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The Night My Husband Revealed To Me His Double Life


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2015 Mar 16, 8:42pm   52,868 views  178 comments

by Rin   ➕follow (8)   💰tip   ignore  

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorced-moms/the-night-my-husband-revealed-his-double-life_b_6858392.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

Excerpt from article:

"Number one," he says, looking down at his paper, "About 10 years ago, when we'd been married a couple of years, I had an affair. It was someone in radio, someone I knew from being in the band, and I ended it pretty quickly."

My heart thuds. Not Dave! He's not the type! I cling to the words 10 years ago, and I ended it. Ok, a youthful mistake. I can take it! Plenty of couples get through this. But Dave goes on.

"Number two: I've been using escorts on my business trips." A sound rises in me, a roar that sounds like no, no, no. Flashes of soulless, transactional sex assault me but I refuse to look at them. I stare straight ahead, not blinking, not breathing.

"You know what escorts are, don't you?" he adds, and here a rabbit hole opens and swallows me. I feel myself sinking to the floor, reaching for the hardwood, but it seems to slide away from me. The surreality of his confession combined with the absurdity of the question short circuit something in my brain. Do I know what escorts are?!!

Waves of heat and nausea wash over me. "I'm going to be sick." I begin peeling off my sweatshirt. Dave doesn't move and I know there's more.

"Say it! Just say it!" I cry, not meaning it. I have to get away! I consider crawling under the table but feel too dizzy to move. I stay on my knees, gripping my thighs.

"Three weeks ago," he says, "when I was in Las Vegas, I met someone..."

But I'm undone. Unloosed. Unhinged. Have you ever felt the sky fall? It's unbearably heavy when it breaks. You feel the weight of the air, every molecule of it, pressing down. I scramble on the floor in a sort of stunned crab-crawl. I can't get up. I'm being crushed, suffocated. White-hot, blinding terror envelops me like a blanket and I'm sure I'm going to die. Dave does nothing to help me and that's when I know I'm already gone, that I must never have existed.

When I come back into my body (Moments later? Minutes?) Dave is talking, saying something about moving upstairs. I hear the words committed father. I don't understand. How could he move upstairs? Our tenant lives there. What is he talking about? What about me?

His explanations, like blades, whiz toward me, each one pinning me to a wall. He throws again and again: He spent 12 hours with a woman named Allison in Las Vegas. He's in love. She lives in Texas. He wants to visit her. He will ask our tenant to leave. He will move upstairs. He would like to wrap things up with me in four weeks. He is going to leave the house right now because he needs to call Allison. She's waiting to hear from him.

I watch him walk out the door and panic overtakes me. I'm up now, pacing and flailing my arms, trying to feel my body. I have to stay present. I'm alone in the house and my children are sleeping in their beds and I cannot faint or scream or lose it. I begin to cry but it's more of a moan. Someone help me! I grab my phone and call my friend and neighbor Abigail. No answer. I try my college friend. No answer. My brother. No answer. I consider calling my mother but know she'll be sleeping and this news will keep her up all night. I don't know what to do. I don't know how much time passes, but finally I realize I have no one to call but Dave.

"You have to come home," I say when he finally answers. "Please come home. Don't leave me here alone."

By the time he gets back I've pulled myself together. I've found a way to frame this. Dave is having a crisis and it's up to me to pull him back from the ledge.

I will be our rock. And like a rock, I will not think. I will not feel."

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1   Rin   2015 Mar 16, 8:43pm  

Unlike this lying douchebag, I plan on never dating and getting married.

2   Rin   2015 Mar 16, 9:01pm  

And on the flip side, there are many loyal husbands, whose women mistreat them. So the blade cuts both ways.

The solution is simple, screw relationships and bone hoes.

3   Vicente   2015 Mar 16, 9:35pm  

Oh....... it's some Agony Aunt teaser article. I get it.

4   Ceffer   2015 Mar 16, 10:29pm  

Could have been worse, he could have left her for a man. I knew a lawyer with three kids who did just that.

Nothing says you're a lousy lay like affairs, hookers, and a 12 hour relationship that is preferable to your ongoing companionship.

5   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 7:01am  

Ceffer says

Nothing says you're a lousy lay like affairs, hookers, and a 12 hour relationship that is preferable to your ongoing companionship.

What I think is more pathetic is that a lot of our society is pretending to be happy in their relationships a/o marriages but are actually miserable. But because society expects them to be in these associations, they put on an outward image that they're content and happy, by virtue of being hooked up.

