patrick.net

ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has cautioned Americans against taking the red pill, as it can lead to severe side effects such as "realizing the truth about the way our society is manipulated by the elites" and "spending all your time on YouTube watching Jordan Peterson videos."

According to the CDC, many are overdosing on red pills, which are a black market drug that has never been approved by the American government.

"We've seen a lot of people recommend taking the red pill," said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. "And we just have to remind everyone that the CDC is not approved by the FDA or any other governing body. It could spread ideas like that freedom is a good thing and that thinking for yourself is a healthy American value. People might start getting the wrong idea."

Walensky said the red pill is contagious, and that just one person taking it could lead to more and more instances of people thinking outside the box of conventional opinion and questioning their leaders.

Meanwhile, the FDA is rushing out an emergency approval process on a new, stronger blue pill to counteract the red pill crisis.

These are the literal two sides of the political aisle right now:

Side 1: You are a bad person. I am going to stalk you explain how bad you are, because we are all going to die unless you submit to medical tyranny and hide your face like a good citizen.

Side 2: Please leave me alone.

The government has three branches?