patrick.net

Don't have the baby in a hospital. I'm guessing that decision is already done, but seriously, that was the worst part of both births. Do not accept any shots at the hospital. The vitamin K one maybe, but nothing else. If they ask why, tell them you prefer they are done by your doctor. But does your child need them? No. The naturopath we saw with our last daughter said she had many patients as old as seven and eight who had never had a shot. My daughter is now 3, never had a shot. She is healthier than my first two by far, although she was breastfed longer, and only given organic formula when needed.

Don't cut the umbilical cord until you feel it stop moving with your bare hand. So much goodness is passed from your wife to your baby during that time. Also, don't cut the cord too short. If you do, it can cause the baby to appear to have jaundice when it's really just an excess of blood cells.

Most importantly, don't panic. Your baby will be fine. You will not be perfect. And help out as much as you can. Those early months are brutal with the constant feedings. When I heard my daughter cry after she was born, it was a miracle. I'm not exaggerating. I will never, ever forget that moment.

NuttBoxer says

Don't have the baby in a hospital. I'm guessing that decision is already done, but seriously, that was the worst part of both births.

Thankfully the wife saw everything happening with COVID and decided we were doing a homebirth. It was a nightmare trying to find a midwife that didn't judge us for being unvaccinated, which struck me as odd because I would have imagined that homebirth midwives would be less militant about that stuff. I'll have to be specific about the umbilical cord stuff but I think I'll just take the duty of cutting it while taking my sweet sweet time.

Breastfeeding will be the norm but I'm curious about that organic formula you mentioned. Almost all the formula I've seen are basically just corn syrup solids liquified. Is there a specific brand you used?

Nice, you are SO FAR ahead of me then, way to go! That is weird, we toured some birthing clinics, and those people didn't strike me as the vaccine type..

We bought Earth's Best. With the previous daughter we used Similac and other shit, and I remember she got constipated right away, never happened with the organic stuff. Read the labels though, don't just take my word for it. If you go with a really healthy diet, expect your pediatrician to keep saying your kid is underweight. Not sure if they changed the numbers due to all the fat babies eating garbage? Our daughter was always good or on the high end for every other measurement, height, head size, just not weight. And looking at pictures, I could see the difference, or just looking at any other babies. Fat is the bodies way of trapping toxins.

DhammaStep says

NuttBoxer says

Don't have the baby in a hospital. I'm guessing that decision is already done, but seriously, that was the worst part of both births.

Thankfully the wife saw everything happening with COVID and decided we were doing a homebirth. It was a nightmare trying to find a midwife that didn't judge us for being unvaccinated, which struck me as odd because I would have imagined that homebirth midwives would be less militant about that stuff. I'll have to be specific about the umbilical cord stuff but I think I'll just take the duty of cutting it while taking my sweet sweet time.

Breastfeeding will be the norm but I'm curious about that organic formula you mentioned. Almost all the formula I've seen are basically just corn syrup solids liquified. Is there a specific brand you used?

There are many without corn syrup solids. Costco has decent infant formula wihtout it. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless it's 100% formula and no breastfeeding. Infants and kids need carbs in their early life moreso than anything else. If they stay active there's nothing wrong with carbs. Once they start using their muscles a lot more in high intensity sports or the gym, then protein becomes more important.

DhammaStep says

Sorry for a more personal thread and a shift from political topics. My first child's birth is pretty close now and I've realized that I still feel totally unprepared. I've never really felt simultaneously excited and terrified like this before. Any of you patnet fathers have any advice? Anything you wish you knew before that you learned the hard way?

I know that this will probably be the most important thing I do with my life and I just want to be aware of how others navigate this because I don't really have any fathers in my life to ask for advice. Thanks, patnet.

The banking sleep is no joke. Try to make sure everybody gets 6-7 hours solid, continuous sleep. It is worth asking to change work schedules.

Take advantage of any and all family/friend volunteerism. Having grandma/grandpa around or stay over is a huge help, esp. in the first month.

Your kid will be fine. If you're searching for an exceptional child you'll fail 99.9% of the time. I have a good nurse friend that lost her kid at 3. NOTHING is fool proof or right even with the best advice and even skill. Much of it is just lies to sell a book or product to extract money from you.

YOU will know what's right in the moment. I'd advise mom take care of the kid 100% if they have maternity leave. Dad is not needed during that time outside of occasionally changing a diaper or feeding. You WILL resent the child as a father if you're working full time and waking up at 2am. Again, this is if your spouse gets maternity leave. If she's not working then it's not even a question. She takes care of the kid. It's a job.

