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Church’s ‘All Are Welcome’ Sign Updated With Long List Of Exceptions

By BayAreaObserver following x   2017 Sep 9, 2:30am 638 views   36 comments   watch   quote     share  

MOBILE, AL—After receiving several complaints regarding the accuracy of the “All are welcome” message on the sign in front of the church, local pastor Rick Pinkerton finally tacked on an additional disclaimer listing multiple exceptions to Hartford Ave Baptist Church’s welcome policy.



The sign now reads, “All are welcome, except sinners, tobacco chewers, tattooed people, democrats, homosexuals, smokers, drinkers, dancers, etc,” and, continuing on the other side, “hippies, hipsters, vegans, secular TV watchers, and Methodists,” sources confirmed.

“We just wanted to make sure we were advertising what our church is all about accurately,” Pastor Pinkerton said. “Now, the community will know exactly which groups of people are allowed to come hear God’s gracious offer of redemption in the gospel, and which ones we’d rather not get our hands dirty offering God’s grace to.”

“I’m really hoping the clarification leads to a much more homogeneous group of people gathering to worship the Lord this Sunday,” he added.

http://babylonbee.com/news/churchs-welcome-sign-updated-long-list-exceptions/
#Religion #SatireOrMaybeNot

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1 APOCALYPSEFUCK_is_ADORABLE   2017 Sep 9, 4:58am   ↑ like (5)   ↑ dislike (5)     quote        
Why not put up a marquee asking for 'Hot chicks who suck dick for Jesus!' instead of excluding a list of people that everyone knows the Baptists hate?
2 YesYNot   2017 Sep 9, 5:25am   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
I'm shocked by this level of honesty. If they want to really be honest, they will change sinners to unrepentant sinners, and put thugs somewhere near the top of the list.
3 bob2356   2017 Sep 9, 6:27am   ↑ like (4)   ↑ dislike (4)     quote        
APOCALYPSEFUCK_is_ADORABLE says
Why not put up a marquee asking for 'Hot chicks who suck dick for Jesus!' instead of excluding a list of people that everyone knows the Baptists hate?


I thought the christian family values crowd went for under age boys rather than hot chicks.
4 P N Dr Lo R   2017 Sep 9, 7:42am   ↑ like (3)   ↑ dislike (3)     quote        
YesYNot says
I'm shocked by this level of honesty


I'm shocked at the level of sense of humor since all are sinners.
5 APOCALYPSEFUCK_is_ADORABLE   2017 Sep 9, 7:49am   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
bob2356 says
I thought the christian family values crowd went for under age boys rather than hot chicks.


We try to hope for the best.
6 Roidy   2017 Sep 9, 8:51am   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
APOCALYPSEFUCK_is_ADORABLE says
Why not put up a marquee asking for 'Hot chicks who suck dick for Jesus!' instead of excluding a list of people that everyone knows the Baptists hate?


Gentle Reader,

Hallelujah, Brother! Pootie Tang for Jesus!

Regards,
Roidy
P.S. I like this Baptist Preacher- crass, smart-assed, in-your-face-"Fuck You, Asshole!" sarcasm. I may be an Atheist, but I would attend his sermon at least once.
7 APOCALYPSEFUCK_is_ADORABLE   2017 Sep 9, 8:56am   ↑ like (5)   ↑ dislike (5)     quote        
Sarcasm? You can do that on church marquees? I heard people do that on the Internet, too!
8 Strategist   2017 Sep 9, 9:08am   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
BayAreaObserver says


The sign now reads, “All are welcome, except sinners, tobacco chewers, tattooed people, democrats, homosexuals, smokers, drinkers, dancers, etc,” and, continuing on the other side, “hippies, hipsters, vegans, secular TV watchers, and Methodists,” sources confirmed.


Will someone give me one good reason why churches even deserve tax benefits?
9 Patrick   2017 Sep 9, 9:09am   ↑ like (4)   ↑ dislike (4)     quote        
All religions demand a monopoly on pleasure.
10 Quigley   2017 Sep 9, 9:18am   ↑ like (3)   ↑ dislike (3)     quote        
I think about half the people replying in this thread completely missed the fact that it's a satirical article...
sad
11 Strategist   2017 Sep 9, 9:25am   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
Quigley says
I think about half the people replying in this thread completely missed the fact that it's a satirical article...
sad


I missed it. But i'm pretty sure this is what's in the mind of many churches.
12 HEY YOU   2017 Sep 9, 9:27am   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
They forgot to list unclean swine eaters.
What's the difference between those listed & Baptists?
13 BayAreaObserver   2017 Sep 9, 12:12pm   ↑ like (3)   ↑ dislike (3)     quote        
Quigley - you caught on and so did Strategist. Yes, it is Satire, and I've explained it a few times on here now. The site is not all that popular with many denominations etc. because the line they draw between truth and satire on their material and mostly more true which is really sad.
They are especially hard on preachers like Joel Osteen and his fellow televangelists and mega church pastors.