6   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 7:38am  

Call it Crazy says

When someone has to go out of their way to "pay" for FAKE companionship, maybe it's time for that person to take a good hard look in the mirror

That's right, because most relationships in America are completely healthy, functional, and so on.

Sorry, not buying it. Ppl are mostly together because one, they're lonely, two, they're expected to be seen with someone else, three, they can't function on their own.

Sure, there's a fraction, up to 15%, who're well suited for each other but that's about it. It's a relative minority of the population.

7   elliemae   2015 Mar 17, 8:07am  

Rin says

By the time he gets back I've pulled myself together. I've found a way to frame this. Dave is having a crisis and it's up to me to pull him back from the ledge.

I will be our rock. And like a rock, I will not think. I will not feel."

Translated:
I will be his doormat.

I doubt this story has a happy ending. I also suspect that, if the dude were to write about it, it would NOT be about a happy marriage. Sounds like the guy (if he exists) has been miserable for years and is jumping at anything - or anyone - that he thinks will make him happy.

8   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 8:31am  

elliemae says

Translated:

I will be his doormat.

I doubt this story has a happy ending. I also suspect that, if the dude were to write about it, it would NOT be about a happy marriage. Sounds like the guy (if he exists) has been miserable for years and is jumping at anything - or anyone - that he thinks will make him happy.

In other words, he probably should have not have gotten married, to begin with.

He was following his conditioning and but then found that it didn't provide the long term satisfaction that it was suppose to, according to the ideas of society.

9   elliemae   2015 Mar 17, 9:05am  

Either than or he married her just cuz (conditioning) and then found out that he could truly feel something deeply for someone. Maybe he will actually love this next woman. Maybe not.

If he actually exists. Story sounds like bullshit to me.

10   Dan8267   2015 Mar 17, 9:09am  

Behind every cheating man there is a woman -- or in CIC's case, a sheep -- that knowingly slept with a married man and has no problem breaking up his family.

11   Ceffer   2015 Mar 17, 9:13am  

Guy's a douchebag and the woman is so desperate, she'll do anything to keep the douchebag. Sounds like the perfect douchebag and counter-douchebag co-dependant relationship.

It does appear to be journalistic flight of fantasy BS to me, too.

"they put on an outward image that they're content and happy, by virtue of being hooked up."

Better to be hookered up than hoodwinked hooked up.

12   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 9:20am  

elliemae says

Story sounds like bullshit to me.

Ceffer says

It does appear to be journalistic flight of fantasy

Perhaps this particular story is made up, however, I know an exact couple like that. In other words, appearances are everything for them.

Ceffer says

Guy's a douchebag and the woman is so desperate, she'll do anything to keep the douchebag. Sounds like the perfect douchebag and counter-douchebag co-dependant relationship.

Co-dependency is a very common aspect of many relationships. But of course, they'll continually criticize ppl like me, who don't date around, instead of recognizing that the problem is really within themselves.

13   Ceffer   2015 Mar 17, 9:24am  

Does this mean that douchebags are good for your health?

14   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 9:26am  

Call it Crazy says

impact of loneliness

Loneliness is a state of mind, I like being alone and not lonely. Plus, I've got you guys on PatNet to rage on,

In addition, I have plenty of old friends and acquaintances. It's not like I need to live with them.

15   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 9:28am  

Ceffer says

Does this mean that douchebags are good for your health?

Society encourages all kinds of dysfunctional marriages because it can't fathom anything else.

16   elliemae   2015 Mar 17, 9:37am  

Utah is full of desperate women.

I know of a guy who is the predominant religion in Utah. He fucked anything that moved in college and, of course, married the sweet little virginal girl who pined for him at home. And he fucked around on her from the get-go. I had several classes with him in college, but otherwise we didn't socialize. I thought he was a pompous ass with no redeeming qualities who liked women who slathered their makeup on with a trowel.. He ignored me because I wasn't his type - I wear jeans & flip-flops, no make-up and was taking a woodshop class with him.

We ran into each other several times over the years, each time he was with a different woman. 20 years later, a friend of mine was telling me that he was a major catch (she didn't know that I knew him); he lived in Northern Utah and came down South to troll for idiots (my friend was one of them). He actually got a few friendships broken up over his "Successful Mormon Male" act. He found a lot of his worshippers on a Mormon dating site, where there are substantially more women then men looking for the next Mr. Wallet.

