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LOS ANGELES, CA — In a move designed to streamline the show's format and make planning episodes much easier, ABC has announced that "The View" will now just be a solid hour of the show's hosts beating white women with sticks."This isn't so much a pivot in the show's philosophy or overall direction, but more a simplification of our focus," said openly racist co-host Sunny Hostin. "We've always made it a point to villainize and shame any segment of our viewing audience when they don't follow in lockstep with our opinions, but this change will allow us to cut through other distractions and get right down to what our show is meant to be about. Now let's whip some white ladies!"The announcement was met with a mixed reaction, as even former co-hosts voice their disapproval. "I certainly don't agree with this new format they're pursuing," said Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "I mean, I spent years fearing for my life and being chased through the halls of the studio by a hungry Rosie O'Donnell, but at least they tried to maintain a pretense of impartiality back then."If the format change is a success, producers are open to pushing the envelope even further, including introducing more weapons and feeding conservative guests to lions.At publishing time, co-hosts Ana Navarro and Whoopi Goldberg had already begun selecting white women from the show's studio audience to hang from the ceiling as human piñatas.
U.S. – In a groundbreaking affirmative action program aimed at diversifying its workforce, Starbucks has hired its first and only straight white cis-male barista."At Starbucks, we believe all people deserve the dignity of a good job, including straight white men, even though they are the worst," said CEO Laxman Narasimhan. "We hope this paves the way for many other terrible, awful colonizers to find gainful employment with Starbucks Co. even though they don't deserve it and should probably just die. Ew.""This is a huge day for me," said seventeen-year-old Milwaukee high school student Charles Smith. "I've never even made out with a dude or taken artificial hormones before. I can't believe I was hired!"Starbuck's Chief Diversity Officer Raya Chugbot also applauded the decision, saying a straight cis-man would be a great way to round out their national workforce of gay people, trans people, and gay trans indigenous Skokomish people. "We welcome Smith to the team. Diversity is our strength!" said Chugbot. "Also, I hope he dies. Gross."Smith thanked Starbucks for the opportunity and said he looks forward to working with his local team of 28 members of the LGBTQ+ community.UPDATE: After 4 months of employment, Smith is now gay.