You don't get a day off unless you have family structure. Prepare for that. Prepare for no one wanting to help you unless you pay them or give them something in return or getting the guilt trip. Rely on yourself and your wife. Work together, but if you're the breadwinner stand your ground. We don't have 7B people on this planet because dad did everything. They did nothing beside activities over the last 30-60 years and nothing prior. Maybe coaching once older.

Get involved as they get older. The people dictating what happens to your kids are common retards. School board is a biggie if public. Private can be just as dysfunctional if certain moms get in control. Don't live in a city either. Get out. 4-7 are super important years and ALL city schools are shit at that age. All. Not a joke.

Overall no one can guide you. If you're a good person you'll know what to do. Get a good medical book. Don't trust doctors. It killed my friends kid and she was a nurse. But don't freak out when your kid gets sick. Question everything and have a semi-working commoner knowledge of what could be the ailment. 9.9 out of 10 times it's nothing.

You'll know what to do is what I'm saying. Don't buy into any media or hype. Do it how you envision doing it. There are too many layers, ages and times that you'll have no fucking clue what to do. You'll figure it out. I got a pre-teen now and I want to punch him daily (I don't). Each and every kid will be different.

Last note... Let them cry it out or you'll be miserable. Babies cry. They didn't have monitors in the 1890's. Don't drive around to put your baby to sleep. Put them to sleep and they'll sleep. Earplugs are good. If you coddle them in those years they'll end up the whiney kids in school. And you'll never get sleep if you come and "comfort" them.

You'll be fine. We've all been there.

1) Be there for your wife. Her hormones will be all wack a doodle for a bit. Dad's have it easy in the beginning.

2) Their heads are heavy. Support their heads when holding them. If you never held a baby, you'll learn pretty quick the best way to do it.

3) My kids had slightly different cries depending on if they were hungry / wet / too hot (or cold). I expect yours will too. In time you'll learn to discern the difference.

4) They don't break. I'm not saying don't be gentle, but if you kid whacks their arm while flailing about crying you don't need to rush them to the ER. Kids are surprisingly resilient (and flexible)

5) If you are changing the diaper in the summer, crack a window. Trust me.

6) When the baby sleeps, you sleep, even if its a 20 minute cat nap. You WILL be sleep deprived, but its not as bad as everyone says. Much of the heavy lifting normally falls on mom since she is the food source and infants eat fairly regularly since they are growing so fast. IIRC its once every two hours intially.

7) I'm going to disagree with WookieMan (who I respect) and say help where you can. Parenting is a team effort.

That said somone has to be the breadwinner and typically this falls on the father. When my first was born, I was off checking work emails and sending replies before my wife was even discharged from the hosipital. Don't let the kid get into he way of what's important... being a dad.

8) If your wife is best feeding, start freezing milk now so you have a supply in reserve. It won't go to waste.

9) Kids are messed. Get used to all sorts of interesting bodily fluids.

10) Enjoy it.

I joke that my kids are the most unproductive thing I've ever done.. but it's worth it.

GreaterNYCDude says

but it's worth it.

Yes. This brings me back to when my daughter was about 1-2 years old and would smile when she saw me first thing in the morning.

WookieMan says

GreaterNYCDude says

7) I'm going to disagree with WookieMan (who I respect) and say help where you can. Parenting is a team effort.

My point was don't be cucked by your wife. If you're working 50 hours a week and she's at home with a kid on maternity leave, it's 100% her job. You'll change a diaper here and there and feed, but it shouldn't be expected. Like you said she can nap when the baby naps. There's really not much sleep deprivation as the adult unless you jump every time the baby cries.

Give it 10 minutes at least. By 20 minutes maybe check it out. Depends on the scenario. If you just changed them and know they're not sick they'll eventually bail on the crying. We were super hyper with our oldest and gave little shits about our youngest, not in a bad way. We just learned our overreaction led to making it worse. Our 2nd was sleeping through the night because we ign...

Agreed. If you work and provide the bacon, mom mostly provides for the kid, you help out when you can. Also fully agreed on the crying. It's much tougher for moms to ignore it for evolutionary reasons, but the rule of thumb is that if your kid can cry heartily there's nothing wrong with it (a sick baby usually whines lightly and/or is apathetic). They are so loud that you usually need to put them into a separate room rather sooner than later, and after they don't need to night feed anymore you let em cry, no matter how long if nothing else is wrong. It's their way of expressing and usually doesn't mean they are in any sort of physical or emotional pain besides occasional gas/bloating as their intestines grow and adapt. Do not make the mistake and pick them up everytime they cry, the sooner they learn to soothe themselves and sleep independently, the better for you and them.

