patrick.net

WASHINGTON—Disoriented and “freezing his goddamn nuts off,” a naked Vice President Joe Biden reportedly awoke Thursday morning on an autopsy table in the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner, White House sources confirmed.

“Huh?” said Biden, shooting bolt upright in the darkened morgue among a row of unidentified male corpses. “What the hell? What’s going on? Ah, Christ. You gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“Not again,” the vice president added.

Biden, who vaguely recalled spending the previous evening at a seedy strip club “where anything goes” with several high-ranking cabinet members, was unable to remember the details of what occurred afterward or how he ended up in the morgue, speculating that he must have had a “fucking blast.”

“Last thing I remember, [Secretary of the Treasury] Jack [Lew] and Blaze and me were blowing off a little steam at Crystal City, then we stepped out for some taquitos with Cinnamon and that other little firecracker,” said Biden, squinting his bloodshot eyes and assessing what appeared to be a phone number scrawled in lipstick on his inner right thigh. “Gets real fuzzy after that, though. I told those guys that shit was laced.” ...