I was with my friend - a gorgeous brunette who dressed impeccably - at a restaurant, a when he walked up to me - ignoring her, even though she was emailing him a lot - and chatted me up. He asked me for my phone number and asked if we could get together, and I declined. My friend was shocked that I would turn him down - she ended up dating him for awhile until the dumped her.

She's been married four times. He has been married three times. Both are single now, back to the Mormon dating sites.

17   elliemae   2015 Mar 17, 9:39am  

Call it Crazy says

Researchers at Brigham Young University studied 3 million people.

I wonder how many of these were attendees of BYU. lol

18   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 9:44am  

elliemae says

then found out that he could truly feel something deeply for someone. Maybe he will actually love this next woman.

Please tell me that you really don't believe the above?

elliemae says

She's been married four times. He has been married three times.

As time goes by, we'll be seeing more and more of those couples over the years. Today, there are still those, who believe that Ozzy/Harriet will work out. In reality, the truth of the matter is that if one doesn't find one's compatible match, around college time (up until let's say 25-27), it's curtain call. Part of the reason why I say that is that ppl need to grow together. Once a person is in his/her mid-30s, that process of change/adaptation fades and they become a type of crystallized personality.

Thus, I'd started losing interest in relationships, after the age of 29. Today, I'm in mid-30s and haven't dated in almost 4 years. And I don't miss it.

19   Ceffer   2015 Mar 17, 10:03am  

In one of the places I live the hood is full of single men and women living alone. If you paired them up, there would only be couples. The women are "cat and garden" bat shit crazy types who have already rolled through a few hubbies living or dead, and the men are either introverts or they have been burned so often they literally just only want an occasional hook up. On a human lab basis, it seems to support Rin's hypothesis.

There is a little divorced men's group at one of my health clubs. The men divorced their wives becauses, again, the wives went crazy after menopause, stayed that way and the men just couldn't live with them anymore. The men said even their children didn't blame them, and they all would still get together for holidays and sometimes even take a vacation together. These men dated pre-menopausal women because they were basically traumatized by menopause and wanted women as far away from it as possible.

People always think that men want younger women because they are horny old dirtbags, they never mention post menopausal stress disorder.

20   Y   2015 Mar 17, 10:07am  

can't it be both??

Ceffer says

People always think that men want younger women because they are horny old dirtbags, they never mention post menopausal stress disorder.

21   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 11:38am  

Ceffer says

In one of the places I live the hood is full of single men and women living alone. If you paired them up, there would only be couples. The women are "cat and garden" bat shit crazy types who have already rolled through a few hubbies living or dead, and the men are either introverts or they have been burned so often they literally just only want an occasional hook up. On a human lab basis, it seems to support Rin's hypothesis.

Here's the thing, 4 years ago, during the breakup period with the whack job Canadian, a.k.a Alanis Morrisette, I was working around the clock, trying to get this business off the ground, since I was in the starting dozen. Between working with a trader during London hours and then, dealing with issues during eastern seaboard hours, my sleep was erratic and I was continually stressed out. There was no woman (read girlfriend, significant other, etc), providing emotional support during the tough years. Today, since everything is established, my job is simply to be a full time brown noser to our clients, portfolio managers, tax consultants, and other retarded ppl. My life is basically stable, though the work is boring and highly predictable.

Since no one was there for me, when I really needed her, why should I care so much for a partner, today? For me, the time for all that jazz was in that pre-29 age bracket. It's pretty clear that afterwards, when women get done dating douchebag alpha males, they look a man who's already settled into some high paying white collar profession. The problem is that most guys don't get this, they think that all of a sudden, they've got game and women are really interested in them and not in what they can provide

22   NDrLoR   2015 Mar 17, 11:43am  

Rin says

Since no one was there for me, when I really needed her

Poor you.

23   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 11:48am  

P N Dr Lo R says

Rin says

Since no one was there for me, when I really needed her

Poor you.

You mean 'Rich' me because the poorer version of me is the chump who gets his equity (yes, his hard earned money), fleeced in divorce court.

If Kobe Bryant and Vanessa divorce, she's entitled to $75M. Recently, Kobe's been desperately trying to keep the marriage going.

24   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 11:50am  

Call it Crazy says

Exactly.... Whores are so much more understanding and supportive... (as long as you pay them)....

Hello ... whores are for banging.

But yes, some can part-time as a psychologist. And actually, some are far more adept in real life issues than the shrinks.

25   Heraclitusstudent   2015 Mar 17, 1:07pm  

Rin says

because society expects them to be in these associations

Society? This has nothing to do with society. This is a biologic relation to raise children.