I've been the quasi stay at home dad during certain times. I truly suck at the cleaning portion. I'll admit my faults. My kids have never missed or been tardy to school. I'm not the best fit for dealing with kids which I think is evident from my post here. I have 3 boys in the house though. Yes I call them morons. Occasionally shit heads. I don't smack them. They are taken care of and are spoiled as can be.

There're great kids compared to the stories I hear. My youngest tried to escape during a fire drill. I don't think he fully understood the concept in kindergarten. Was sent to the principles office and proceeded to fall asleep. Being cocky, but he's a good looking boy. The principle said fuck it and just called us to let us know the situation. There's been kids that run off school grounds and to their home. My kid was dense and thought the drill was real at 5 and tried to get the fuck out of the place. Drills are necessary, but he took it to the max and got the fuck out.

It's little shit like this you'll encounter. Hopefully the wife gets some time off. She'll need it and it will be rough. Support each other. It's not "that" hard. Support your wife though. Postpartum depression is real, so pay attention. Not a good friend, but we hung out a lot as kids. Smoked pot with him for the first time when I was 13. His wife had a kid. She called up on FaceTime to him. She hung herself after having a newborn for 3 months on the phone with her husband. He made good money and her life was set. I forgot that in my earlier comment. Being a widower is not pleasant from my life experience with them. It's demoralizing. Wasn't the husbands fault. Was his 2nd kid and 1st with her. It can be overwhelming to the woman. Dudes just generally say fuck it.

Life is fucked up. Just make sure to pay attention. To your wife and the kids. You should know when shit is hitting the fan even if you don't think you do. I don't need to hear anyones background here, but my childhood and adult life have been completely fucked up. Therapy is not bad is all I'll say. The stigma is bull shit. Even if you get a loopy leftist therapist, give it a chance if stuff is getting rough. Talking to someone that can't repeat a thing you say (unless it's a threat on yourself or someone else) is fucking amazing. Being able to say I love my wife but 2 days ago she was acting like a cunt is amazing. And no it's not a bitch session. You need to be able to vent though. So does she.

I’m a father of three (7, 4, newborn)

Make time, be present, and put away the phone when you are with the kids.

Remember, you get about 4yrs and then they move on from the young child phase. Those first 4yrs are special… the innocence, the way they rush to the door when you get home, the excitement they feel for you.

There will be tough times, there will be times when they drive you crazy, keep perspective. Show them lots of love and don’t take for granted how special the time is.

Before we know it, they’ll be going away to college.

Breastfeeding: my wife put huge pressure on herself to be successful in this department. She was never able to produce enough and we had to supplement with formula to ensure the baby was getting enough food. There’s nothing wrong with this.

The countless hours of staying up at night (whether it be for feedings or taking care of a sick baby) remember it’s temporary. As someone that works a high stress job in the Silicon Valley, the lack of sleep can be very difficult (I’m going through this now with our youngest)

There are times when my wife and I get badly sleep deprived. What I mean is a number of consecutive nights where we get 3-4 hrs of sleep for example and just wiped out due to a sick baby or one that just isn’t sleeping well. When we badly need sleep, we’ll go to sleep at the same time as the kids, that may be 8pm. Sleep when you can.

Understand that your wife may temporarily be a different person after giving birth. Her hormones will be out of whack, she will be badly sleep deprived, she may even feel depression. Help where you can, it’s a team effort.

Good luck to you. I’m excited for you to hear that first cry the moment your baby enters the world.

Trust the evidence of your eyes and ears. Be on top of any changes, like diet, and don't let Soy Society or Bullshit Intuition claims otherwise if you start seeing bad reactions.

I find the best ages 5-10 so far. They need less constant guarding and watching, but are still fun and finding fun in everything.

Also +1 to Wookie's crying reax. After the first few months, if the diaper ain't dirty, and they ate, they're fine.

Another trick, from Grannie, is sometimes they DO get thirsty late at night. They can't tell you and probably don't know the difference between hunger and thirst themselves. If they've been increasing the time between feedings, just give them water every other time when they're over 6 months. One indicator is they don't finish the bottle and after a few sips pass out. Do this and the time between feedings will rapidly decrease.

Oh, and space documentaries are great - soothing music, not to much flashing on the screen - when feeding at night. AND DONT YOU EAT at night while you're in the kitchen, esp the first few weeks when it's all congrats cake and leftovers, or you'll be looking like chubster yourself.

AmericanKulak says

Oh, and space documentaries are great - soothing music, not to much flashing on the screen

Good point. I actually never though about one of those white noise machines for babies. I use them as an adult, but never thought about using it for a baby like the soothing music you mention.

