2
0

Person to be Born Next Year Terrified of His Non-Existence


 invite response                
2013 Aug 22, 6:19am   3,092 views  4 comments

by freak80   ➕follow (1)   💰tip   ignore  

Brian Smith, the future child of Linda and Doug Smith of Sacramento, CA, suddenly began to experience his non-existence today. "It's just horrible," he said, "and it's also dark for some reason." His experience of non-existence seems to justify the fear of death which rules the lives of so many existing humans.

Lou Adams of Flemington, NJ heard the news of Brian's non-existence this morning and said he was not at all surprised. "I can't even imagine the thought of not existing someday," said Adams. "It must be horrible!"

Adams went on to say, "I'd much rather believe I will live forever, even if it means I have to believe in bizarre and monstrous stuff like a virgin birth, a guy rising from the dead, angels, demons, and the possibility of eternal torture by a loving God after I die."

When asked to elaborate, Adams said, "Look, to me it's more comforting to believe my mortality is a righteous punishment from God than believe it's a natural biological process. I'm even willing to pay 10% of my income to hear this stuff from an authority figure every week."

When asked why he wouldn't believe in Allah, the Koran, Mohammed, or a paradise with 72 virgins after he dies, Adams replied, "That's just not rational. That doesn't make any sense."

Comments 1 - 4 of 4        Search these comments

1   curious2   2013 Aug 22, 6:29am  

If you haven't yet sent this to The Onion, you might want to :)

2   freak80   2013 Aug 22, 7:11am  

curious2 says

If you haven't yet sent this to The Onion, you might want to :)

Do they accept outside submissions? :-)

3   curious2   2013 Aug 22, 7:21am  

freak80 says

Do they accept outside submissions?

oops - sorry - they don't.

4   freak80   2013 Aug 22, 7:24am  

Oh well.

I'm still flattered that you think it was good enough for The Onion.

Please register to comment:

api   best comments   contact   latest images   memes   one year ago   random   suggestions