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Florida man demands right to wed computer
2014 May 7, 5:12am 2,439 views 25 comments
by zzyzzx follow (9)
Comments 1 - 25 of 25 Search these comments
Dan8267
2014 May 7, 5:22am
A Macbook isn't a person. A marriage is a legal contract between two or more persons. The key word is person. You can't enter a legal contract with your Macbook. There is no meeting of the minds.
To equate "marrying" an inanimate object with marrying a person of the same sex is just plain retarded. How can a laptop consent to being married? A gay person can consent or not.
Put simply, marriage is a two-way agreement. If the other party can't agree because it's a tree, then it's not a real marriage. Besides, a person can own a laptop and you cannot own your spouse.
Now, due to Citizen's United, a corporation is a person for legal purposes. Therefore, although you could not marry your Macbook, you could marry Apple.
Personally, I'd marry Google, bop Apple, and kill Microsoft.
Ceffer
2014 May 7, 5:36am
He'll be really ticked when the computer divorces him and gets the house and alimony.
How does he know his computer isn't gay?
Dan8267
2014 May 7, 6:02am
How does he know his computer isn't gay?
The retard is making an obvious Straw Man argument to convince the courts to through out marriage equality.
If gays have the right to “marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual objectâ€, he said.
No one is arguing that you can marry an object, any object. Marriage equality is about equal rights for all persons. You can marry the adult person you want if that person wants to marry you.
The word "person" denotes a certain legal standing above an object. You can own object, but not persons. You can enter legal contracts with persons, but not objects. His argument would only hold if gays were objects instead of persons, but that's not true. Thus his argument is both ridiculous and insulting.
Strategist
2014 May 7, 9:25am
Man sues for the right to marry his porn-laden Macbook, arguing that if gays are allowed to marry then so should other sexual minorities
This is why they invented "civil unions"
Dan8267
2014 May 7, 1:09pm
Since this thread is already silly, might as well put in the obligatory response...
Subject: Wife 1.0.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in
the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself
into all other programs and launches during system
initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night
2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I
am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me,
please!!!
Thanks,
Joe
Tech Support response:
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is
mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0
is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator
to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge
Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but
end up with more problems than the original system. Look in
your manual under "Warnings Alimony/Child Support,"
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the
situation. I am thinking of having Wife 1.0 installed
myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section
regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume
all responsibility for fault and problems that might occur,
regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be
to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the operating system will return to normal. The
system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for
all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high
maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
HydroCabron
2014 May 7, 10:47pm
When we decided to let men and women marry, it opened the door to alpacas marrying dehumidifiers because, hey, what's the difference.
And then people started making slippery slope arguments because, hey, why bother to have standards. And once the slippery slope arguments start, then the camel's nose is in the tent, and the barn door is open, and then they take our guns and piss on a picture of Jesus while eating the Constitution.
Y
2014 May 7, 11:24pm
It's a form of intelligence that you have already acknowledged will someday supercede the human race. That's close enough by today's standards.
A Macbook isn't a person.
Y
2014 May 7, 11:35pm
APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch says
But you can't consummate the marriage.
This guy needs to marry a vacuum cleaner or an appliance he can stick his dick into.
Maybe draw a face and put a wig on it to make it more sympathetic to a court.
Y
2014 May 8, 12:25am
Check the ports...
if it's got firewire......well...you know.
How does he know his computer isn't gay?
Tenpoundbass
2014 Jul 24, 12:46am
APOCALYPSEFUCKisShostikovitch says
But you can't consummate the marriage.
Well all he has to do is plug a fleshlight into the USB port.
It is plug and play.
Dan8267
2014 Jul 24, 1:12am
you cannot own your spouse
Wow, three conservatives disliked that statement. Says all you need to know about conservatives.
Y
2014 Jul 24, 1:46am
A Macbook is not an 'inanimate object'.
It generates sound waves.
It blinks it's keyboard lights on and off.
It continuously rearranges it photon output as detected by the human eye, in the same way the human eye detects light from other animate objects.
The Macbook meets the definition of an animate object and should be eligible for marriage, alimony, divorce, and every other kind of equality laden shit known to mankind .