I have ridiculous tinnitus for my age. Drummer and no ear plugs for a decade so I'm fucked. It helps me sleep and the ringing is less noticable. Wife hates it, she likes the TV. So I use it when I'm in the basement so I can get 3 hours of sleep as a fucking insomniac. Classic Wookie tangent.

Which brings up another point. Unless you're a lucky one, bounce back sex after giving birth likely won't be there. Don't force it as your spouse will likely be insecure about their body and the stress of having a baby and the sleep others brought up. It sucks. And it will likely never return to pre-baby levels unless you got a horny lady which isn't a knock.

Sex is healthy but frequency will go down unless it's a younger relationship. After 3 months it should pick up again, especially if you're looking for a 2nd or more kids. My second kid when my wife found out she was pregnant I told her "I got you, you fucker." Not a joke. That's our personalities. Very sarcastic and crude. Don't stray, give her time if she's not on the sex bandwagon. I know you're asking about the kid, but you have needs and that part of life could change for you as well. Be patient is my advice having banged my wife for 25 years with gaps of 2-3 months at times which sucks. They come around if emotions are good.

Oh forgot this. And it's going to sound gay. Get a therapist. You need a place to vent without anyone knowing, including your wife. I'd rather do that than get a massage.

I'm an angry person so I might be more biased. No one has the perfect spouse. Made up name, but you need to be able to talk about "Betty" and tell someone she was being a cunt. Built up anger and anxiety about the relationship as it changes is the definition of divorce once you have kids. One party expected one thing and the other expected something else.

Some people can pull it off without help. 50%+ end up in divorce. I know I'm an ass hole and portray this cool life. My wife and I fight like mother fuckers. It's not perfect and kids change that. Don't let it degrade into the you did X and I did Y arguments. Once that starts happening get to the therapist. No one is winning that fight, you're both losing.

Kids are awesome. Biggest thing I'd say is pay attention to your spouse. We're a first world country. Your kid(s) will be fine. It degrades if you lose the passion for each other. Oxygen mask theory. If you're not happy your kids won't be either. Going down a rabbit hole, but I'm right. I'm not an expert, but 25 years with one person (mostly) I can say I know some things. It's a roller coaster and kids change a lot. And generally it's the female and that's out of your control.

Good point about taking care of yourself

Chances are you are the breadwinner and leader of the family. If you’re not doing well, it will impact everything downstream.

I like the airplane oxygen mask example.

Its greatest joy.
And just help mother n child as much as you can. Lot of things won't make sense but go with it.

Learn about baby's poop, there is poop chart. They can go without pooping for up to 5 days.

DhammaStep says

I know that this will probably be the most important thing I do with my life

Because you know this, you will do great. Care, patience, understanding and always realizing that kids are learning how to regulate their emotions and outbursts will take you a looooong way to doing a great job.

I'm a grandfather now. It is easy to see where my shortcomings were when raising 2 girls. I needed more patience and understanding.

KgK one says

Learn about baby's poop, there is poop chart. They can go without pooping for up to 5 days.

Jesus, I went to sex and you went to poop... lol. That's seriously funny but true. First kid you think they're going to die over the littlest thing. Son a bitch didn't shit for a week. My niece's record I think was two weeks. As they grow they have massive shits. Sometimes it tears their ass hole a bit and there might be blood. Internal bleeding is a dark black stool. But ass hole you'll see red blood. Been there done that with my youngest big shitter. Freaked my wife out. This is more toddler phase though.

Don't be a hypochondriac, but make sure to pay attention. My nurse friend I mentioned that lost a child was really young and naive. Still kind of is. She's 34 today, her birthday today and her oldest is going to college for perspective. High school pregnancy. Her 2nd died when she was 23 and the kid was 2-3 years old. Bacterial infection. So she went full medical and became a nurse. And is now a massive hypochondriac. Even to adults that aren't family. Massive guilt. Not trying to scare the OP, but things do happen albeit rarely.

Stuff will happen. Knock on wood with two of mine and my nephew, only my nephew broke his arm... and my son did it at baseball practice. The collided on a fly ball. Got moms barking at me to drive my car on the field to get him to the doctor. I walk up and said it's just an arm, he can walk. Moms didn't take that well. Didn't take him to the doctor until the next day. Yup, it was broken. Kids are tougher than can be though. I have to sometimes pat myself on the back. My nephew needed a father figure. I'm flawed, but the way I handled it was how a man should. Wasn't a compound fracture, wasn't bent, we'll check it out tomorrow. Gave him some children's Tylenol and went in the morning. A mom would be running around with their hair on fire.

