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Church’s ‘All Are Welcome’ Sign Updated With Long List Of Exceptions


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2017 Sep 9, 2:30am   4,905 views  25 comments

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MOBILE, AL—After receiving several complaints regarding the accuracy of the “All are welcome” message on the sign in front of the church, local pastor Rick Pinkerton finally tacked on an additional disclaimer listing multiple exceptions to Hartford Ave Baptist Church’s welcome policy.



The sign now reads, “All are welcome, except sinners, tobacco chewers, tattooed people, democrats, homosexuals, smokers, drinkers, dancers, etc,” and, continuing on the other side, “hippies, hipsters, vegans, secular TV watchers, and Methodists,” sources confirmed.

“We just wanted to make sure we were advertising what our church is all about accurately,” Pastor Pinkerton said. “Now, the community will know exactly which groups of people are allowed to come hear God’s gracious offer of redemption in the gospel, and which ones we’d rather not get our hands dirty offering God’s grace to.”

“I’m really hoping the clarification leads to a much more homogeneous group of people gathering to worship the Lord this Sunday,” he added.

http://babylonbee.com/news/churchs-welcome-sign-updated-long-list-exceptions/
#Religion #SatireOrMaybeNot

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Comments 1 - 25 of 25        Search these comments

1   FNWGMOBDVZXDNW   2017 Sep 9, 5:25am  

I'm shocked by this level of honesty. If they want to really be honest, they will change sinners to unrepentant sinners, and put thugs somewhere near the top of the list.
2   bob2356   2017 Sep 9, 6:27am  

APOCALYPSEFUCK_is_ADORABLE says
Why not put up a marquee asking for 'Hot chicks who suck dick for Jesus!' instead of excluding a list of people that everyone knows the Baptists hate?


I thought the christian family values crowd went for under age boys rather than hot chicks.
3   NDrLoR   2017 Sep 9, 7:42am  

YesYNot says
I'm shocked by this level of honesty


I'm shocked at the level of sense of humor since all are sinners.
4   anonymous   2017 Sep 9, 8:51am  

APOCALYPSEFUCK_is_ADORABLE says
Why not put up a marquee asking for 'Hot chicks who suck dick for Jesus!' instead of excluding a list of people that everyone knows the Baptists hate?


Gentle Reader,

Hallelujah, Brother! Pootie Tang for Jesus!

Regards,
Roidy
P.S. I like this Baptist Preacher- crass, smart-assed, in-your-face-"Fuck You, Asshole!" sarcasm. I may be an Atheist, but I would attend his sermon at least once.
5   Strategist   2017 Sep 9, 9:08am  

anonymous says


The sign now reads, “All are welcome, except sinners, tobacco chewers, tattooed people, democrats, homosexuals, smokers, drinkers, dancers, etc,” and, continuing on the other side, “hippies, hipsters, vegans, secular TV watchers, and Methodists,” sources confirmed.


Will someone give me one good reason why churches even deserve tax benefits?
6   Patrick   2017 Sep 9, 9:09am  

All religions demand a monopoly on pleasure.
7   Shaman   2017 Sep 9, 9:18am  

I think about half the people replying in this thread completely missed the fact that it's a satirical article...
sad
8   Strategist   2017 Sep 9, 9:25am  

Quigley says
I think about half the people replying in this thread completely missed the fact that it's a satirical article...
sad


I missed it. But i'm pretty sure this is what's in the mind of many churches.
9   HEY YOU   2017 Sep 9, 9:27am  

They forgot to list unclean swine eaters.
What's the difference between those listed & Baptists?
10   FuckTheMainstreamMedia   2017 Sep 9, 1:45pm  

John 3:16 is the basis of most Christian religions.

Based on the verbiage of John 3:16 it logically follows(and is outright stated in many places in the Bible) that all humans sin and fall short of the glory of God.

So if that sign is real, it basically would allow no one to attend.
11   NDrLoR   2017 Sep 9, 2:05pm  

jazz_music says
This one is hysterically funny to me for some odd reason.


That's the point so many miss that this was intended to be humorous, if in somewhat bad taste.
13   Dan8267   2017 Sep 9, 2:14pm  

www.youtube.com/embed/JyD8BxoB2To
Wow, white people really can't dance.
15   FortWayne   2017 Sep 9, 2:53pm  

Bad photo edit

Liberals make up grievances where none exist.
16   Dan8267   2017 Sep 9, 3:59pm  

FortWayne says
Liberals make up grievances where none exist.


