patrick.net

So I've been looking into options for my new house dick. Can't decide what type of wood I should go with: at first I was going to replace it with white oak since that's what my old one is. Then I started thinking a change would be good, maybe a mysterious, exotic wood from latin America? But the contractor suggests a nice mahogany- he says once i try that I'll never go back.

The thing is, whatever kind I go with has better be worry free. The last thing i need is a high maintenance dick - been there, done that!! No throwing money at it all the time, no commitments. Who needs that nonsense? Like, my girlfriend has a gorgeous dick from Italy - a real head turner, but what a supreme pain to keep up!! I just want to enjoy my new dick for the summer, and then do what i please.

Well, Liz, if your residence is in the polygamous state of Utah you can have hot summer dick, cool autumn dick, hardy winter dick, and young spring dick. But that might be a lot of dick to maintain. Maybe your vacation home could be dickless?

Leigh says

Well, Liz, if your residence is in the polygamous state of Utah you can have hot summer dick, cool autumn dick, hardy winter dick, and young spring dick. But that might be a lot of dick to maintain. Maybe your vacation home could be dickless?

Four dicks at once? the neighbors will think I'm a freak.

Quote: 'Yes - and a dick is always more fun when shared with friends.'

You're absolutely right Elliemae.

I've been told I have the perfect sized dick and I love entertaining women on my dick so I'd like to invite you all to come on over and enjoy it together. It's large enough to satisfy even the most fussiest consumer. It's one of those wrap around dick's. Some people will go to all lengths to find a dick this size. We could play pin the dick on the tail, or the other way, pin the tail on the dick.

If you want nice, sturdy, longer lasting dick, consider composite materials for your new dick. It's maintenance free too. Keeping it up and strong all the time is the hardiest part as you're getting older, and this new material will ease your worries.

Steve, I can't make it over right now as I'm on my brother's dick celebrating graduation.

OK, that just sounds so wrong. I might have to delete this one.

Anybody had any luck lengthening their deck? I've heard tell about such things. A longer deck could really come in handy, especially on weekends.

Mikey, location, location, location...that's all I gotta say about decks.

Well there's nothing wrong with keeping a close relationship with your siblings Leigh. I live quite far from mine and to be quite frank I have 2 younger siblings and they have both put on a lot of weight in the past few years. To tell you the truth I probably wouldn't invite them over to sit on my dick anyway as I'm afraid they would probably break it. Sometimes even the strongest dick will bend and break if you push it too hard.
Anyway you have a good time on your brother's dick and don't celebrate too hard or it might come crashing down without any warning and you won't be able to get off in time.

Leigh says

Mikey, location, location, location…that’s all I gotta say about decks.

Thanks for the tip.

Leigh says

Steve, I can’t make it over right now as I’m on my brother’s dick celebrating graduation.
OK, that just sounds so wrong. I might have to delete this one.

Sadly, both of my brothers have tiny dicks and their wives complain bitterly. They've tried keeping the lights on, but that just draws attention to how small their dicks are. When it's dark, it's harder to tell the size. I mean, we all try to tell them that size doesn't matter but they're so sensitive. Truth be told, little dicks seem to run in my family.

Leigh says

location, location, location…that’s all I gotta say about dicks.

Aren't most people's dicks in the same place? Seems like an odd comment - but then again, I'm an old fashioned gal who's really only had one dick my entire life. It's safer that way - I know where it's been, I'm not worried about who uses the dick when I'm not around...

I prefer all-weather dicks. You don't have to wrap them for protection. And, remember gals - I live in Utah. We have only one dick, but many women can enjoy it at once.

This is getting... um... hard.

Ellie Mae, 'location' as in location of the woman on the deck. Do I need to give you a map?!

I guess I didn't position myself right on that one, huh?
I'm really bummed right now - my dick is being really cold to me right now. It's blowing (out there) and there's white stuff all over it. I thought this was spring, where things take their time to bloom...

You know what they say 'sometimes it's better to be a tortoise than a hare'. It will cum sooner or later. Maybe old man winter is having a final blow. A friend of mine, Jack Meoff, told me after the white stuff is gone, not long after and it will spring again. Just wipe the white stuff off your dick and get ready to enjoy it again. Don't be so hard on yourself Elliemae. Everyone gets bummed some time in their life. Just learn to take it with a smile. Sooner or later you'll find the right position. Trust me.

:) I like you. you're funny.

