find something about some person who drank out of a public water fountain as proof that the country is rife with a buncha' freeloaders. What is this country coming to? Back in the good ole' days there was no such thing as "Public" water fountains. Now they're everywhere. Must be because big government is getting in the way...

22   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 1:05am  

edvard2 says

Back in the good ole' days there was no such thing as "Public" water fountains. Now they're everywhere. Must be because big government is getting in the way...

I guess you never heard of Andrew Carnegie's libraries, which are far more sophisticated than water fountains, which many private benefactors also made available to the public, at little to no cost to the public.

The difference in later times in the 20th century is that all things "Public" became big opportunities for the politically connected unions and politicians to loot the public and stuff their own private purses. Those projects are not "public goods" but looting of the public: taking far more from the public than the market rate building cost of the end products.

23   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 1:08am  

sbh says


"Liberals" are really wannabe slave plantation owners

This "Faux News" reverse logic argues that liberal Atheists are the true christians in America, that "socialists" run the Republican party, that Teabaggers want to raise your taxes. Once you enter the bizarro world there's no going back.

Why didn't you address the details raised:

All slaves could get free housing, free food, free clothing, free education and free healthcare, at the discretion of the elitist community organizer (aka slave owner) of course.

Are "liberals" inherently string matching bots incapable of looking into details?

24   HydroCabron   2013 Jul 24, 1:10am  

Reality says

all things "Public" became big opportunities for the politically connected unions and politicians to loot the public and stuff their own private purses

You forgot to mention that the military is an exception to this: military members and defense contractors are good, honest, hard-working people who, by definition, cannot waste money, and deserve budget increases every year.

Liberals don't understand this simple fact because they're traitors.

My usual way of handling this is to define any public spending I like as being separate from government spending. For example, "Keep the government out of my medicare!" and "Cut government spending - fund our troops instead!"

Only government spending is wasteful, not military spending.

25   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 1:23am  

HydroCabron says

You forgot to mention that the military is an exception to this: military members and defense contractors are good, honest, hard-working people who, by definition, cannot waste money, and deserve budget increases every year.

Is that what you think? Which part of the libertarian non-aggression principle and anti-war message don't you understand? It is your "liberal" president who is droning people all over the world.

Liberals don't understand this simple fact because they're traitors.

Traitors to their own anti-war belief when their partisan hacks are in the office.

My usual way of handling this is to define any public spending I like as being separate from government spending. For example, "Keep the government out of my medicare!" and "Cut government spending - fund our troops instead!"

Only government spending is wasteful, not military spending.

LOL, sounds like what "liberals" are doing now that their partisan hacks are in the office.

26   edvard2   2013 Jul 24, 1:42am  

Reality says

I guess you never heard of Andrew Carnegie's libraries, which are far more sophisticated than water fountains, which many private benefactors also made available to the public, at little to no cost to the public.

The difference in later times in the 20th century is that all things "Public" became big opportunities for the politically connected unions and politicians to loot the public and stuff their own private purses.

Amen to that! Like I said before, clearly its ridiculous that any of the taxes we pay be used for any sort of infrastructure. You know what just gets my goat? Seeing all those freeloaders using freeways that my tax dollars were wasted on. If my Grandpappy could get to town on dirt rutted roads, then the whiners of today could do the same. Ever since those bedeviled round wheels came about everything's been goin' downhill ever since!

I also find it realllly annoying when some of those stinkin' liberals continuously try to tell me the history I enjoy re-writing is totally wrong. Why- everyone knows Ronald Reagan was the inventor of the light bulb, telephone, internet, and braille writing to name a few. That's what made him the best President in the whole wide world.

27   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 1:59am  

edvard2 says

You know what just gets my goat? Seeing all those freeloaders using freeways that my tax dollars were wasted on. If my Grandpappy could get to town on dirt rutted roads, then the whiners of today could do the same.

Once again, you are engaging in false dichotomy. The alternative to government funded highway (modeled after Nazi Germany) is not dirt rutted roads, but privately funded roads and highways built and maintained at higher efficiency. You mentioned telephone and internet later in the post; those were clear examples of infrastructure build-out by the private sector.

BTW, highways are paid for by gasoline tax, so presumably anyone driving with legal fuel (aside from electric car drivers) are paying and over-paying for the use of "public" roads. I put quotation mark around "public" because they are really monopolistic rent seeking machines owned by the unions and politicians.

28   HydroCabron   2013 Jul 24, 1:59am  

edvard2 says

Why- everyone knows Ronald Reagan was the inventor of the light bulb, telephone, internet, and braille writing to name a few. That's what made him the best President in the whole wide world.

Say what you will about Reagan, but he balanced the budget 8 times, raised the poor and middle class up along with the rich, and single-handedly beat the commies, Ninja-style. I mean that: he literally beat the commies with his M-16, Colt Model 1911, and ka-bar knife.

The government can't do anything right. That's why the interstate freeway system, rural electrification, the Internet, and all our water and sewer infrastructure were built by private entities.

29   HydroCabron   2013 Jul 24, 2:06am  

Reality says

The alternative to government funded highway (modeled after Nazi Germany) is not dirt rutted roads, but privately funded roads and highways built and maintained at higher efficiency.

Yes: if all our roads were privatized, things would run much better. The cable and telephone companies, with their experience in providing excellent service and low prices, are the logical choice to undertake this task.