Go ahead and explain that. Come on.
17   FortWayne   2017 Sep 9, 6:10pm  

Dan8267 says
FortWayne says
Liberals make up grievances where none exist.


Go ahead and explain that. Come on.


Do you need me to chew your food for you and label your underwear too? It's the fake photo edits and constant assaults on religion.
18   Dan8267   2017 Sep 9, 6:12pm  

FortWayne says
Do you need me to chew your food for you and label your underwear too? It's the fake photo edits and constant assaults on religion.


If you are going to make a statement that no one believes, then yes, you have to show a convincing argument with evidence to persuade people. All you do is bitch about liberals, but what you bitch about is always what has been done by you conservatives. You just don't like the word liberal, and you are triggered by specific words. The sad thing is that you still don't even know what an actual liberal is.
19   FortWayne   2017 Sep 9, 6:16pm  

Dan8267 says
FortWayne says
Do you need me to chew your food for you and label your underwear too? It's the fake photo edits and constant assaults on religion.


If you are going to make a statement that no one believes, then yes, you have to show a convincing argument with evidence to persuade people. All you do is bitch about liberals, but what you bitch about is always what has been done by you conservatives. You just don't like the word liberal, and you are triggered by specific words. The sad thing is that you still don't even know what an actual liberal is.


You get hung up on some overly specific word definitions, way too much. Liberals... are the people who run around promoting identity politics, demanding hand outs to them because they are gay/specific race/specific gender/just because they want it/life isn't fair and they are special.
20   Dan8267   2017 Sep 9, 6:35pm  

FortWayne says
You get hung up on some overly specific word definitions, way too much.


Language is important. If I said "Republicans" are always sexually assaulting children when I meant "pedophiles", wouldn't you have a legitimate objection? Properly identifying groups is important. America fought the Nazis, not the Mongolians, in World War II. That's an important distinction.

FortWayne says
Liberals... are the people who run around promoting identity politics, demanding hand outs to them because they are gay/specific race/specific gender/just because they want it/life isn't fair and they are special.


No. Those are conservatives, just like you. So are the people trying to enforce Sharia law. The left, the right, and the Islamists are all trying to conserve a culture, and that's what makes them conservatives. It's the defining characteristics of conservatism. Hell, it's right in the word conserv(e)atism. I don't know how much more obvious I can make this.

We liberals think that government should be culture agnostic. That's why I'm against anti-nudity laws. The amount of clothing that is considered socially appropriate is a culture-specific preference, and thus has no place in our laws. I'm not conserving a culture. I'm advocating policies that are independent of culture. That's liberalism.

The fact is that all conservative tribes hate each other even more than they hate actual liberals. This is because all conservatives want their own culture to be dominate even the only culture, but it is mathematically impossible for more than one culture to be dominate. So each conservative tribe sees all other conservative tribes as the enemy.

FortWayne, you and the rest of the conservative right have a lot more in common with the conservative left than either of you have with liberals. Both the left and the right believe in using the state's authority to mandate cultural norms. Sure you want different cultural norms then they do, but you still want a state-sponsored culture. They don't want you saying "nigger" and you don't want them burning an American flag. Same fucking thing. The state is still using it's monopoly on legal violence to oppress offensive speech.

Everything you bitch about is what other conservative tribes do, and then you and your tribe does the exact same thing like hypocrites. Oh, but it's your culture, so it's different. Your culture is special. Everyone else's culture is shit and shouldn't be forced on anyone, but your culture should be forced on others because it's the right culture. Jesus says so. What a crock of shit.

The left and the right deserve each other. You're both despicable and for the exact same reasons. The exact same reasons.
21   epitaph   2017 Sep 9, 7:47pm  

Really could use a little more tolerance.
22   MAGA   2017 Sep 9, 8:44pm  

Don't forget Realtors.


23   Strategist   2017 Sep 10, 7:09pm  

anonymous says

Chill out Three Word Guy - Never saw anywhere in the Bible that we couldn't poke fun at things that need to be poked.


You can poke fun at Christianity all you want. You are not allowed to poke fun at Islam. Ask any Muslim.
I hope that's clear to everyone.
24   anonymous   2017 Sep 10, 7:37pm  

Dan8267 says
No. Those are conservatives, just like you.


No Dan, those are liberals like you... an overgrown hippie.
25   Dan8267   2017 Sep 11, 6:50am  

null says

No Dan, those are liberals like you... an overgrown hippie.


Sorry bro, but their stink is on you, not me. The left is conservative. See the thread Leftists and Social Justice Warriors are Conservatives.

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