patrick.net

True story: Everything you love or hate about American politics in the year 2024 is the result of a TV cyborg from the late 1990s.

Let me explain.

> In 1997, producers of a show called Star Wars: Voyager needed to boost ratings. Knowing their audience, they introduced a half-robot / half-Baywatch-lifeguard character named Seven of Nine, played by actress Jeri Ryan. Pay attention here, because Jeri is the reason why Trump won in 2016 and why Jill Biden is now the de facto leader of the free world.

> Until 1999, Jeri Ryan was married to a Goldman Sachs investment banker named Jack Ryan (sorry, Redditors, but rich dudes usually get the girls, even the nerdy ones who get paid to say the words “warp drive” with a straight face). In 2004, several years after his divorce from Jeri, Jack decided to run for an open seat in the US Senate. And this is where things get a little weird.

> Divorce records are almost always kept under lock and key (we’re talking about people’s most intimate marital and family-related issues after all). But, partly due to the intrigue of the divorce involving a prominent Hollywood actress, media outlets petitioned to have the records unsealed, and the family court judge made the highly unusual decision to honor the request.

> What Jeri and Jack’s divorce papers revealed was… unsavory. According to the records, Jack had asked Jeri to perform sexual acts in public, including at “a bizarre club with cages, whips, and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling.”

(Side note: Nobody outside of the Ryan family ever needed to know any of this; nothing in the records was a matter of public interest. Disclosing this information to the public at large has always felt like an egregious violation of the power we grant to, and the trust we place in, our judicial system. But I digress.)

> After the divorce papers were unsealed, the ensuing media circus forced Jack Ryan to drop out of the 2004 race. When he did so, his opponent—by now, you’ve probably realized we are talking about Barack Obama—was able to win the election handily and become the next junior senator from the state of Illinois.

> Four short years later, after running an enormously well-orchestrated grassroots campaign, Barack Obama upset Democratic heir apparent Hillary Clinton to become the 2008 nominee. Clinton endorsed Obama and served as his first secretary of state, but everyone knew she was ultimately just biding her time to run again.

> Obama, to mitigate criticism that he lacked political experience, needed an “elder statesman” to be his running mate. Enter Joe Biden, who had served six terms as a senator from Delaware, and who—despite a propensity for gaffes—lent the campaign an air of seriousness and credibility.

> After his inauguration, Obama continued to be dogged by “birther” accusations that he was not actually a natural-born US citizen (including from one prominent reality TV show host). In April 2011, Obama, frustrated with the accusations, spent several minutes at the White House Correspondents Dinner—prom for establishment journalists who grew up thinking “The West Wing” was a documentary and not a cringey LARP drama with even worse writing than the show Seven of Nine was in—roasting that TV show host. According to numerous people, that night was when Donald Trump decided to run for president and undo all of Obama’s presidential legacy.

> In 2015, Obama pressured Biden not to run for the 2016 Democratic nomination, to allow Clinton her turn. No need to belabor what happened that year.

> In 2020, Biden—finally the Democratic nominee, after a lifetime spent seeking the role—faced tremendous pressure to nominate a black woman as his running mate. Again, no need to belabor what happened from there.

> In 2024… well, you get the picture.

So you can see the direct chain of events from Jeri Ryan getting cast in Voyager to Donald Trump and Kamala Harris running nearly 30 years later. If there’s no Seven of Nine, there’s less interest in Jack Ryan’s divorce papers. If Jack Ryan doesn’t have to leave the Illinois senate race in disgrace, it’s possible he beats Barack Obama in 2004. If Obama doesn’t win the senate race, he can’t run for president in 2008. If Obama doesn’t run in 2008, Hillary Clinton easily walks into the nomination—and likely into the White House. Obviously, Hillary Clinton isn’t going to face accusations of being born in Kenya (even though the memes here would be incredible), so she’s not going to lash out at Donald Trump at the WHCD (in fact, she and Trump are likely still on good terms). Trump keeps hosting “Celebrity Apprentice” and selling ties at Macy’s instead of running in 2016, Biden is enjoying an easy retirement on the Delaware shore, Kamala Harris isn’t getting anywhere near the Democratic ticket (thanks again, Tulsi!), and politics today looks wildly different.

Crazy, right?! All because of one sci-fi show that needed a ratings boost.

Tune in next week for my tweet about how Bob Saget is responsible for the creation of ISIS.
https://x.com/RobertMSterling/status/1838576270860292482

(pretty sure the latter is self-effacing humor. I hope. Saget is corny bad enough)