Most churches regardless of denomination would be better off with the words "All Welcome" with an asterisk following. At the asterisk you would be directed to the words "terms and conditions apply".

If any of you have not explored the site full, I've included a link to the "lifestyle" tab. Some of the headlines...

Local Christian Comes Out As Bidenominational

Feminist Dismisses Bible As ‘Godsplaining’

Shocking New Study Suggests Disagreeing With Gay, Trans People Not Same As Hating Them

Google Celebrates Noahic Covenant

I Am More Offended Than You (on social justice warriors)

Feminist Hero Refuses To Let Fireman Carry Her From Burning Building

Feelings Now Acceptable As Answers To Math Problems

http://babylonbee.com/news/category/lifestyle/
14 jazz_music   2017 Sep 9, 1:21pm   ↑ like (2)   ↑ dislike (2)     quote        
BayAreaObserver says
Feminist Dismisses Bible As ‘Godsplaining’


This one is hysterically funny to me for some odd reason.

It's like "what next?" these things do not affect my life, maybe a little before I retired, but I read so much about it especially on patnet.
15 PCGyver   2017 Sep 9, 1:39pm   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
Liberal Christians Figure They’ll Go Ahead And Accept Polygamy As Well
Their chant is
“You’re welcome in God’s house, with more than one spouse.”
16 Fucking White Male   2017 Sep 9, 1:45pm   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
John 3:16 is the basis of most Christian religions.

Based on the verbiage of John 3:16 it logically follows(and is outright stated in many places in the Bible) that all humans sin and fall short of the glory of God.

So if that sign is real, it basically would allow no one to attend.
17 APOCALYPSEFUCK_is_ADORABLE   2017 Sep 9, 1:52pm   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
The Mormons got Polygamy all wrong, giving each wife her own bed.

God wants a guy in one bed with all his wives at the same time, writhing, tweaking their nipples and calling their husband's name and begging him for the sanctifying balm.
18 P N Dr Lo R   2017 Sep 9, 2:05pm   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
jazz_music says
This one is hysterically funny to me for some odd reason.


That's the point so many miss that this was intended to be humorous, if in somewhat bad taste.
20 Dan8267   2017 Sep 9, 2:14pm   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        

Wow, white people really can't dance.
22 FortWayne   2017 Sep 9, 2:53pm   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
Bad photo edit

Liberals make up grievances where none exist.
23 Dan8267   2017 Sep 9, 3:59pm   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
FortWayne says
Liberals make up grievances where none exist.


Go ahead and explain that. Come on.
24 FortWayne   2017 Sep 9, 6:10pm   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
Dan8267 says
FortWayne says
Liberals make up grievances where none exist.


Go ahead and explain that. Come on.


Do you need me to chew your food for you and label your underwear too? It's the fake photo edits and constant assaults on religion.
25 Dan8267   2017 Sep 9, 6:12pm   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
FortWayne says
Do you need me to chew your food for you and label your underwear too? It's the fake photo edits and constant assaults on religion.


If you are going to make a statement that no one believes, then yes, you have to show a convincing argument with evidence to persuade people. All you do is bitch about liberals, but what you bitch about is always what has been done by you conservatives. You just don't like the word liberal, and you are triggered by specific words. The sad thing is that you still don't even know what an actual liberal is.
26 FortWayne   2017 Sep 9, 6:16pm   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
Dan8267 says
FortWayne says
Do you need me to chew your food for you and label your underwear too? It's the fake photo edits and constant assaults on religion.


If you are going to make a statement that no one believes, then yes, you have to show a convincing argument with evidence to persuade people. All you do is bitch about liberals, but what you bitch about is always what has been done by you conservatives. You just don't like the word liberal, and you are triggered by specific words. The sad thing is that you still don't even know what an actual liberal is.


You get hung up on some overly specific word definitions, way too much. Liberals... are the people who run around promoting identity politics, demanding hand outs to them because they are gay/specific race/specific gender/just because they want it/life isn't fair and they are special.
27 Dan8267   2017 Sep 9, 6:35pm   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
FortWayne says
You get hung up on some overly specific word definitions, way too much.


Language is important. If I said "Republicans" are always sexually assaulting children when I meant "pedophiles", wouldn't you have a legitimate objection? Properly identifying groups is important. America fought the Nazis, not the Mongolians, in World War II. That's an important distinction.