Ditto Elliemae

Quote "Anybody had any luck lengthening their deck? I’ve heard tell about such things. A longer deck could really come in handy, especially on weekends."
Hey Mikey, I'm sorry to hear you're having problems with the length of your deck. I've never had that problem. Now let me understand this correctly. You say your deck is too short and your weekends would improve if you could lengthen it and you really want it to come in andy.
I can understand that your deck comes up short of your friends expectations but I don't understand how you're going to go about lengthening it.
First of all you already have a reputation of having a short deck and it will be hard to convince anyone that you've lengthened it.
Second of all even if you were successful in lengthening it most of your friends would have moved on to bigger and better dicks by now and you know what they say "cum see cum saw, bye bye".
If I were you I think you would have a better chance if you just went out and found a new group of friends that would appreciate the size of your deck. I hear there is a pygmy tribe over in New Guinea. Just a suggestion.
Barring that I could always introduce you to my friend Jack Meoff. He could teach you how to come in andy. Of course you probably knew that anyway.

Richard D. Pena

Mikey might have a small dick, but it sounds like he's got the matter well in hand. He graduated mikey cum loud, and he's spent hours in the bathroom pouring over literature about all sorts of dicks and the places they're erected.

Actually, I'm still trying to get a grip on this prickly situation. I was speaking more or less about width and not necessarily only about horizontal length. However, no contractor seems to want to touch it, not even with a ten foot pole. And they're all raising the issue of handrails for some reason.

Oh my God Mikey! Not only do you have a problem with length but also width. Let me see hmmm. Your dick is short and skinny, nobody wants to touch it and there are no handrails.

I'm afraid you're going to have to resign yourself to the fact that no one is going to want to sit on your dick and Mr. Jack Meoff is your only friend.

Oh and by the way if you/re getting a prickly situation while you're hosing off your dick I'd go get the advice of a Doctor right away.

Well, trouble in River City.

Elliemae popped over to the boyfriend's house in the middle of the afternoon and discovered another woman sitting on her boyfriend's dick. He said it was innocent enough - they'd had a couple of beers and one thing led to another and... He was puttering around cleaning his balls and she climbed up onto his dick when he wasn't looking. You all know the story.

She seemed nice enough, but what the hell was she doing sitting on my man's dick? I confronted her and she apologized, but she also said it might happen again because his dick is so nice in the afternoon. I guess her dick is under construction, that her husband's been going to the doctor alot - she wouldn't tell me why - but she did say that sitting on his dick can be uncomfortable these days. Until he's completed his course of treatment, the dick will be useless.

They'll get it in working order again, when he's feeling better. But I guess Ellie's gonna have to spend more time on her man's dick.

Girls forget how important it is to stroke a man, let him know his dick is special. I've learned a valuable lesson this time and will even gently scrub his balls tonight. He's already straight up excited.

Gee Ellie, sounds like your trouble LIES with the boyfriend's dick and not the dick hopper. It's common knowledge that some dick's are open to the public and some are exclusive. Which would you rather own? A dick with an open invitation or one that was rsvp with a special table for two and a nice bottle of wine.
Wasn't it you who said the following?
Quote "Aren’t most people’s dicks in the same place? Seems like an odd comment - but then again, I’m an old fashioned gal who’s really only had one dick my entire life. It’s safer that way - I know where it’s been, I’m not worried about who uses the dick when I’m not around…
You also said ....Quote "
"I prefer all-weather dicks. You don’t have to wrap them for protection. And, remember gals - I live in Utah. We have only one dick, but many women can enjoy it at once.
So which is it Ellie? McDonald's with many customers or the secluded little bistro with the special table reserved for two only?
Seems to me you better start looking into securing yourself some extra protection from the visiting dicknitaries. Don't overlook packing yourself a parachute for extra added protection also. It can sometimes be a long fall to the ground.
You might also want to start looking around for a new dick to replace the old unreliable one before it collapses or take a chance that the old dick will keep on standing even while on shaky foundations.
Remember storms come and go and the dicks without a secure foundation will collapse but the ALLWEATHER dicks will weather the storm.

stevenakon:

I was married for several years, I had a dick. It was a nice one, clean (one owner). My husband was thrilled that his dick was the pride of the neighborhood... when we broke up, the poor guy was dickless.

I don't have my own dick now - my boyfriend has had his own dick for years. I enjoy his dick and until yesterday I truly believed that it was mine to pretty much do with what I liked. I can still use his dick, but this pesky neighbor woman intends to use it too. I guess that we both can use it at once - some guys like that and actually take photos of such encounters. It's not like dicks wear out.

