patrick.net

"God help us all," murmured one scientist at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "It's evolved laser cannons! Frickin' laser cannons! If it weren't so deadly, it'd be pretty frickin' rad. Man, oh man."

The new variant is double the size of the last one. It is also supersized, so it comes with larger fries and a giant sweet tea, which is a nice consolation for it being so deadly. It's a limited edition, so get it while supplies last. It also apparently had radioactive sludge spilled on it while it was being developed at the Wuhan lab, so it has developed a craving for pizza and the tendency to shout, "Cowabunga!" and other radical phrases. And, as we mentioned before, it's got frickin' laser cannons. Finally, it's the Snyder Cut of the virus, so it has over 4 hours of extra lung-hacking action.

"This virus is now totally rad," said Dr. Fauci. "I hope you guys like it."

Fauci has promised the "Fauci Cut" coming soon, where he has total creative freedom to create the virus without the Chinese government editing his work so closely.

Provincetown, Cape Cod

Strikingly, a three-letter word missing from this long article about Provincetown is “gay.” Provincetown is perhaps the gayest place in America. From KALW Public Media in the SF Bay Area:

Provincetown – The Gayest Little City in the World
KALW | By Eric Jansen
Published April 16, 2015 at 9:50 AM PDT

But you’re never supposed to mention anything involving gays transmitting infections while partying. After all, we now know that the AIDS epidemic in America was the fault of Ronald and, especially, Nancy Reagan, not the people who infected other people. Follow the Science!

AIDS epidemic in America was the fault of Ronald and, especially, Nancy Reagan, not the people who infected other people. Follow the Science!

After all, we now know that the AIDS epidemic in America was the fault of Ronald and, especially, Nancy Reagan, not the people who infected other people. Follow the Science!