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Let's Imagine How the David Dao Assault Could Have Been an Even More Colossal Fuck-Up

By APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch following x   2017 Apr 16, 10:37pm 602 views   8 comments   watch   nsfw   quote     share    

1) United really does deploy a Re-Accomodation Pitchfork.

2) Stewardess pins him to a set with a spear-gun and one of the jump-seating employees sits on him while he slowly dies for the flight to Louisville while the cabin staff regales the passengers with a lecture on the consequences of 'fucking with us'

3) Staff locks Dao in the loo for the flight.

4) Staff locks Dao in the loo for half the flight and mid-way to Louisville, opens the cabin door and flings him to his death.

1   APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch   ignore (38)   2017 Apr 17, 7:06pm   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

6) The cabin crew forces the male passengers to pull a train on Dao at gun point.

2   Ceffer   ignore (1)   2017 Apr 17, 11:47pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

7) Agent Orange laced martini, go old school on Dao's ass.

3   curious2   ignore (0)   2017 Apr 18, 1:34am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Turkey is practically giving away sarin gas to any Sunni militia that promises to fight the Assad regime. Most major airlines have probably a few empoyees who could pass for Sunni militia, so send them to score some free sarin and hook it up to the coach ventilators. Need to clear some seats? Drop the O2 masks for business class and crew, gas the riff raff in coach, and tell the survivors to bring out their dead. Everybody knows that it's already in the contract of carriage, and besides you can always blame it on the Assad government. Just dump the bodies onto the tarmac and re-sell the seats to local sherriffs trying to get rid of their vagrant population. Shave one penny off the ticket price and you'll make it all back and more on volume.

And if any crafty passengers try to bring their own gas masks, count on TSA to confiscate the masks and beat those terrorists to a pulp as warning to others.

4   APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch   ignore (38)   2017 Apr 18, 3:57am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

9) Declare Dao an enemy of North Korea and deport him to Pyongyang, where authorities would execute him with an anti-aircraft missile and hold victory parades celebrating his death on behalf of United Airlines.

5   APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch   ignore (38)   2017 Apr 18, 7:17am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

10) Cabin staff wraps Dao in barbed wire and hangs him unside down from the ceiling and invites passengers to throw shit at him as 'inflight entertainment.'

6   CBOEtrader   ignore (5)   2017 Apr 18, 9:15am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

11)Dao is compensated for his troubles via email w a $50 off next United flight coupon

7   Ceffer   ignore (1)   2017 Apr 18, 12:43pm   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

12) Dao sues United for 10 million dollars for not getting his free peanuts and 30 million for mental and physical distress. United mails him a dog collar and leash as settlement offer.

8   curious2   ignore (0)   2017 Apr 18, 12:50pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

CBOEtrader says

11)Dao is compensated for his troubles via email w a $50 off next United flight coupon

The coupon should be for a different airline that beats passengers even worse, so runaways would come crawling back begging to be re-accommodated into the cargo hold.

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