30   edvard2   2013 Jul 24, 2:12am  

HydroCabron says

Say what you will about Reagan, but he balanced the budget 8 times, raised the poor and middle class up along with the rich, and single-handedly beat the commies, Ninja-style

Yeah... Reagan was one kick-ass President for sure.
But moving on, you know another thing that I find highly annoying? That those liberals are always trying to take away my Hamsters. At least that's what I'm told by the NHA, the National Hamster Association. Why-I even proudly support the NHA with stickers on my large, square-wheeled, steam-powered SUV.

But anyway, even though the NHA represents many zillions of Hamster related industries, every time they tell me the libs are about to take away my hamsters, I panic and buy up a few whole bunch of them just to be sure. Nevermind that this makes those hamster companies really rich, all that matters is that the libs keep their hands off my hamsters. There's even a famous actor who runs around and tells everyone that it'll be a cold day in hell before anyone comes in and runs off with HIS hamsters...

31   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 2:15am  

HydroCabron says

Yes: if all our roads were privatized, things would run much better. The cable and telephone companies, with their experience in providing excellent service and low prices, are the logical choice to undertake this task.

Have you spent much time on public roads lately? It's not exactly in good shape or cheap. Countries with government run telephone services have much higher per minute cost than we do.

32   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 2:16am  

Slaves are not allowed to have hamsters.

33   HydroCabron   2013 Jul 24, 2:19am  

edvard2 says

At least that's what I'm told by the NHA, the National Hamster Association. Why-I even proudly support the NHA with stickers on my large, square-wheeled, steam-powered SUV.

Don't forget your "Ignorance is Blix" sticker for that SUV. Dirty liberals are Saddam's best friends!

It's really sad when special interests, such as people who dislike getting cancer from pollutants, or the middle class, distract us from the important issues like hamsters. Maybe the NHA should consider setting up a lobbying arm in Washington - such a move would be consistent with sound Constitutional Conservative and Libertarian® principles of small government and never disagreeing with fundamentalist vagina regulators!

34   HydroCabron   2013 Jul 24, 2:20am  

Reality says

Slaves are not allowed to have hamsters.

Yes, and the liberals who outrageously attacked the Confederacy are the biggest slaveowners of all, because Robert Bird!

35   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 2:28am  

HydroCabron says

Reality says

Slaves are not allowed to have hamsters.

Yes, and the liberals who outrageously attacked the Confederacy are the biggest slaveowners of all, because Robert Bird!

Just like the communists who attacked the "capitalistic exploiters" turned out to be the worst monopolistic exploiters of all.

Slavery is de facto established when the individual does not have the freedom to choose a different counter-party.

36   edvard2   2013 Jul 24, 2:38am  

Oh- and remember that its direly important to repeat the terms Communism, Socialism, and other boogeyman type phrases to make our hysterically nonfactual claims be partially driven by fear in things that only we believe will happen. Remember those "takers" taking water from those public water fountains mentioned earlier? Clearly a sign of the road leading to communism. If people look at you when you say things like this as if you're a nut, then don't worry about them. They clearly are not in the know. Even though we are stuck in 1950's-ville, I'm sure that the communist threat we all spend every waking hour worrying about will surely come... its just gotta' because otherwise we have no real argument to stand on and that thought alone is too depressing to consider... so.... Oh no! Here comes Communism! Rah! Rah! Rah!

37   HydroCabron   2013 Jul 24, 2:48am  

Reality says

Have you spent much time on public roads lately? It's not exactly in good shape or cheap.

It's weird: We cut taxes, and cut taxes, and cut taxes, and the government has less money.

We need to go back to the 1950s, when the roads were beautiful because they were all private, and there were no taxes.

Communism, socialism, Kenyan anti-colonialist, Alinskyite collectivism. Marxists!

38   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 2:52am  

edvard2 says

Remember those "takers" taking water from those public water fountains mentioned earlier? Clearly a sign of the road leading to communism.

The key is not whether there are takers of water, but how much the public is soaked to build the fountain. Societies have mechanisms for taking care of their poor and unfortunate for thousands of years. It is when the nameless and faceless government bureaucrats arrogate to themselves the monopolistic power of resource allocation that the society proceeds to fall apart under that monopolistic inefficiency. The monopolists can usually take far more from the fountain building than what those need water can get out of it, orders of magnitude more. As a monopoly, there is no limit to how much the middlemen can take, until the who system falls apart.

Even though we are stuck in 1950's-ville, I'm sure that the communist threat we all spend every waking hour worrying about will surely come..

Communistic thinking long preceded the 1950's. The Mayflower Pact was quite communistic regarding property ownership. That led directly to starvation and deaths. Communistic episodes will come and go throughout our history, largely due to intellectual blind spots during late stages of prosperity when the offsprings of the upper and upper middle class are far removed from actual production due to their birth privileges (real market experience displaced by "education" under instructors who have no market experience of their own), and can't wait to displace their elders through revolutionary "new" ideas. It works like a forest fire. It's the in-between times that humanity get some respite and real economic progress.

39   HydroCabron   2013 Jul 24, 2:54am  

I hate how affirmative action treats people differently because of their race.

By the way, does anybody else love racial profiling for potential criminals?

'Cuz it's totally wrong to create opportunities based on race, but it's okay to hand out detention and interrogations based on race.

I'm not racist.

40   Reality   2013 Jul 24, 2:55am  

HydroCabron says

It's weird: We cut taxes, and cut taxes, and cut taxes, and the government has less money.

The government has plenty money: it borrows money into existence. The real problem we have is the economy has become a money sink instead of a wealth generator, largely because free market economic activities that would normally generate increasing wealth have been displaced by government fiat commands that are usually money losers.

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