Rin says

That's right, because most relationships in America are completely healthy, functional, and so on.

Companionship based on power control (money) is more healthy?

Happiness is not made of the pleasure of senses.
Marriage is not made for your personal gratification.
Marriage is not only about love.

You seem to have unresolved family issues that basically make you scared:
Scared of actually investing real feelings in someone.
Scared of depending on someone.
Scared of having someone depending of you.

26   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 1:22pm  

Heraclitusstudent says

Society? This has nothing to do with society. This is a biologic relation to raise children.

It's society which sets up the rules for social behavior, a man can get a women pregnant in a one night stand and be gone the next day. Thus, there are laws set up for paying child care (assuming that the man can be found) as well as rules for giving children up for adoption.

In addition, peer pressure keeps ppl together as well as the keeping appearances. Ever heard the expression, 'Keeping together for the kids'

Also, divorces have been spiking, once the kids leave the nest.

Heraclitusstudent says

Companionship based on power control (money) is more healthy?

Do you not pay a psychiatrist for a session? Or do expect that some registered charity will give you a freebie?

Plus, real companions are old childhood friends. It's just that one doesn't have to live with them but yeah, those are the most dependable ppl.

Heraclitusstudent says

Happiness is not made of the pleasure of senses.

Happiness is the freedom to pursue one's own interests with or without some romantic relationship. I choose the without option.

Heraclitusstudent says

Scared of actually investing real feelings in someone.

Scared of depending on someone.

Scared of having someone depending of you.

Did I not tell you about the age of 29? That's when the interest and belief in that horseshit started fading.

When I finish this job, I'll have millions in the bank. Why does any woman deserve my eggsnest? I'm the one who worked on it. I'd gotten our firm our first major client, which is why this operation is around. Obama was wrong, I did build it.

27   Vicente   2015 Mar 17, 1:22pm  

elliemae says

If he actually exists. Story sounds like bullshit to me.

Exactly. This is like that made-up stuff on Dear Prudence. Reminds me a lot of a serialized fictional sob-drama thing I read a decade or two back.

28   Y   2015 Mar 17, 1:27pm  

Sorry. Without Bell and Gore the foundations for your success would not have existed for you to take advantage of....
according to OB....

Rin says

Obama was wrong, I did build it.

29   Y   2015 Mar 17, 2:01pm  

@SBH
Now THIS is damning evidence...

Call it Crazy says

...and personal issues... So, instead of working them out, you rather write Rin's fictional stories as an escape from reality. What we see is someone who recently realized that the "train has left the station" (having a solid relationship/marriage) and Rin wasn't on it. So, to make yourself feel better, since the train pulled out, we get to read fictional stories about the Life of Rin, which somehow in your mind, compensates for your loneliness and missed relationship opportunities...

30   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 2:10pm  

Call it Crazy says

What we see is someone who recently realized that the "train has left the station" (having a solid relationship/marriage) and Rin wasn't on it. So, to make yourself feel better, since the train pulled out, we get to read fictional stories about the Life of Rin, which somehow in your mind, compensates for your loneliness and missed relationship opportunities...

Sad...

It's basically this, had my GF from my mid-20s not left me, since we had to move to different cities for work, chances are, I may have married. And some of the proof is right in that relationship, I could deal with the long distances but she couldn't. Hmm ... what if that was the only way we could make ends meet down the road?

Next, the deterioration of the relationship with Alanis Morrisette was after the age of 29, so I was already getting bored and annoyed with her temper tantrums, crying fits, and even insulting my friends. Yes, it's the lyrics of "Jagged Little Pill" but in real life.

As time went by, I realized that I didn't need a relationship to be content with life. And now, it's been 4 years and I've had no problems, sleeping at night.

31   Heraclitusstudent   2015 Mar 17, 2:54pm  

Rin says

a man can get a women pregnant in a one night stand and be gone the next day.

Sure can, but what are the needs of children and how can they be addressed?
Not by an isolated woman.

Therefore it comes down to biological need. Society's rules are just varnish around that.

Being up against society makes you a rebel and a maverick.
Being up against biology makes you an idiot.

32   Heraclitusstudent   2015 Mar 17, 3:05pm  

Rin says

Heraclitusstudent says

Scared of actually investing real feelings in someone.


Scared of depending on someone.


Scared of having someone depending of you.

Did I not tell you about the age of 29? That's when the interest and belief in that horseshit started fading.

I think that's when you started rationalizing that, unlike all other human beings, you don't need any of this, otherwise you would have to admit to yourself how you really feel.

