patrick.net

Thousands of Americans suffer from a mentally debilitating disease called Affluenza. Clinically defined as

the inability understand the consequences of one's actions because of one's privileged upbringing

this disease can strike people of any age as long as they have a net worth of at least ten million.

In Texas, a 16-year-old suffering from this illness crashed his daddy's car killing four people while driving drunk. Normally such a crime in Texas results in a public hanging, and Ethan Couch -- so many people with Affluenza are named Ethan for some reason -- faced 20 years in prison.

Luckily, his defense attorneys were familiar with the infliction and the sentence was reduced to 10 years probation. His attorneys argued that Ethan, the real victim, couldn't the one-on-one treatment he so desperately needs for his medical condition at the Texas juvenile justice system for the proletariat.

Defense attorneys asked that he be sent to a small, private home in California which offers intensive one-on-one therapy. They said Couch's father would pay the entire $450,000 price tag.

Stories like this are all too common in cases of Affluenza. But today we are closer to a cure than ever. With your help, I can create a Ponzi Scheme involving recursive derivative backed security derivatives or RDBSDs that can attack the disease at its root.

You see, the presence of obscene amounts of money causes a chemical change in the brain resulting in what physicians call Asshole Syndrome in which a person thinks that he is the only one in the world that matters. Since antiquity we have known that great wealth causes people to become assholes, but during the Dark Ages we assumed that it was the fault of the asshole. Today we know how toxic money is and how it can damage brain function, and that the uber-rich are not responsible for their actions because they have been exposed to these to toxins their entire lives.

That's where RDBSDs come in. By building a financial product so complicated and fucked-up that the employees of the Federal Trade Commission couldn't possibly understand it, I plan to free the sufferers of Affluenza from the very toxic wealth that causes them to suffer Asshole Syndrome. After a few years of having to live like a middle class slob, these patients can fully recover from Affluenza and lead productive lives, certainly more productive than they lead today.

So please show your support by donating to this cause. The rich asshole you save might be you, well, probably not, but anyway...

P.S.

I'm also working to help rehabilitate female sex addicts with daddy issues.

#crime