Washington, D.C. – Economic analysts were abuzz Monday following the release of February's Labor Department figures, which showed the unemployment rate for hot young women in the U.S. holding steady at zero percent for the 302nd month in a row.
"What these figures say is that if you're looking for work in America right now, you'll have no problem finding it - as long as you're a totally smokin' hot young chick, that is," senior U.S. economist Cary Leahey said in a television interview Sunday. "From small businesses to major corporations, companies across the board are hiring cute young hotties for positions every bit as quickly as they always have."
Independent economic analyst Eli Patterson said the report indicates that although the national jobless rate for run-of-the-mill, average-looking workers actually rose from 7.8 percent in January to 8.0 percent in October, not a single attractive female under the age of 30 is currently unable to find work.
"Sure, today's job market is kind of a nightmare for those unskilled laborers that are maybe a few pounds overweight or not especially striking or, well, male," said Patterson, speaking from his New York office. "But the Labor Department's February figures say conditions remain optimal for gorgeous, barely legal girls to find someone willing to hire them - especially if they wear their hair down and dress in semi-revealing clothes for their interviews. It's little things like that that can catch a human resource manager's eye and go a long way toward getting them the job."
Patterson claimed that thin, young, ultra-sexy women have a distinct advantage in today's job market: "Employers in general seem more willing to take a chance on total drop-dead knockouts."
In fact, analysis of Labor Department figures shows that the rate of unemployment among the country's young stunners has not risen above the zero percent mark since January of 1978.
"If you look at the statistics, it's clear that sexy babes are historically the most employable members of the nation's labor pool," said Patterson as his secretary - an unbelievably hot piece of ass that couldn't be a day over 21 - refilled his coffee mug. "And all indications are that this trend will likely continue for the foreseeable future."
A recent poll conducted by USA Today reported that employers - even when presented with a field of more qualified applicants - predominantly hire the youngest, best-looking female for the job, regardless of that sexy little number's lack of education, work experience, intelligence, personality, literacy or competency.
"Hey, if the skirt can even manage to operate a pencil, we'll find something around here for her to do," said Arthur Ceritteno, who owns a mid-sized furniture retailer in the southern U.S. "I always say we're an equal opportunity employer: we'll hire blonds, brunettes, Latinos, Russian girls, whatever. Hell, if the broad - excuse me, applicant - has the assets we need around here, I'll fire somebody to make room for her if I have to. Then everybody's happy."
President Obama, refuting claims that the country's modest economic recovery is failing to translate into new jobs, cited the October report as confirmation that the nation's unemployment situation is improving.
"I can't understand how anybody can say they can't find a job in this market, given all of the improvement we've seen," Obama said. "I guarantee you that I could send my daughters out right now today into this job market and they'd have absolutely no trouble landing a job.
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In a turn of events sources described as “completely coincidental in every way,” the new intern at the consulting firm Marcus, McMahon, and Grieg, in addition to being the most qualified candidate for the position, also just happens be a gorgeous 22-year-old woman, reports confirmed Tuesday.
Those hobbits had no chance against me! After Californication premiered, I thought they had secretly observed me all these years to write their screen play. But even I have to bow down before mighty David Duchovny ;) Balls and chains now, at least still ballls..
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