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NEW YORK, NY — Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has unveiled their new mascot, an adorable glob of platelets who goes by the name "Clotty".
"See? Blood clots aren't scary!" said Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla as a smiling Clotty danced onto the stage. "Welcome to Pfizer, Clotty! Let's get one of these little guys into every home in America!"
While Pfizer initially pushed back against evidence tying the vaccine to blood clots, the company has decided to instead embrace it. "We are so excited for Clotty to help us put a friendly face on heart attacks and strokes," said Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla. "Every new COVID booster will now come with a plush Clotty doll you can take to the hospital when you inevitably get admitted with a massive embolus. You'll love squeezing Clotty while they wheel you into the cath lab! Thanks, Clotty!"
The new mascot's reception has thus far been overwhelmingly positive, with Clotty paraphernalia already showing up in several politicians' offices. "Gosh darn it, I love the little guy," said Senator Elizabeth Warren, sporting a Clotty t-shirt as she adjusted a picture of her and Clotty. "Every child in America should be so lucky as to have one of these precious little blood clots. I will continue to do everything in my power to make it happen."
At publishing time, Donald Trump had reportedly added Clotty to his list of potential running mates.
WASHINGTON, DC — In a move designed to both bring in some extra revenue for the federal government as well as send a message of encouragement to the public to get vaccinated, tonight's State of the Union address from President Joe Biden will be sponsored by Pfizer.
"We've really been a driving force behind most decisions made by the country's leadership anyway," said Pfizer spokesperson Phil Brooks. "The next logical step is to just start publicly sponsoring this type of official policy speech."
Fresh off its sponsorship of the much-talked-about musical performance/Satanic worship service by Sam Smith at the Grammy Awards, the pharmaceutical giant is looking to expand its public presence into the political sphere. "Most members of Congress are on our payroll already," Brooks continued. "Sam Smith's performance at the Grammys, combined with a speech from President Biden, really captures the essence of what Pfizer is all about. They go hand-in-hand."
Other potential sponsors were reportedly discussed behind closed doors by the Biden administration, including Balenciaga, the Chinese Communist Party, and Satan himself. "We thought about other options, but Pfizer seemed like a good start," said a White House source under the condition of anonymity. "After all, we can't really be too open and honest about who controls our messaging."
At publishing time, additional ideas being bounced around included having the President do paid ad reads for Pfizer during the speech, adding a musical interlude by Sam Smith, or even inviting Pfizer mascot Clotty to be one of the President's guests.
Pfizer: We need to pause advertising on Twitter to see how
moderates hate speech
Also Pfizer: How much to sponsor the Satanic performance at the Grammys?
Watch until the end👇
• “There is evidence that suggests patients who receive a COVID-19 vaccine are at an increased risk of myocarditis.”
• “Onset was typically within several days after mRNA COVID-19 vaccination (from Pfizer or Moderna), and cases have occurred more often after the second dose than the first dose.” [PAGE 19]
• “The reasons for male predominance in myocarditis and pericarditis incidence post COVID-19 vaccination remain unknown.” [PAGE 28]
• “The pattern of cases conform, as per the label, to a pattern of myocarditis cases occurring in majority of young males below 29 years of age within the first two weeks postvaccination...” [PAGE 19]
• “Since April 2021, increased cases of myocarditis and pericarditis have been reported in the United States after mRNA COVID-19 vaccination (Pfizer-BioNTech and Moderna), particularly in adolescents and young adults (CDC 2021).” [PAGE 18]
• “Myocarditis events were defined as encounters with a billing or encounter diagnosis consistent with an ICD10-CM or SNOMED CT code for myocarditis which fell within two weeks of receiving dose 1, 2, or 3 of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine.”
• “Incidence rates of myocarditis were measured for each vaccine dose with denominator signifying the total number of patients receiving that dose and numerator signifying the total number of patients meeting the above criteria for an encounter for myocarditis following that dose.”
[NEW YORK – Mar. 16, 2023] Project Veritas published confidential Pfizer documents today showing that the company was aware of the potential risk of myocarditis for individuals who received doses of their COVID-19 vaccine.
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A First Order Analysis says "Ha,ha - foolish Conspiracy Theorist, perhaps this is not the boon to Pfizer you think it is! They are just making modest amounts on the vaccine because the good people at Pfizer just have your good health in mind"
They didn't do the Second or Third Order Analysis.
Almost 400M COVID "Vaccine" doses have been administered, according to CDC. A large percentage of that is by Pfizer.
Why HASNT the Smart Money plowed into this stock and sent it's price skyrocketing?