patrick.net

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

Cost me a busted tooth... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try."

After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I went to a bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

"Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! … Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

***************************

rando says

So even birds troll.

Is that true?

Funniest pictures,a collage of the RNC.

Nuke anything for Firefox.

No wonder he bagged Katy Perry.

Dan's favorite pizza place:

zzyzzx says

Splain me

indigenous says

Splain me

The Lonely Island - Dick In A Box

OK, that one is really for programmers

That's the Obamacare clinic.

rando says

OK, that one is really for programmers

Semaphore humor next!

rando says

OK, that one is really for programmers

I'm almost ashamed that I found that funny. Almost.

Straw Man says

Was going to say something about Obamacare, but TPB said it best already.

FortWayne says

Was going to say something about Obamacare, but TPB said it best already.

Planned Parrenthood sign more like it.

Tenpoundbass says

Planned Parrenthood sign more like it.

If it was planned parenthood there would be no kid in that picture, those people are way gung-ho on promoting abortions.

FortWayne says

If it was planned parenthood there would be no kid in that picture, those people are way gung-ho on promoting abortions.

Man I was never good at this stuff, you must have studied hard.

rando says

Wow, I've never seen so many blonde chicks with a nice pussy all in one place before.

Booo. Red flag. Politics in our beloved funny pictures thread.

Fired After 31 Years
James "Jim" Whitey, the head gardener at the White Housewas dismissed today after 31 years of loyal service to scores
of US Presidents and First Ladies.

In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential
Residence, the 64-year old Mr. Whitey, proclaimed his innocence
and strongly condemned his firing.

"It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze," said the bewildered
Whitey. "All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed
outside the Oval Office window like I do every week.

I called out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the
hoe?" and the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was hauling my
ass off the property.