And now you are down to sharing it on the Internet to justify to yourself that this REALLY REALLY is horseshit.

That's what a shrink would tell you. Of course it's free on this forum together with CIC rants and Strategist pseudo admiration.

33   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 3:52pm  

Call it Crazy says

But hey, let's blame it on your wacko sister and her relationship issues with her husband and your father, yeah, that will work... perfect benchmark for the rest of the country!

BTW, Ceffer's also on this forum, perhaps you can direct your comment towards him, as well.

There's an old saying, the type of home which you grew up in, will generally be the one which you'll find yourself in during your latter years.

And given the overall decline in the quality of marriages these days (high divorce rate and all), it's not to anyone's benefit aside from the one earning less, which in this case, will be a potential spouse, since I'd made my money in finance.

34   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 4:18pm  

Heraclitusstudent says

unlike all other human beings, you don't need any of this

Would you mind telling that to Ceffer directly? Apparently his observations don't seem to jive with the *all* piece.

Ceffer says

In one of the places I live the hood is full of single men and women living alone. If you paired them up, there would only be couples. The women are "cat and garden" bat shit crazy types who have already rolled through a few hubbies living or dead, and the men are either introverts or they have been burned so often they literally just only want an occasional hook up. On a human lab basis, it seems to support Rin's hypothesis.

There is a little divorced men's group at one of my health clubs. The men divorced their wives because, again, the wives went crazy after menopause, stayed that way and the men just couldn't live with them anymore. The men said even their children didn't blame them, and they all would still get together for holidays and sometimes even take a vacation together. These men dated pre-menopausal women because they were basically traumatized by menopause and wanted women as far away from it as possible.

35   Ceffer   2015 Mar 17, 4:59pm  

The old joke about marriage is that men marry thinking their wives will never change, and they do. Women marry thinking their husbands will change, but they don't.

36   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 6:06pm  

Japan is a society where ppl are dating and getting married, less and less, over time, contrary to Heraclitusstudent saying that it's a universal human thing.

http://content.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2106704,00.html

Excerpt: A record-high 61.4% of unmarried men had no girlfriend, up 9.2 points since the previous survey in 2005. Unmarried women with no boyfriend hit a record 49.5%, up nearly 5 points. Among the 40% who said there was no need to get married, 45% of the men said they have no particular interest in "dating the opposite sex."

37   Rin   2015 Mar 17, 6:37pm  

The demographic I'm interest in is the 35-54 crowd, where it looks like the not married crowd, rose from 17.9% to 35% over a twenty year span, a 95% increase whereas the 20-34 crowd is only a 39% change. Thus, ppl of marriageable age are saying 'No'.

I can't see these trends reversing, anytime soon. I'd say that it's safe to say that a regular fifty-something, won't be jumping into a marriage, unless he was already engaged during his late 40s.

Heraclitusstudent, are you reading this?

38   Y   2015 Mar 17, 6:40pm  

Then their is hope for us winning ww2 as Japan will de-breed themselves out of existence freeing up all that high rent west coast real estate..they are all turning gay. The joke is on them.

Rin says

Japan is a society where ppl are dating and getting married, less and less, over time, contrary to Heraclitusstudent saying that it's a universal human thing.

39   MisdemeanorRebel   2015 Mar 17, 6:48pm  

Call it Crazy says

Bachelor Nation: 70% of Men Aged 20-34 Are Not Married

(CNSNews.com) – Seventy percent of American males between the ages of 20 and 34 are not married, and many live in a state of “perpetual adolescence” with ominous consequences for the nation’s future, says Janice Shaw Crouse, author of “Marriage Matters.”

“Far too many young men have failed to make a normal progression into adult roles of responsibility and self-sufficiency, roles generally associated with marriage and fatherhood,” Crouse, the former executive director of the Beverly LaHaye Institute, wrote in a recent Washington Times oped.

http://cnsnews.com/news/article/barbara-hollingsworth/bachelor-nation-70-men-aged-20-34-are-not-married

The Beverley LaHaye Institute is part of "Concerned Women for America". Beverly LaHaye herself is married to the author of the horrible fiction series, "Left Behind", and a graduate of Bob Jones' University.

40   lostand confused   2015 Mar 17, 8:25pm  

thunderlips11 says

Far too many young men have failed to make a normal progression into adult roles of responsibility and self-sufficiency, roles generally associated with marriage and fatherho

Translation-far too many men are failing to step into the alimony/child support bandwagon. us feminazis have to get a job and actually become an equal.

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