Maybe I need to rethink our relationship - I don't know. Or I can embrace his desire to have multiple women on his dick at once and even throw the meat at us at meal time. We can swallow most of his meat, altho when his friends show up and we're all eating out on the dick it can get a bit crowded. This is not to say that I have a problem with the size of his dick.

I do appreciate your advice, tho, and will start looking around for a new dick. That's food for thought.

Elliemae, old dicks, new dicks, they're all the same. I'm sure you know that by now. I have a friend with a double-decker dick and sitting on it is a fabulous experience. I like to sit on it at night in the Oakland Hills under the stars. Sometimes several of us gather and eat spicy food on his double-decker dick. He seems to enjoy entertaining that way. Having a double-decker dick gives him lots of room and he loves company. I gotta tell you though with new dicks, old dicks, big dicks, little dicks, high dicks, and low dicks I just can't get enough of those dicks.

I bow to thee. You're obviously a dick expert. :)

elliemae says

I bow to thee. You’re obviously a dick expert.

One excels at that which one loves. :)

Well, then, I should be pretty good at it too. But I haven't sat on as many dicks as you have, judging from your post.

Again - I'd like to thank the Realtor for providing hours of mirth.

elliemae says

Well, then, I should be pretty good at it too. But I haven’t sat on as many dicks as you have, judging from your post.

I think you may be surprised about that. LOL! But that's another conversation for a more personal forum. :)

Hate to brag, but my boyfriend is from Idaho. He makes a pretty mean dick-tater. :)

Well now up here in Canada we got your 6 inch hotdogs and your superlong dogs. A dick-tater just doesn't cut the mustard.

Canada? Bet the weather makes for some slippery dicks.

Yes Elliemae, in the winter time, when the nights are long, it can get quite slippery inside and out.

I also look forward to the long summer days when it can get quite hot on the dick stretching out into the late evening hours.

Sometimes the women have contests to see who can eat the most amount of hotdogs or who can swallow a whole one in one bite. It gets pretty exciting when it's a foot long hotdog. My dick has never seen better times than this.

I'm happy that your dick gets a lot of action. You sound like a nice man with a huge dick - big enough to satisfy several women at once - and I'd like to spend some time on your dick myself.

BTW, my very Mormon friend read this thread and she thinks that I'm obsessed with dicks. I thought that she figured that one out when we were in college - but she enjoys a tiny dick on a regular basis and evidently doesn't realize the benefits of a dick you can share with your girlfriends all at once.

elliemae says

I’m happy that your dick gets a lot of action. You sound like a nice man with a huge dick - big enough to satisfy several women at once - and I’d like to spend some time on your dick myself.
BTW, my very Mormon friend read this thread and she thinks that I’m obsessed with dicks. I thought that she figured that one out when we were in college - but she enjoys a tiny dick on a regular basis and evidently doesn’t realize the benefits of a dick you can share with your girlfriends all at once.

Mormons often deprive themselves of the good things in life like dancing, coffee, cigarettes, wine, weed, and non-procreative sex outside of heterosexual multiple marriages.

Elliemae, I feel like you're the sister I never had. I most certainly can appreciate a dick that is big enough for a party of friends to share. However, I often get greedy. I like to spend time on those large dicks all by myself sometimes. I like a girl who knows the value of a truly big and lovely hardwood dick.

Mormons dance and love sex, they just don't admit the sex part.

What bothers me about your statement is that you would keep a large dick all to yourself. They're so much more fun on a summer afternoon while you're sipping a cream soda with friends. Greed isn't always good, it's lonely and then you're on a dick by yourself while others are getting off enjoying their dick with their friends.

Once again, I must thank this Realtor for the enjoyment we've all gotten from her ad about a dick for sale. With a house attached... kind of like how we girls shop for men. :)

Quote " I’d like to spend some time on your dick myself."

Elliemae you can come on my dick anytime you desire and spend as much time on it as you want. I'm always eager to satisfy my friends. If there's only just one thing that I believe in though it's got to be that everyone should have a dick to love and enjoy anytime of the day or night. What good is a dick if it's only available at certain times and if you need to make an RSVP.

There's just only one thing I ask in return and that is if you're going to use it frequently please keep it clean. Don't be hopping from one dick to another and bringing over any uninvited friends. Mr. S. T. Dee is not welcome on my dick if you know what I mean.

Well here's to looking forward to you coming on my dick and with a name like Elliemae (as in 'The Beverly Hillbillies') it should be a full filling experience for you and an exploding experience for me.

Steve-

elliemae is 100% certified critter free. Except for the four-legged type...