They then proceeded to fuck up the temporary cast cutting off his circulation and his hand inflated basically. The next doc setting the hard cast was like what the fuck did they do??? So many tips. Keep an eye on the docs is all I'll say. We have a one nut (testicle) son. Had a bull shit procedure done on him at about 2. Pissed still. It was completely unnecessary. I was legit crying in the recovery room. Part of that is what has led me to not take pills and know my body and not trust the medical field. I hope Covid opened a lot of people's eyes. Unfortunately I don't think it did.

GNL says

I'm a grandfather now. It is easy to see where my shortcomings were when raising 2 girls. I needed more patience and understanding.

Men don't have patience really. Hindsight is 20/20. You have a grandkid. You did something right to get to this point.

I'm going crazy on this thread but it's recently relevant to me. My dad would beat the fuck out of me. My mom watched and did nothing so I hated them both. I was the spoiled brat but abused kid. Vowed NOT to be that way with my kids but still have discipline. I think I'm doing okay. It's easier now with electronics. You take them away. You don't throw them into a wall...

I know some older users, age wise may have dealt with physical abuse. My dad was old school and his dad died when he was 11 and my grandma (his mom) was a massive alcoholic, but lived to 93, but that's another story. He really had no fucking clue what to do as a parent.

I feel like Ohomen in this thread except I use paragraph breaks. Sorry, the OP has triggered a lot of thoughts and the comments. I'll pause for a bit.

WookieMan says

Men don't have patience really.

Yep most don't, we're mostly wired that way. I can take physical care of any baby probably better than 80% of mothers, know what to watch out for and how to treat. Your baby stays alive with me, whatever happens. However when it comes to bitching and crying and screaming, to not sleeping or fucking shit up where I said no twice you will get zero patience and 100% consequences. That's why when they are newborns/infants, it's often better to just put them in a crib in another room and shut the door and take care of yourself. Most abusive violence to babies comes from mothers, and sometimes it started with wanting to be there for every little shit and cry until they reached a no sleep breaking point. Rule number one for parents is to take care of themselves first as long as the kid is healthy, they are far more brittle than their offspring (case in point covid). Watch out for the terrible 2s which can last from 1 1/2 to 3 1/2 easily lol

mell says

Your baby stays alive with me

Lol. My wife tells me this all the time. "You just keep the kids alive." I'm like no shit? What's the alternative?

I'm a Bill Burr type personality wise. Not as funny. But I'm raw. I also have boys, so it's easier in a sense to shoot the shit. I passively have told a friends daughter to fuck off when she was annoying me... she always does and she knows it... Regretted it as she is 11, but I'm used to my boys and did I mention she's annoying. She wasn't upset and laughed (she won that battle) and the parents gave no shits. If I did that in Chicago or Oak Park, IL I'd be immediately arrested for some reason.

mell says

Watch out for the terrible 2s which can last from 1 1/2 to 3 1/2 easily lol

I'm in the terrible 12's currently. Voice change action going on. 20 minute showers and clogged drains... we all know what's going on there. I really need to have the real talk here soon, not the school one, but have been avoiding it. I was viewing porn online at my oldest kids age.

Have fun with the baby DhammaStep. The fun is only just beginning. lol.

WookieMan says

mell says

Your baby stays alive with me

Lol. My wife tells me this all the time. "You just keep the kids alive." I'm like no shit? What's the alternative?

I'm a Bill Burr type personality wise. Not as funny. But I'm raw. I also have boys, so it's easier in a sense to shoot the shit. I passively have told a friends daughter to fuck off when she was annoying me... she always does and she knows it... Regretted it as she is 11, but I'm used to my boys and did I mention she's annoying. She wasn't upset and laughed (she won that battle) and the parents gave no shits. If I did that in Chicago or Oak Park, IL I'd be immediately arrested for some reason.

Same. Told some nasty bay area kids to shut up in the restaurant, the look on their parents faces is priceless. But then I usually proceed and say "your parents are paying top dollar to have a nice meal at a nice restaurant, show them 1 hour of respect", which they can relate to. I told my wife that the 18 month year old either gets disciplined in the restaurant if he yells and screams, topples the high chair and fucks shit up, or, if she doesn't like that, we don't go out to nicer/slower restaurants with him. She chose the latter, fine with me. We still swing by the local tacqueria or burger place regularly for a quick drink/beer and food, but it's beyond me why parents take their kids to nice expensive restaurants only to have them annoy the shit out of everybody. Some kids are easy, but boys usually take until 2 1/2 to 3 years (sometimes longer) to take them out to nice restaurants, until then, outdoor places and quick and family friendly budget places. It is totally possible to train your kid earlier, but not without disciplining it, and that's not for everyone.

