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Congress Pass Last-Minute 6,000 Page "Stop Kicking Puppies" Bill before Xmas Break

Overloaded with pork, the omnibus bill grants Congress members immunity for insider trading, crack/cocaine use, and, ironically, animal abuse.

Washington, D.C. — In an inspiring show of holiday spirit and legislative efficiency, Congress passed the "Stop Kicking Puppies Act of 2025" at 11:59 PM last night—just one minute before lawmakers fled Capitol Hill faster than Santa off a rooftop. The bill, touted as a "bold step for animal welfare," was only 6,000 pages long and released to members precisely 25 minutes before the vote. But hey, if you can’t read 6,000 pages in 25 minutes, are you even trying?

“This is a win for America’s puppies!” declared House Speaker Mike Johnson, eyes glistening with what could have been holiday cheer or three Red Bulls and a shot of whiskey. “Everything in this bill is great. The title says it all!”

A closer look at the bill reveals a plethora of strings attached including "essential" provisions that have absolutely nothing to do with puppies or kindness. Among the highlights:

Congressional Immunity Clause: Lawmakers are granted blanket immunity for insider trading, crack/cocaine use, and, in a delightful twist, actual puppy kicking.

Congressional Salary Increase: Members will enjoy a 66.6% salary increase, which some insiders have described as “spiritually appropriate.” One anonymous representative was heard muttering, "It’s what Jesus would have wanted."

Ministry of Truth funding: Millions allocated to an official "Ministry of Truth" office, which will employ a 24/7 staff dedicated to fact-checking your Uncle Steve’s Facebook posts. Because misinformation is dangerous, unlike your elected representative snorting an eight ball.

“Re-Education” Camps for Dissidents: Another few billion dollars set aside for "Truther getaway facilities," designed to help citizens "re-imagine freedom" while reciting mandatory oaths to the World Health Organization. It's like summer camp, but with fewer marshmallows and more trauma-based mind control.

"Plandemic 2 Expenses": A mysterious line item simply labeled "Plandemic 2 Expenses" with $4.2 billion attached. When asked for clarification, the bill's authors gave a knowing wink before disappearing into a plume of smoke.

Foreign Aid: Hundreds of billions funneled to Ukraine and Israel because, apparently, America’s puppies can only be saved once we’ve secured the geopolitical interests of at least two other countries.

In a shocking twist, only one lawmaker voted against the bill: Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Kentucky). Massie’s reckless desire to read the legislation before passing it instantly made him the villain of the holiday season. The mainstream media wasted no time branding him a "viscous puppy kicker." CNN’s headline read "Massie the Menace: Why Does He Hate Puppies (and Freedom)?" And MSNBC’s take: "Massie’s No Vote: A Win for Fascist Puppy-Kicking Monsters Everywhere."

Critics point out that the "Stop Kicking Puppies" bill is a textbook example of Congress' favorite holiday tradition: bundling together sensible-sounding causes with ludicrous spending and hoping no one notices. By slapping a heartwarming title on a legislative monstrosity, lawmakers get to fund their pet projects (and pet-kicking immunity) while smearing anyone who objects.

"They do this every year," sighed one political analyst. "If they really cared about puppies—or anything—they’d vote on each issue separately. But that would make too much sense, and sense was voted out of Congress long ago."

As Congress jets off for the holidays, the nation can rest easy knowing that our lawmakers—having just approved billions for future pandemics and foreign countries—are working hard, not for the American people but for their own self interests. And while the puppies may be spared a few kicks, the taxpayer is getting the full boot on the neck once again. And if you object? Well, there's always room at one of those fancy new Truther camps, courtesy of the "Stop Kicking Puppies Act of 2025." ...