patrick.net

Tim Allen's 'merican! Take it back, Kevin! Or I'm telling my mommy!

elliemae says

Tim Allen's 'merican! Take it back, Kevin! Or I'm telling my mommy!

Eschew Obfuscation

He knows if you've been naughty or nice, big brother has been watching you.

Plus he wears red!

LOL. I think your blaming the wrong people. Santa want you to be a good capitalist and buy, buy, buy! It's the retailers that push the "holidays" ever earlier every year. Some stores opened on Thanksgiving, others midnight the next day. If I had any political power, I force them to all stay closed Thanksgiving and not open till 6am Friday. If it's a National law, you can't claim your store is at any competitive disadvantage of any other store.

sorry guys

http://www.comedycorner.org/5.html

"1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now."

kentm says

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

The mistake here is assuming that the laws of physics as we know them (regarding time and space) apply to Santa.

On an unrelated note (and I don't want to ruin Baps evening), but did you ever notice that Santa is an anagram for Satan ?

Obviously he can't defy the laws of physics. That would be ridiculous.

Kevin says

Obviously he can't defy the laws of physics. That would be ridiculous.

Maybe he does Meth. That would certainly speed things up.

elliemae says

Kevin says

Obviously he can't defy the laws of physics. That would be ridiculous.

Maybe he does Meth. That would certainly speed things up.

Eat some of these and if coma or death do not occur, Santa appears along with Satan, the Beatles and Patrick himself.

mmmmmmmmmmmm, pretty!TMAC54 says

Eat some of these and if coma or death do not occur, Santa appears along with Satan, the Beatles and Patrick himself.

Oh, great one: How do you know that these people don't appear anyway - or do you have some verifiable proof that if death occurs you don't see Santa & Satan listening to a Beatles album while surfin' Patnet?

I recall seeing NORAD tracking Santa at Christmas.

I have it on good authority some of these were fired:

However the Red-suited Menace had stealth technology and easily evaded all our attempts.

Now I'm off to re-watch South Park: Red Sleigh Down

http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s06e17-red-sleigh-down

Woodland Critter Christmas is my favorite episode of all time. Where else but South Park can you combine Santa, Satan, elementary school, cute cuddly animals, abortion, murder & animal sacrifice all into 1/2 hour?

elliemae says

Where else but South Park can you combine Santa, Satan, elementary school, cute cuddly animals, abortion, murder & animal sacrifice all into 1/2 hour?

On any old day in the home of the couple in the photo 'the GOP' posted above, I suppose...

I'll give that post a "9"