patrick.net

In a bold and grisly new tradition, the U.S. government held its first annual “Human Sacrifice Extravaganza” in celebration of “Indigenous Peoples' Day,” formerly known as Columbus Day. The brutal event took place at the top of a reconstructed Mayan pyramid in Mexico, where one unlucky citizen dubbed “the chosen one” was offered up to the ancient Sun God K'inich Ahau in a ceremony that seemed more at home in a Mel Gibson flick.

The unfortunate soul, Doug Swenson, an “average Joe” sanitation worker from Minnesota who just so happened to be a straight white male, was randomly selected via a complex lottery system no one actually understands but everyone agrees is “fair and equitable.” Doug, a mild-mannered father of two, was whisked away from his quiet suburban life to become the government’s sacrificial lamb. His fate? To be scalped (in honor of Native American traditions, of course), have his heart cut out, and then unceremoniously decapitated at the summit of the towering temple.

Leading the ritual was none other than U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland, who, dressed in traditional Mayan priest garb, threw himself into the blood-soaked task with surprising enthusiasm. Eyewitnesses say Garland appeared "possessed by the spirit of sacrifice," shouting unintelligible chants while high on peyoti before tossing Doug’s severed head down the pyramid stairs. “The sun demands blood in exchange for bountiful harvests!” he screamed, as sweat and sacrificial blood dripped down his face. “And by K'inich Ahau, it shall have it!”

At the base of the pyramid, a large crowd of government officials and political influencers cheered while drag queens dressed as Aztec warriors performed interpretive dances. Among the enthusiastic crowd were prominent Democrats Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Elizabeth Warren, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who all joined hands and chanted ominously as the lifeless body and head of Doug tumbled down the massive stone stairway. In a display of what historians will surely describe as “peak 2024,” they caught the corpse and severed head, holding them triumphantly in what MSNBC called “a critical moment for social justice.”

The pre-show entertainment, led by TikTok-famous Democratic influencers Harry Sisson, Olivia Julianna, and JoJo from Jerz, included heartfelt speeches about the importance of diversity, equity, and inclusion, as well as scathing critiques of Christopher Columbus. “Colonization was the true evil,” Sisson said solemnly, while surrounded by 45,000 sunburned white people with “#LandBack” signs. “Today, we honor those indigenous cultures… by bringing back their totally awesome science-based traditions.”

Conspicuously absent from the festivities were Vice President Kamala Harris and Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, who both claimed they were “there in spirit” as they continued their campaign trail tours, confident that this year’s sacrifice would secure the progressive vote. Doug Swenson’s family, meanwhile, was compensated with a generous $750 government check and a lifetime supply of Cheetos, which insiders say is about as much as one can expect from an administration that’s dedicated to reparation through ritualistic murder.

Critics of the event pointed out the hypocrisy of demonizing and erasing Western historical figures and ideals in an attempt to virtue signal, while conveniently ignoring the fact that many indigenous societies, like the Mayans, were notorious for their own barbaric and uncivilized practices. “It’s weird that the same people who claim the West is uniquely evil for its violence are now celebrating human sacrifice, but hey, it’s 2024, and irony is dead!” said one onlooker, before being promptly canceled on social media for “hate speech.”

As the sun set on the bloodstained steps of the pyramid and the last of the drag queens sashayed away, the crowd left feeling proud of their contribution to DEI and social justice. Doug's sacrifice, they agreed, was a small price to pay to ensure their moral superiority in the ever-important Twitter/X debates to come.