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What would happen if coffee and caffeine were banned?


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2018 Nov 10, 9:13pm   1,738 views  10 comments

by Patrick   ➕follow (55)   💰tip   ignore  

https://www.ismokemag.co.uk/coffee-caffeine-ban/

So if you know somebody who thinks cannabis should remain illegal but loves to drink a cup of joe in the morning, well, now you more ammo for your argument:

Imagine if we banned coffee & caffeine tomorrow.

Some coffee drinkers would quit.
Others would buy black market coffee beans at high prices.

In 5 years we’d see a thriving black market in synthetic coffee & caffeine pills.
In 10 years we’d have some people injecting caffeine.


We’d spray poisons over coffee fields in South America.

We’d send troops to burn their coffee plantations.

We’d help install dictatorships as long as they promised to wipe out the coffee trade.

Coffee beans would be $1000 a pound so poor farmers would all want to grow it.


In a few decades we’d look back on products like Coca-Cola & make fun of how they used to sell deadly caffeine-laden beverages to children!

Some people would risk growing coffee plants under lights at home.

Other people would get sick & die drinking fake, contaminated coffee.


Some people snort pure caffeine now. But they’re a minority and it’s very rare.

Most people prefer to take caffeine in a drink than in a snorted powder.

But if coffee was banned, many coffee drinkers would switch to snorting caffeine.

And some would switch to injecting it.


If we apply this logic to other substances, we see that LEGAL COCA TEA would reduce the number of people snorting and injecting cocaine.

We also see that LEGAL OPIUM TEA would reduce the number of people snorting and injecting opiates.

End prohibition on coca tea and opium tea!


85% of us use caffeine daily.

If caffeine was banned, we’d only need to see 1% of current caffeine users switch to snorting and injecting for this to become a major public health crisis.


Of course there would be coffee activists, a “Free the Bean” movement.

They might even have protests at Sunset Beach & the Art Gallery.

Some cranky people would complain about awful smell of roasting coffee & how all these jittery people will be driving home after the protest.


Some people would want to legalize coffee, saying brewed coffee is safer than injecting caffeine.

Cops & politicians would say allowing supervised coffee sites sends wrong message to kids.

They’d say once you start on coffee, you’ll end up injecting caffeine and overdosing.


Maybe a politician would promise to legalize coffee, with strict regulations.

You can only buy 3 cups of coffee a day.
You can’t drink coffee near schools or daycares.
Coffee can only be served in childproof cups.
No milk or sugar allowed, so kids won’t like the taste.


Landlords would ban grinding beans or percolating coffee at home, because of smell & danger.

Govt would run ads warning against home coffee brewers:

Roasting beans releases toxins!
Coffee grinder has blades that can chop off fingers!
Children can be scalded by hot coffee!


Police would demand a roadside blood or saliva test to determine caffeine levels.

Media would give front page headlines to studies showing that people who snort huge amounts of caffeine before driving have more car accidents.


Politicians would admit to “experimenting” with coffee back in college.

They’d say they tried it but it just wasn’t their thing.

They’d say they prefer amphetamine pills or coca tea or whatever coffee alternative is legal in their reality.


Every few months there’d be a media scare story about kids and caffeine.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CHILD IS MAKING AN ESPRESSO MACHINE.

CRAZY NEW TEEN TREND: COFFEE ENEMAS!

AFTER SCHOOL COFFEE CLUBS, WHAT EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW!


Parents would take their kids to treatment for their caffeine addiction, where doctors would prescribe Ritalin and Valium to keep the kids off caffeine.


Women who drank coffee while pregnant would be vilified & scorned.

We’d see stories in the news about “Coffee Babies” born hooked on caffeine.

We’d read about how caffeine gets into breast milk & turns babies into addicts.


They’d stop calling it “coffee” and start calling it something more foreign and dangerous, like “Kaf.”

PARENTS!
LEARN THE KAF SLANG!
DO YOUR KIDS SAY THESE WORDS?

DOUBLE DOUBLE
STAR BUCK
“GOING TO MEET JOE”
CUPPA JOE
WAKEY JUICE
CUPPED LIGHTNING
BLACK GOLD
BEANER
MILK AND BEANS


Govt & police would tell parents that coffee is different now then when they were young.

They’d say people used to only drink weak home brew coffee with low caffeine.

But since the coffee ban, caffeine levels have skyrocketed, so now they definitely can’t allow it!


Wealthy people would all have a stash of coffee beans at home. Sometimes they’d have “Coffee Parties” for their elite friends.

Poor people would get stopped on the street & searched if a cop claimed they smell like coffee.


In a world where coffee was against the law…

Cops would do random “Stop & Pop” street checks, targeting minorities and poor neighbourhoods.

They’d “Stop” people and make them “Pop” off the lid of their tea or water bottle, to prove that their beverage isn’t actually coffee.


In a world where coffee was against the law…

Wealthy people would buy “the good stuff”: pre ground “coffee” that’s 20% real beans & 80% filler.

“Street coffee” would be all filler: sawdust mixed with synthetic caffeine that someone made in their basement.


In a world where coffee was against the law…

There’d be groups of teens with t shirts saying BEAN4LIFE and C8H10N4O2, passing around a big cup in the parking lot during lunch break at high school.

Kids who were suspiciously alert in class could be expelled for coffee abuse.


In a world where coffee was against the law…

People would go to Amsterdam to visit their coffeeshops… just for the coffee!

Comments 1 - 10 of 10        Search these comments

1   MisdemeanorRebel   2018 Nov 10, 9:16pm  

Many Pot Smokers are hypocrites though, especially when it comes to tobacco products and where you can smoke. And Vaping, too.

I know many Pot Smokers who want joints to be legal pretty much everywhere they want to smoke, but want tobacco banned there (ie the patios of bars).
2   FuckTheMainstreamMedia   2018 Nov 10, 11:06pm  

I think there's maybe two regular posters here who would be against pot legalization and I suspect not very passionately against.
3   Tenpoundbass   2018 Nov 10, 11:31pm  

Protest would begin at Noon!
But they would be less animated than 8am.
4   Ceffer   2018 Nov 11, 1:38am  

Obviously, if caffeine were criminalized, Starbucks would start dealing heroin.
5   Y   2018 Nov 11, 5:25am  

The 'siesta' would migrate to northern climes...

Patrick says
What would happen if coffee and caffeine were banned?
6   MisterLefty   2018 Nov 11, 6:12am  

Patrick says
What would happen if coffee and caffeine were banned?
I'd be growing coffee trees somewhere in Costa Rica.
7   BayArea   2018 Nov 11, 8:54am  

Clever Patrick lol
8   clambo   2018 Nov 11, 9:01am  

I support that they make drugs legal, but that you cannot vote if you test positive for any of the ones that make you stupid.

If you want to induce stupidity, hallucinations, lose motor control, lose judgement, lose money, damage your organs, by all means go ahead and do it.

Testing positive for addictive drugs=no health treatments for your self-inflicted issues (blood diseases, heart problems, brain dysfunctions, car accidents, self-induced facial plastic surgery, etc.)
9   Ceffer   2018 Nov 11, 1:10pm  

If caffeine were banned, RealDolls would have to bitch slap their owners awake and drape them over their shoulders to the cold shower and breakfast table and then bitch slap them some more to get dressed and out the door. Work desks and keyboards would need slobber guards for workers passed out until 11AM at their workstations.
10   MAGA   2018 Nov 11, 1:20pm  

I would die without my morning Starbucks.

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