FortWayne says
Liberals... are the people who run around promoting identity politics, demanding hand outs to them because they are gay/specific race/specific gender/just because they want it/life isn't fair and they are special.


No. Those are conservatives, just like you. So are the people trying to enforce Sharia law. The left, the right, and the Islamists are all trying to conserve a culture, and that's what makes them conservatives. It's the defining characteristics of conservatism. Hell, it's right in the word conserv(e)atism. I don't know how much more obvious I can make this.

We liberals think that government should be culture agnostic. That's why I'm against anti-nudity laws. The amount of clothing that is considered socially appropriate is a culture-specific preference, and thus has no place in our laws. I'm not conserving a culture. I'm advocating policies that are independent of culture. That's liberalism.

The fact is that all conservative tribes hate each other even more than they hate actual liberals. This is because all conservatives want their own culture to be dominate even the only culture, but it is mathematically impossible for more than one culture to be dominate. So each conservative tribe sees all other conservative tribes as the enemy.

FortWayne, you and the rest of the conservative right have a lot more in common with the conservative left than either of you have with liberals. Both the left and the right believe in using the state's authority to mandate cultural norms. Sure you want different cultural norms then they do, but you still want a state-sponsored culture. They don't want you saying "nigger" and you don't want them burning an American flag. Same fucking thing. The state is still using it's monopoly on legal violence to oppress offensive speech.

Everything you bitch about is what other conservative tribes do, and then you and your tribe does the exact same thing like hypocrites. Oh, but it's your culture, so it's different. Your culture is special. Everyone else's culture is shit and shouldn't be forced on anyone, but your culture should be forced on others because it's the right culture. Jesus says so. What a crock of shit.

The left and the right deserve each other. You're both despicable and for the exact same reasons. The exact same reasons.
28 epitaph   2017 Sep 9, 7:47pm   ↑ like (3)   ↑ dislike (3)     quote        
Really could use a little more tolerance.
29 jvolstad   2017 Sep 9, 8:44pm   ↑ like (4)   ↑ dislike (4)     quote        
Don't forget Realtors.


30 BayAreaObserver   2017 Sep 10, 8:45am   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
Three Word Guy aka Fort Wayne says "fake photo edits and constant assaults on religion"....

Does this angst apply to taking shots at all religions or just certain ones ? I bet your okay with shots at any denomination other than your own now aren't you especially if they support a left of center political candidate or one right of center you don't like or agree with.

Did you ever bother to look at the very bottom of the page on the Babylon Bee web site and see one of their sponsors ? It happens to be
Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary - go figure huh

http://www.mbts.edu/mdiv/?utm_source=babylonbeefall17&utm_medium=anchor&utmcampaign=babylonbee

The Babylon Bee is a satirical evangelical Christian website. The site is famous for over-the-top fake stories focusing on well known pastors, celebrities, and politicians.

The BB gets a lot of flak from various "Christian" sects and group because their satire is often hard to distinguish from the truth.

Chill out Three Word Guy - Never saw anywhere in the Bible that we couldn't poke fun at things that need to be poked.
31 APOCALYPSEFUCK_is_ADORABLE   2017 Sep 10, 8:49am   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
Chicks really dig fucking on the altars of burning churches.
32 PCGyver   2017 Sep 10, 4:54pm   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
BayAreaObserver says
Did you ever bother to look at the very bottom of the page on the Babylon Bee web site and see one of their sponsors ? It happens to be
Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary

Prominent, always-there anchor ad stays pinned to the bottom of the screen, across the entire site, on all devices

Classic

Baptist is better!
33 Strategist   2017 Sep 10, 7:09pm   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
BayAreaObserver says

Chill out Three Word Guy - Never saw anywhere in the Bible that we couldn't poke fun at things that need to be poked.


You can poke fun at Christianity all you want. You are not allowed to poke fun at Islam. Ask any Muslim.
I hope that's clear to everyone.
34 anonymous   2017 Sep 10, 7:37pm   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
Dan8267 says
No. Those are conservatives, just like you.


No Dan, those are liberals like you... an overgrown hippie.
35 BayAreaObserver   2017 Sep 11, 6:17am   ↑ like (1)   ↑ dislike (1)     quote        
What's wrong with overgrown hippies ? We have a plethora of overgrown closest bigots on the site.
36 Dan8267   2017 Sep 11, 6:50am   ↑ like (0)   ↑ dislike (0)     quote        
null says

No Dan, those are liberals like you... an overgrown hippie.


Sorry bro, but their stink is on you, not me. The left is conservative. See the thread Leftists and Social Justice Warriors are Conservatives.

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