patrick.net

Two guys walk into a heavy metal bar... the third guy was smart enough to duck.

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing... it just let out a little wine.

So three engineers were debating what branch of engineering the almighty would have studied, were he an engineering student.

The mechanical engineer pointed to the human body, the way it moves, and postulated that God would have been a mechanical engineer.

The chemical engineer pointed to the complex bio chemistry and insisted God was a chemical engineer.

The electrical engineer points to the neural network as proof God was an electrical engineer.

A civil engineer, hearing this argument walks over to the table and says definitively. "I know for a fact God was a civil engineer." The three look up incredulously and demand he back up his statement.

"Who else would have thought to run a wastewater line through a recreational area?"

Misc says

a Lotta bull

Terrabull

An electrical engineer accidently went to hell. It was too hot so he fixed the air conditioning. Satan was pleased and with the temps down hell became a fun place with all the vice and whatnot.

God took a look and realized his mistake and asked the devil to send the engineer on up. Satan, happy with the new hell, refused. God threatened to sue. The Devil asked, "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

How do you catch a polar bear?

First you cut a big hole in the ice. Then sprinkle Green Giant frozen pees around the edge of the ice hole. When a polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.

The two most common errors in programming are...
1. Infinite loops.
2. Typos
3. Off by one error.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, “why the long face?”

Onvacation says

Misc says

a Lotta bull

Terrabull

A billion is giga, so it would be a gigabull, although terabull makes the joke work, so there might have been a mistake in that one.

Karloff says

A billion is giga, so it would be a gigabull, although terabull makes the joke work, so there might have been a mistake in that one.

Thank you. I meant trillion. Will edit.

An elephant walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: "That's 5 bucks for the beer."
The elephant drinks it and looks up.
Bartender: "You know, we don't get many elephants in here."
Elephant: "Not at these prices you won't."

A computer geek, a lawyer and a doctor are in a car.
The car breaks down suddenly.
Lawyer: "Let's call a tow truck."
Doctor: "Maybe I can fix it."
Geek: "Let's all get out of the car, and then get back in."

Here’s my all-time favorite.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

I think I need to be reincarnated as a head banging autistic to get some of these jokes.

Ceffer says

I think I need to be reincarnated as a head banging autistic to get some of these jokes.

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "can you make me one with everything?"

1337irr says

The two most common errors in programming are...
1. Infinite loops.
2. Typos
3. Off by one error.

Typos are hard to do in the MS Rad environment, as the intelisense catches those type of mistakes, and the syntax parser is pretty good at catching missing start and ends to blocks.

For me the most common mistakes are not passing a value to a Sproc on a database call. Or not casting a type, which is a pain in the ass. A number is a fucking number, you should be able to pass a single or a double in to a decimal value. just add the decimal and two zeros at runtime behind the scene, why throw an error for something so trivial. And it's those type of errors that bite you in the ass the most. You shouldn't be able to pass Pi into single double but not the other way around. I always catch these errors before they go to production, but they bite me in the ass often when I'm running the final test thinking I'm done.

Tenpoundbass says

Or not casting a type, which is a pain in the ass.

All types should be explicitly cast, no automatic promotion, ever. I can see why there were automatic promotions in types, in 1980. Not today. Programs today are FAR more complex than they were 40 years ago. It was originally done because the programmer was expected to be an expert and simply not make mistakes. Besides, working in C was a heck of a lot easier than working in assembly.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records!
Until the librarian told me to take it out.

What’s Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?

Wendy’s

If you want to know how many bees Noah had...

Check the ark hives.

Where did the word sophomoric come from?

Sophomores! (Remember how you acted as a 10th grader to get this joke)

1337irr says

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "can you make me one with everything?"

The cashier said, "That will be $16.99 for your pizza with everything."

The Dalai Lama gave her a $20, and waited for change.

The cashier smiled at him as she closed the register, and said "Change has to come from within. Namaste."

richwicks says

All types should be explicitly cast, no automatic promotion, ever.

This, 100%. The only place where I would tolerate automatic conversion is in output, with each datatype having defined its own cast to string format.

There are two things that are certain on the internet...
1. Flame wars.
1. People that don't understand recursion. (see thing number 1)

How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, we don't fix problems, we just point them out.

When walking in the forest watch out for bears. You should carry pepper spray and wear little bells to scare them off.

There are two types of bears around here, black bears, that are usually not dangerous but can be if startled, and grizzly bears, which are bigger and dangerous.

You can tell if bears are in the area by their scat. Black bear scat is often a pile of black droppings peppered with berries. Grizzly scat is brown, has little bells in it, and smells like pepper.

richwicks says

All types should be explicitly cast, no automatic promotion, ever.

That's Racist!

A new report says 25% of women are taking medication for mental illness.

That means 75% are going untreated!