patrick.net

Goran_K says

C'mon, you think masturbating and having sex with another woman discretely while married are the same thing?

a) you're rationalizing.
b) i never said it was the same. i said it's not that different (it's not).

from a biological standpoint, there is no difference - you're cumming in both cases. the fact that it's an image of a woman versus a real woman doesn't matter to your biology (you came in both cases).

the murder analogy is not a good one, imo.
a better analogy, i think, is:
* watching some fictional video(maybe political, religious) that angers you to murder someone versus
* being in a live situation(eg fight) to anger you and murdering them
* they're both murder.
* does it matter the catalyst to the murder was a video in one situation versus being in a real fight?

the premise is it doesn't matter much whether a fictional thing or real thing (porn vs woman or video vs live-fight) , causes the action(orgasm/murder).

Bigsby says

Goran_K says

I'd never tell his wife directly, I'm not that socially inept. I haven't even told my own wife. Plus I'm pretty sure he would get someone to kill me if I did go directly to her. But I feel like I should confront him, and let him know what a stupid mistake he's making.

YOU think it's a stupid mistake. He's obviously perfectly happy with the situation.

You are right it is not a "mistake", unless something bad happens. He is just choosing a high-risk approach to his relationship. Unfortunately his wife does not know the risk that she is being exposed to.

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

Hysteresis says

from a biological standpoint, there is no difference - you're cumming in both cases. the fact that it's an image of a woman versus a real woman doesn't matter to your biology (you came in both cases).

It is significantly more difficult to get an STD by masturbating.

leo707 says

You are right it is not a "mistake", unless something bad happens. He is just choosing a high-risk approach to his relationship. Unfortunately his wife does not know the risk that she is being exposed to.

And who knows what she's doing when he's away. Goran's already said she's an attractive woman. If she's so inclined, it would be far easier for her to get a knee trembler than her husband.

Bigsby says

And who knows what she's doing when he's away.

Yeah, but we can't operate on that assumption. Maybe Goran's wife knows?

Bigsby says

Goran's already said she's an attractive woman.

I don't know that attractiveness makes people more inclined to cheat.

Bigsby says

If she's so inclined, it would be far easier for her to get a knee trembler than her husband.

The same could be said for any woman.

leo707 says

Yeah, but we can't operate on that assumption. Maybe Goran's wife knows?

And she's kept quiet....

leo707 says

I don't know that attractiveness makes people more inclined to cheat.

I didn't say it did. I said it would make it easy for her to do so.

leo707 says

The same could be said for any woman.

Any woman? Do you want to fuck Roseanne Barr?

Hysteresis says

a better analogy

No, that's a horrible analogy. Can I get someone pregnant by thinking about sex? Can I get an STD from masturbating to thoughts?

We agree on this.
Bigsby says

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

Not on this.
Bigsby says

And who knows what she's doing when he's away.

Goran_K says

Not on this.

Bigsby says

And who knows what she's doing when he's away.

Eh? And how would you know? You aren't stalking her, are you?

I don't work on the assumption that she is a cheater when I have no way of knowing. Regardless, even if we could operate under that assumption, it doesn't make cheating right.

Goran_K says

I don't work on the assumption that she is a cheater when I have no way of knowing. Regardless, even if we could operate under that assumption, it doesn't make cheating right.

Hence, "who knows what she's doing when he's away."

Why is it your business? Different people live in different ways. perhaps it is an open marraige-maybe he is feeling you out to see if you are a swinger and will join.

I would let him be and let them figure out their lives.

1 out of every 25 people are sociopathic and when the damage and carnage is left strewn from his path ....pity the next victim in his sights

Bigsby says

leo707 says

The same could be said for any woman.

Any woman? Do you want to fuck Roseanne Barr?

Yes. Feel free to do a test. Put an add up on Craigslist that says you are overweight wife in your 50s, some people say you look like Roseanne Barr, and you are looking to cheat in your husband.

It sounds to me like the response would shock you.

Yes, it is true. Ugly people also like to fuck, and do indeed act on these urges.

You don't say. What has that got to do with what I said?

lostand confused says

Why is it your business? Different people live in different ways. perhaps it is an open marraige-maybe he is feeling you out to see if you are a swinger and will join.

I would let him be and let them figure out their lives.

Normally I would agree, but he did make it my business by telling me, and we're fairly close friends and business associates.

It's not like he's a total stranger.

Don't do it,. I mean what are you now, big government? ;) Plus, the toltec wisdom says:

"1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity.
Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love." He needs to do it himself, but you can suggest to him that he comes clean and what that means for your friendship. But ultimately this is between them.

APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says

Sure!

Show up on their lawn with a megaphone and announce the hubby is fucking everything that stands on two legs and isn't kept in a zoo!

While masturbating obviously.

mell says

He needs to do it himself, but you can suggest to him that he comes clean and what that means for your friendship. But ultimately this is between them.

This is where I'm leaning towards.

Goran_K says

I suppose I could send an anonymous e-mail, but then I would feel like it would still get back to me somehow. I mean how many people know he's a cheater, and also know how to contact his wife? That might be half a dozen people which includes me.