The door has been opened. Get used to it.
To equate "marrying" an inanimate object with marrying a person of the same sex is just plain retarded.
Y
2014 Jul 24, 1:52am
I know this woman that wants to marry her golf bag, cause it's got a sack of balls and a stiff shafted club.
The door has been opened. Get used to it.
Y
2014 Jul 24, 1:54am
I know this guy that wants to marry his koi, because it has bedroom eyes and smells like fish and ...and...
The door has been opened. Get used to it.
Dan8267
2014 Jul 24, 2:03am
Wow, you're pretty awesome, you can tell that "conservatives" disliked your post!!
Only conservatives are that big of assholes.
NDrLoR
2014 Jul 24, 2:03am
It's going to make an interesting history 100 years from now as people then will wonder why America began turning itself into a looney bin around 1970.
curious2
2014 Jul 24, 3:06pm
The first MacBook was built in 2006. Sevier's MacBook is therefore less than nine years old. Having asserted that the MacBook should be treated as a person, Sevier should be prosecuted for sex with a minor. Sevier did not specify whether he wanted the MacBook to be bride or groom, but as a CHOMO, Sevier would be at risk of ending up a prison wife.
The MacBook should also be checked to see if Sevier might have given it a virus.
After Sevier's abuse, the MacBook may need years of psychotherapy from Norton Disk Doctor, including expensive drug treatment for which Sevier must bear financial responsibility. If Sevier has any remaining assets, those become automatically the property of Apple Inc., as per page 317 of the Terms of Service, which Sevier agreed to by operating the MacBook.
well ...if marriage is a legal contract which allows a nonworking wife to get money in exchange for consensual sex..then why is a 1 hr less restrictive similar verbal contract and its execution between two people illegal ? how can time make it legal to illegal ?
ofcourse i am talking about prostitution. are they not being discriminated in similar lines...
gays don't like the wording hetro in the contract and prostitutes don't like the word "time/restrictions" in the contract.
can we make marriage less redtape and less restrictive to allow a man and his 1 hr girlfriend marry for 1 hr ?
If we can change the definition of marriage to allow some minorities why not for others ?
Ceffer
2014 Jul 24, 3:54pm
It can't be considered a true marriage unless the computer refuses sex when requested at least 27 days of the month.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/10814098/marriage-gay-marriage-mac-wedding-computer-Florida-Utah.html
Man sues for the right to marry his porn-laden Macbook, arguing that if gays are allowed to marry then so should other sexual minorities
Chris Sevier, a man from Florida, believes he should be allowed to wed his Macbook.
Mr Sevier argues that if gays should be allowed to marry, then so should other sexual minorities.
Mr Sevier states he has fallen in love with a pornography laden computer.
“Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women,” he told a court in Florida.
This appears to be not a passing holiday romance, but a lifelong commitment.
If gays have the right to “marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object”, he said.
Mr Sevier, who describes himself as “a former judge advocate and combat veteran”, is persistent, filing claims not only in Florida but also Utah.
The Utah claim, which in reality is an attempt to throw a spanner in the works of a gay marriage case in the federal court, runs to 50 pages.
Mr Sevier argues that allowing gays to marry but denying him the same right amounts to discrimination.
“We are in different classes of sexual orientation,” he told the court in Utah.
If gays feel as is they are second class citizens, Mr Sevier argues then “those of us in the real minority, who want to marry machines and animals, certainly feel like third class citizens”.
Mr Sevier apparently sought a marriage licence for himself and his “machine spouse”, but for some reason was denied.
“The exclusion from marriage to a machine denies myself a dignity and status of immense import,” he argues in his motion.
Mr Sevier cites legal precedents around the world - including a case where a woman married a dolphin and a Chinese man wed a cardboard cutout of himself.
“Allowing my marriage to go forward will not adversely impact the fertility rate any more or less than a same sex couples.
“If there is a risk that is posed to traditional marriage and children, both man-man couples and man-machine couples pose it equally.
“In considering the equal protection clause, there are no fewer policy reasons for preventing man-machine couples from marrying than there are for same-sex couples.”
Unfortunately for Mr Sevier, the courts in Florida and Utah, found his legal arguments unpersuasive.