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London decides: We assess the candidates
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By Savant
May 6, 2021
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Today Britain’s capital city decides on its new Mayor. We assess the leading candidates


Mohammed bin Talni al-Khaled bin Suleiman bin Laden (Labour). Running under the catchy slogan “DEATH TO THE ENGLISH DEVILS” he has raced into a strong lead. His popularity is particularly high among the city’s huge Muslim community. “Myself, my five wives and twenty three children have all voted for him multiple times” enthused Bangladeshi immigrant Mahmud Sarkar, adding “this wasn’t easy given the distance between the welfare office and the voting booth”.


Tyrone Mulumbu (Conservative). Despite holding an early lead the Tory candidate has now fallen into second place. Experts attribute this to his running under the banner of “Vote for the only black in London who hasn’t been in jail” which they felt carried negative connotations. Yet he has strong support among the city’s black ‘community’ and conservative virtue-signalers despite espousing some policies that run counter to traditional Conservative values such as a five-year moratorium on arresting black murderers and free housing for all minorities.


Tristan Ponsonby-Peake (GLBTRTRSXTB Alliance). Now running a distant third but rising fast in the polls zer has been a colourful candidate, attracting favourable media coverage especially for zer’s advocacy of mandatory sex-change operations for school-goers. Zer’s motto of ‘they can change back if they don’t like it’ has resonated with London’s trendy and depraved voting cohort and zer’s victory cannot be ruled out even at this late stage.


Ezekiel Rappaport (Green-Marxist-Anarchist Liberation Front) Despite showing early promise his support has fallen substantially in recent weeks. Experts attribute this to his revised platform which calls for disbanding the Police, executing all Government Ministers, banning cars, trains, air travel, meat, smoking, fishing and cutting flowers.