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Newsweek ran a shocking story yesterday headlined, “Joe Biden gets update from Hakeem Jeffries on Democratic revolt.” The news shocked and updated political experts, who were updated and surprised to learn that Hakeem Jeffries can write letters.

There isn’t much to the story. House Minority Leader Jeffries (D-NY) met with Biden mano-a-mano on Thursday night for a “spirited” interview. Unfortunately, the two men’s meeting was not transcribed and we have no record of how often Biden finished his sentences using ellipses and the word “…anyway.”

(I don’t mean to complain, but sometimes I feel like it just isn’t fair. Why should Biden be spared the frequently difficult labors of coming up with something, you know, I told him, oh well … anyway.)

Obviously, the Jeffries-Biden meeting was a disaster. Otherwise they’d have told us something about it. Instead, all anybody got was two short paragraphs making up Jeffries’ addressed to “Dear colleagues”letter to House Democrats, which he struggled all night at the keyboard to perfect using complete sentences:

Over the past several days, House Democrats have engaged in a thoughtful and
extensive discussion about the future of our country, during a time when freedom,
democracy and the economic well-being of everyday Americans are on the line.
Our discourse has been candid, clear-eyed and comprehensive.
On behalf of the House Democratic Caucus, I requested and was graciously
granted a private meeting with President Joe Biden. That meeting occurred
yesterday evening. In my conversation with President Biden, I directly expressed
the full breadth of insight, heartfelt perspectives and conclusions about the path
forward that the Caucus has shared in our recent time together.

And not a single “anyway.” Great job, leader Jeffries! But in sum, Jeffries reported back to his House Democrats that, “I told him, okay?”

The record is regrettably absent of any response from the Quamquat-in-Chief. (Sorry! Generic Vegetable in Chief. Apologies to Quamquat fans.) We are left to imagine whatever Biden said during the meeting, but I bet it was long and had lots of ellipses.

Jeffries’ letter notably omitted any presidential endorsement. Meaning, Jeffries could have told House Democrats, “I was completely reassured and we all need to get behind our Party’s best mind and glorious leader, Joseph R. Cabbage.” Instead, the letter just sort of ended abruptly, even more abruptly than how Biden aides pull the plug on a press conference the instant Joe starts rambling again about ‘the blacks.’

But if we look a little closer, there’s a clue. It’s right there, in Jeffries short phrase tacked onto the end of his second paragraph: “heartfelt perspectives and conclusions about the path forward that the Caucus has shared.” Wait. What is “the path forward?” One supposes that if the Path Forward included anybody whose name rhymed with ‘pie-den’, Jeffries probably would have said so.

Is Joe Biden wandering down a different political path than the hiking trail the House Democrats are on? Is this all just a staged psyop to grease the undemocratic transition to a replacement candidate, long planned since 2022? Will Taylor Swift ever settle down, or will she keep dating into her 60’s? These are challenging questions with no clear answers.

But what we know for sure is that Jeffries wrote his short, halfhearted, but neatly written letter even though Joe Biden just commandingly announced the rapid deployment of NATO’s strategic army of TikTok influencers, a military development even more stunning and consequential than the United States’ invasion of Grenada.