WookieMan says

mell says

Watch out for the terrible 2s which can last from 1 1/2 to 3 1/2 easily lol

I'm in the terrible 12's currently. Voice change action going on. 20 minute showers and clogged drains... we all know what's going on there. I really need to have the real talk here soon, not the school one, but have been avoiding it. I was viewing porn online at my oldest kids age.

Have fun with the baby DhammaStep. The fun is only just beginning. lol.

Oldest is 12 soon, so far mostly smooth sailing since the terrible 2s. Rrely a normal boys fight at school, more so breaking rules and etiquette around electronics.

mell says

Yep most don't, we're mostly wired that way. I can take physical care of any baby probably better than 80% of mothers,

WookieMan says

Lol. My wife tells me this all the time. "You just keep the kids alive." I'm like no shit? What's the alternative?

That's my perspective.

Remember that 80% of men are better at everything than 80% of women 80% of the time. And that 80% of child abuse comes from the bio mother. Everybody else is only 20%, from Weird Uncle Lester to Shack Up Stud Steve to Grandma to Nannies. Bio Fathers are actually highly unlikely to do damage relative to length of contact. Yet every Child Abuse PSA features "Evil Dad", because it's Socially more acceptable to both Feminist Leftoids and Tradcucks to go after the least likely culprit rather than the #1 danger, and most people/orgs are cowards.

Also, it's looking more like it's 1/3 Genetics, 1/3 Nurture, and 1/3 how those genetics mix together in an unknown fashion/mutations and react to the environment. You're really responsible for maybe half of the child's personality, not the whole thing. Do your best. That's why in the old days, 5 kids raised exactly the same with the same parents, 1 huge success, 3 okay, and 1 child in and out of prison or an Alkie Hobag Single mom.

I'm lucky my kid is a natural independent guy, I encourage it. He also likes to make a buck for chores, so I encourage that.

mell says

WookieMan says

Men don't have patience really.

Yep most don't, we're mostly wired that way. I can take physical care of any baby probably better than 80% of mothers, know what to watch out for and how to treat. Your baby stays alive with me, whatever happens. However when it comes to bitching and crying and screaming, to not sleeping or fucking shit up where I said no twice you will get zero patience and 100% consequences. That's why when they are newborns/infants, it's often better to just put them in a crib in another room and shut the door and take care of yourself. Most abusive violence to babies comes from mothers, and sometimes it started with wanting to be there for every little shit and cry until they reached a no sleep breaking point. Rule number one for parents is to take care of themselves first as long as the kid is healthy, they are far more brittle than their ...

Pretty solid advice. OP - don't forget boundaries and discipline.

I'm a father of a 14 year old boy. For what it's worth, in no particular order:

My wife and I always planned on her nursing him for as long as she would be able. When he was first born, he had trouble latching to the nipple. La Leche League (this was in TX) was a great help and resource, because doctors will try to get you to put the baby on formula ASAP. I was enraged that they were trying to guilt trip a vulnerable new mother onto the chemical treadmill. If there are latching problems, the newborn (assuming he/she is full-term) has enough fat reserves for a few days until mother and child learn to work with each other.

One key with nursing (and LLL will tell you this) - it's not about quantity, but frequency. The tit needs to be regularly excercised, and will expand its capacity over time. If your wife has limited production, that's OK , but she'll have to feed the baby a dozen or more times a day. Cosleeping can also help because the baby is always near the tit. Breast pumps are a poor substitute for mouth-on-tit. Breast milk contains tryptophan, which causes the baby to fall asleep (and the mother too). Feedings should be a time of relaxation and rest for them both. You'll have to keep track of what your wife is eating in case something in the breast milk causes a problem. My wife had to avoid certain foods because it gave the baby bad gas. A psycho relative of hers, in contrast, didn't do this and the child was chronically suffering intestinal issues.

For newborns - constant body contact works wonders. Swaddling also comforts the baby - after all, it has been curled up snugly in a womb for the last 9 months.

I agree with the poster who advised to learn the different crying sounds. Tired is a little more whiny than the ones for hunger, etc. In our case, we just developed a checklist - baby cries for all these things (I think it was 5 things), so run through the checklist. Remember one or both of you will be very sleep deprived.

