patrick.net

RAQQA, Syria — It’s March in Syria, and according to reporters on the ground, the air is palpable with exactly two things: The blast waves from 500-pound bombs, and the anticipation of Syria’s unveiling of its annual “March Sadness” bracket.
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“I think it will be Team Russia and Team USA that make it to the finals,” said Syrian rebel Mustafa Khalifa. “Both will bomb us, both will call us terrorists, and both will declare victory while simultaneously destroying our infrastructure and cultural landmarks.”

“It is really anyone’s game,” he added.

Fresh faces “Trump Administration” and “nuclear warheads” are trying to punch their ticket on the “Hindenberg of the Middle East” early on, while many perennial darlings and tournament mainstays are returning to this year’s tournament, including the Bashar al-Assad regime, leishmaniasis, tectonic earthquakes, and nearly 1,000 armed opposition groups operating within Syria’s borders.

Each team prepares differently, but acting CIA Director Mike Pompeo gave reporters some insight into the clandestine agency’s planning process.

“We prepare for this tournament like we have done every year since 1946,” Pompeo told reporters during pre-tournament interviews. “Arm everyone, let them kill each other, and then let the US military fight a protracted land war it is woefully unprepared for.”

TAMPA — General Joseph Votel, head of Central Command (CENTCOM), was reportedly “stunned” and “more than a little relieved” when the attempted coup in Turkey on Friday happened outside of his Area of Responsibility.
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Votel reportedly threw a party to celebrate dodging the conflict, after double checking his list of countries “out of an abundance of caution.”
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Gen. Curtis Scaparrotti and his European Command staff were less excited by the news.

“I thought France was the only Islamic country in Europe,” intelligence officer Jason Smith confessed. “And Turkey’s Wikipedia page is super confusing.”