Don't email her right away!!!! That would give it away.

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

I wouldn't recommend interfering in someone else's marriage. Assume he was joking, which he may have been. Also, married couples tend to share priorities, even if they disagree on details. A friend said he couldn't vote for Hillary Clinton because she should have left Bill; I thought that arrogant, even if the marriage wasn't perfect they both got a lot out of it.

George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife Gracie. He thought she never knew, but he felt so guilty that he bought her a new centerpiece for the dining table that she wanted. Years later, at a party, he heard her telling a friend, "I wish George would cheat on me again, because I need a new centerpiece."

One concern though. Some guys get away with so much they slide into magical thinking, and imagine themselves immortal or at least invulnerable. If the subject arises again, ask him if he worries about how he would feel if he brought a disease home to his wife.

50% of married people cheat, so his behavior isn't any more unusual than someone not cheating on their spouse. Which is a pretty poor reflection on the institution of marriage.

That being said, I personally couldn't be friends with the guy if he continued the behavior because in my mind if would reflect poorly on me. You seem to feel the same way.

At some point his wife will probably catch on, if she hasn't already. However, for many wives, cheating isn't a dealbreaker. They are willing to tolerate it for financial stability, the kids having a dad, etc. If it is a dealbreaker, they will get divorced, he will loose half of his shit, and the family will go through an emotional train wreck.

There are studies that show children of cheating spouses are much more likely to cheat in their own relationships later in life. Which of course puts the kids at greater risk of having failed relationships.

To me the decision to tell or not tell comes down to the possibility of him infecting his wife with something like HIV, hepatitis C, etc. If she wound up with something like that, you would feel like crap, and there might be pretty severe consequences for your own marriage if your wife found out you didn't say anything.

Say nothing. It's not your place to do so.

zzyzzx says

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

There's a cheaters website?

ducsingle5313 says

To me the decision to tell or not tell comes down to the possibility of him infecting his wife with something like HIV, hepatitis C, etc. If she wound up with something like that, you would feel like crap, and there might be pretty severe consequences for your own marriage if your wife found out you didn't say anything.

This is one of the things I've thought about. What if she ends up getting some horrible STD?

I really like the guy, but he dropped a bombshell on me.

It's a tough situation - based on what you are describing it sounds like he had complete trust in you when he disclosed the cheating. Personally, I would not tell his wife.

Bigsby says

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

Obligatory:

Goran_K says

zzyzzx says

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

There's a cheaters website?

http://www.cheaters.com/

dublin hillz says

It's a tough situation - based on what you are describing it sounds like he had complete trust in you when he disclosed the cheating. Personally, I would not tell his wife.

Yeah, my general feeling is, it wouldn't be right for me to be the exposer. I'm going to chat with him, and if he wants to continue, it's his choice. Although, I do think I would rather keep our relationship more "professional" and business-like from now on.

Are you going to tell him you've been discussing it on a public forum?

Silence is golden.

I don't cheat on my GF but I gotta admit monogamy is NOT natural, it's a completely made up social construct (obviously).

That said, you really shouldn't say anything, let them sort out those kinds of things themselves.

CrazyMan says

I don't cheat on my GF but I gotta admit monogamy is NOT natural, it's a completely made up social construct (obviously).

Sure monogamy is natural. Lots of people (and other species for that matter) practice monogamy. That said cheating and multiple partners is also natural.

There's a lesson to be learned here.

Loose lips sink ships.

You never know when someone you thought was your friend will turn around and stab you in the back.

Goran_K says

during my days at Goldman Sachs

If you had worked at GS, you might have learned to trade against your clients. What is this mean? If GS says buy, perhaps one should really sell because that is what GS is doing for their own account.

First thing is to verify the truth... did you see him having sex with the mistresses?

I haven't seen the act in person, but I don't see any reason why he would purposefully lie to me.

Like I said, I've sort of decided to keep out of the actual confrontation that may occur, but I will tell him my opinion of his activities.

Goran_K says

I haven't seen the act in person, but I don't see any reason why he would purposefully lie to me.

Maybe he is telling another close friend about a "steady" in Atlanta, and another about one in Boston.

Now he quietly waits to see what steady lover his wife is going to complain about.

Trust me, she already knows.
Having a friend point out the obvious would put her on the spot to make a decision based on what people thought about her, rather than what she would rather do.

That being said, I am not a horn dog, and can't bring my self to be one. But I do have friends, family and acquaintances who are huge horn dogs, and I'm quite certain their wives know. They've only broken up about ten times over the course of their marriage over it.

You may motivate her to act on the information you have, but that doesn't mean she will be grateful, and none of four of you, will never be the same friends again. Probably more than likely they will continue as a couple, he's showering her with his bounty right now. But they'll cut you guys off from their lives so they don't have to deal with the awkwardness of having to deal with you again.

Time wounds all heels.

He'll get his in the end, about the time, he's chewed up and spat out on the down slope of his climax in his career. About into the 2nd year of job hunting, and foreclosure notices start coming. Hornboy wont be so damn sexy to her then.