Be watchful for signs of post-partum depression. This can be very dangerous, especially if the mother is the sole caregiver. If your wife has a network, make sure that it's ready to go once the child is born; ideally, she won't be left alone until it's clear that she's not having psychological issues. Post-partum is becoming more common these days, especially for women who are used to working and then have their life thrown upside down by 24-7 infant care. Full disclosure - my wife gave up her "career" to care for our son, and she developed PPD.

Developmentally, the first 3 months are the roughest in that the baby can't even sit up. At about 6 months things get better, because the infant can move around. Some children will walk as early as 9 months. It's hilarious to watch them walk, because their heads are so big relative to their bodies that they rock back and forth while they're doing it. Our child was an early walker, but didn't start talking until he was almost 2.5 year old. Every child develops differently - the nomographs and the way schools are structured convince people it's one size fits all. Mothers will brag about "my child does this," and it was very hard for my wife to get past her expectations when our boy still wasn't talking at 2 years.
old. Fast forward to now, and my boy is almost as tall as me, wears a size bigger shoe, and (before he hit puberty) would talk your ear off for hours.

For preschool we did Montessori - our boy liked it. Montessori believed that children become receptive to certain types of learning at different times, so they don't push X at time Y, but observe the children for signs of interest.

For toys, a small variety is good to start with, just to see what the child prefers. Some children like to work with their hands, while others act out stories. Our boy loved LEGO and the Thomas/Brio trains. Young children are extremely suggestible when it comes to movies, tv, computer - media in general. To a large part, and this is why advertising is so repetitive, what people like is directly proportional to how many times they see or listen to it. The only way to counteract this process is to use counter-programming techniques like Harry Palmer in "The Ipcress File." Young children haven't practiced counter-programming techniques, so they are readily susceptible.

When our son was around 5 years old, we introduced him to Buster Keaton's "The General." We were shocked when it became his favorite film for a good year or so. There was only one problem - he couldn't read the subtitles. When they would pop-up, he would say "Read!" That being said, some silent films are great for younger children, especially if you have a big screen, because they are a visual medium and teach facial expression.

Other random hacks:

Never give your child candy or chocolates with the outer wrapper on. If they don't know what the package looks like, they'll not throw tantrums at the grocery store checkout.

If a child watches TV and wants what's on the TV, go ahead and find an image on the intarwebs, print it out and laminate it to make it drool proof, and give it to him. The trick here is that young children can't extrapolate (unless he's a 5-sigma genius) 2D images to 3D, so they think it's the real thing. Our boy had plenty of laminated space shuttles and other rockets.

For teething pain, a really great cure is frozen organic blueberries. Make sure they're small - the regular blueberries might present a choking hazard. They are delicious and highly nutritious.

Choline is critically important for fat metabolism, so make sure your child eats as many eggs as possible. Eggs and liver have the highest concentrations of choline, but eggs are a lot more palatable.

If a child doesn't tolerate dairy, make sure you find out what's causing it. It could be lactose intolerance, in which case the child can have fermented dairy where the lactose has been converted, like yogurt, cheese, etc. If it's the milk protein, then that's worse, because fermented dairy is out as well.

Avoid any soy like the plague, especially if you have a boy. Soy is an estrogen mimic.

Boys like things that are tall or go high. Get some cheap nesting boxes that you can stack up real high. Get a cheap model rocket set and take him to the park to chase after it. By federal law, rockets are legal everywhere as long as they aren't coming down on houses or people. We were shooting off rockets in the park one day, and a cop came by. When he asked what we were doing, we were friendly and said "My son and I are lauching model rockets." We shot off a couple so that he could see that we knew what we were doing, and at the end, he said "I remember when I was a boy and we used to do this." I think we made his day.

Expose your child to the music you like (within reason - no Megadeth, Misfits, SOD, NWA at least until he's in his tweens/teens. Check out if there are local classical concert events nearby. Sometimes churches or other groups offer free concerts with amateur or pro-musicians. Protect your child's hearing by not exposing him to music that is mega-compressed (anything other than classical since 1993 because of the "loudness wars."

Show your child what quality is. Quality, nutritious foods. Have a decent sound system so that he can hear what good reproduction sounds like. NO HEADPHONES.

Young children love the outdoors. Encourage this.

If you're worried about lead contamination from living in an old house, get a good air cleaner. Depending on where you live, you might find IQAir cleaners use. These are $1K machines, but they are beasts and will completely clean the air of even viruses. It usually takes 1-2 years to purge the air in the ducts, etc. Once you see silvery ash (human skin) in the filters, you know you've eliminated the bad stuff.

Other used stuff if you come across it - Thermax steam cleaners are great for dealing with puke or doodie accidents on carpet. Used quality toys - legos, brio trains, lincoln logs.

