patrick.net

Characters
Chauncey
Percival
Billy Bob

Billy Bob: Damn it, first trimester abortions are still legal and we have no chance in hell of overturning Roe v. Wade. Can't you fancy pants city folk think of some trick to make abortions effectively illegal even if it's technically a right during the first trimester?

Percival: Of course, I was head boy at Harvard. I'm sure I can come up with some sneaky trick.

A few hours later…

Percival: I have an ingenuous idea! Since we can't make abortion illegal, let's make it so thoroughly unpleasant that no woman would dare go through it.

Chauncey: How do we do that?

Percival: We force women to undergo an invasive and pointless medical procedure in which a dildo-shaped object is inserted into their vaginas. This experience will be just like being raped, something that most women don't like.

Chauncey: Legally speaking, it would meet the definition of rape in most, if not all, states being the forced insertion of an object into the vagina.

Percival: Ah, but the beauty is that the woman has to "consent" to the procedure in order to get the abortion. So it's more like blackmailing a woman into sex than like rape, but it will certainly feel like rape to the woman.

Billy Bob: What about women who are getting an abortion because they were raped? Would there be any loopholes?

Percival: No, those women would be forced to carry their rape babies to term. And as icing on the cake, we'll give the father visitation rights thus forcing the woman to see her rapist every week for the next eighteen years. That will teach the women not to get raped!

Chauncey: This is brilliant. Let's implement these policies right away. We'll say we're doing it for the safety of the women.

A few days later…

Billy Bob: The damn liberal media is saying we're waging a War on Women. How are we going to handle this?

Percival: The same way we deal with everything. We say the liberals are waging a War on Women and keep repeating it until every sheep-shagger believes it.
Chauncey: That won't work on the two thirds of the population that doesn't shag sheep.

Percival: No, but we're never getting their votes anyway. So just repeat "liberals are waging a war on women". When asked to justify that statement, just accuse the questioner of being a misogynist and repeat the sound bite, "liberals are waging a war on women".

Billy Bob: What if some woman says we're full of shit and that we're the ones waging the war on women?

Percival: Call her a lesbian troll who attacks women who want to start families. Remember, we can beat this if we just keep repeating the sound bites that come from conservative radio and t.v. Thinking is the enemy. You don't want people to think about the issues. So just keep repeating these sound bites and the people won't have to think, and then they might vote for us.