As long as it doesn't present a health risk, get used stuff. Kids are cheap apart from daycare, and you need to save your money for when they get really expensive later on - besides college ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$), there are lessons and activities that cost $ - $$$, and what about bicycles ($$) or a car ($$$$$), or car insurance ($$$).

Best thread I've seen on here in a long time. And the most important one.

NuttBoxer says

Best thread I've seen on here in a long time. And the most important one.

I'd agree. I'm pretty sure active users are all men and likely 70-80% have a child somewhere... lol. Little disagreement.

I disagree with sterotomy on the music thing is the only one I caught. I was listening to Public Enemy when I was 8 or 9. Modern music is exponentially worse than that. It's massively more vulgar and sexual. Megadeth is nothing. There's also good metal that is poetry(esk). Listen to Opeth. That's heavy music, growling vocals, but no vulgar lyrics. Swedish. The songs feel like stories. Think lord of the rings with distorted guitar.

Female musicians might be the worst right now. It's all anger and a bitchy catfight. Definitely would not want my daughter if I had one listening to that shit. That's for a different thread though.

Huge thanks to everyone in this thread that offered advice. It's all invaluable.

Now, can anyone remind me what eight hours of sleep felt like again?

Give it a few years, you'll remember.

DhammaStep says

Huge thanks to everyone in this thread that offered advice. It's all invaluable.

Now, can anyone remind me what eight hours of sleep felt like again?

Haha, I'm a grandfather now and going through it again. Although not on a full time basis.

DhammaStep says

Huge thanks to everyone in this thread that offered advice. It's all invaluable.

Now, can anyone remind me what eight hours of sleep felt like again?

I could sleep 10 hours no problem pre-kids. I'm lucky to get 3-4 now. Not a joke. All mine are 10 plus age wise at this point. I'm just an insomniac and it sucks. Don't know if it was the kids or just natural/aging. It's been really bad lately. Took a break from weed for a job. Wife is traveling I think I might pound some tonight. I don't think I've had any since February.

Hope it's going well as I know this is an old(ish) post. One thing I'll say is time flies. I'm an hour from being 40 and I never thought I'd have a kid that calls me Shrek and tells me to "shut up Shrek" in the middle of a basketball game. We troll each other. Wife hates it, but it's fun for me and I think him. I didn't have a connection with my dad, so I've made an effort to have one even though it's pure sarcasm most the time.

Oh and don't freak out when your kid breaks a bone or has a problem. My youngest has poison ivy on his fucking face right now. His face looks like a balloon. Eyes don't open. He looks like a dip shit. I'd bet 8 out of 10 moms would have a fucking freak out and take the kid to the ER. Shits gonna happen, you gotta stay calm.

WookieMan says

I could sleep 10 hours no problem pre-kids. I'm lucky to get 3-4 now. Not a joke. All mine are 10 plus age wise at this point. I'm just an insomniac and it sucks. Don't know if it was the kids or just natural/aging. It's been really bad lately. Took a break from weed for a job. Wife is traveling I think I might pound some tonight. I don't think I've had any since February.

@DhammaStep - if you have insomnia, try melatonin. It was a godsend to me.

I was hugely resistant on taking "sleep aids", because I know once you get on them, they are hard to get off from, and some are downright dangerous. Ambien is dangerous. I know a guy that took that after a few drinks, and woke up in a jail cell. He had gone out to go shopping, bought more beer, got incredibly drunk, was pulled over with a DUI, and he swears he has no memory of anything. Not getting in the car, not driving to the store, not buying groceries, not being pulled over, not being arrested. It's a blank to him. The last thing he remembers was getting ready to go to bed.

Your body produces melatonin to ALLOW sleep. You can take 10 pills in the morning, and it won't effect you, but it will ALLOW you to sleep. Your body will not produce LESS melatonin if you take it either.

I used to lie awake for hours, exhausted, unable to sleep. It got to the point that I was confusing dreams with reality during the daytime. My neighbor repeatedly suggested melatonin, and I refused it for years. FINALLY, I gave in, and it worked.

Initially I would have extremely intense dreams. I would still wake up exhausted, and I took the pills (5mg?) every night for a month. At the end of the month, I was back to normal for the first time in years. I occasionally take melatonin now, but rarely. It wasn't the least bit addictive to me, and once I caught up on sleep, I didn't need them anymore.

You can buy melatonin at most grocery markets. Here it is on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Nature-Made-Melatonin-Tablets-Supporting/dp/B0828K6LF4

I'm a huge promoter of this, because it really helped me.

Al_Sharpton_for_President says

You get what you subsidize.