patrick.net

lostand confused says

Why is it your business? Different people live in different ways. perhaps it is an open marraige-maybe he is feeling you out to see if you are a swinger and will join.

I would let him be and let them figure out their lives.

Normally I would agree, but he did make it my business by telling me, and we're fairly close friends and business associates.

It's not like he's a total stranger.

Don't do it,. I mean what are you now, big government? ;) Plus, the toltec wisdom says:

"1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity.
Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love." He needs to do it himself, but you can suggest to him that he comes clean and what that means for your friendship. But ultimately this is between them.

APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says

Sure!

Show up on their lawn with a megaphone and announce the hubby is fucking everything that stands on two legs and isn't kept in a zoo!

While masturbating obviously.

mell says

He needs to do it himself, but you can suggest to him that he comes clean and what that means for your friendship. But ultimately this is between them.

This is where I'm leaning towards.

Goran_K says

I suppose I could send an anonymous e-mail, but then I would feel like it would still get back to me somehow. I mean how many people know he's a cheater, and also know how to contact his wife? That might be half a dozen people which includes me.

Don't email her right away!!!! That would give it away.

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

I wouldn't recommend interfering in someone else's marriage. Assume he was joking, which he may have been. Also, married couples tend to share priorities, even if they disagree on details. A friend said he couldn't vote for Hillary Clinton because she should have left Bill; I thought that arrogant, even if the marriage wasn't perfect they both got a lot out of it.

George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife Gracie. He thought she never knew, but he felt so guilty that he bought her a new centerpiece for the dining table that she wanted. Years later, at a party, he heard her telling a friend, "I wish George would cheat on me again, because I need a new centerpiece."

One concern though. Some guys get away with so much they slide into magical thinking, and imagine themselves immortal or at least invulnerable. If the subject arises again, ask him if he worries about how he would feel if he brought a disease home to his wife.

50% of married people cheat, so his behavior isn't any more unusual than someone not cheating on their spouse. Which is a pretty poor reflection on the institution of marriage.

That being said, I personally couldn't be friends with the guy if he continued the behavior because in my mind if would reflect poorly on me. You seem to feel the same way.

At some point his wife will probably catch on, if she hasn't already. However, for many wives, cheating isn't a dealbreaker. They are willing to tolerate it for financial stability, the kids having a dad, etc. If it is a dealbreaker, they will get divorced, he will loose half of his shit, and the family will go through an emotional train wreck.

There are studies that show children of cheating spouses are much more likely to cheat in their own relationships later in life. Which of course puts the kids at greater risk of having failed relationships.

To me the decision to tell or not tell comes down to the possibility of him infecting his wife with something like HIV, hepatitis C, etc. If she wound up with something like that, you would feel like crap, and there might be pretty severe consequences for your own marriage if your wife found out you didn't say anything.

Say nothing. It's not your place to do so.

zzyzzx says

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

There's a cheaters website?

ducsingle5313 says

To me the decision to tell or not tell comes down to the possibility of him infecting his wife with something like HIV, hepatitis C, etc. If she wound up with something like that, you would feel like crap, and there might be pretty severe consequences for your own marriage if your wife found out you didn't say anything.

This is one of the things I've thought about. What if she ends up getting some horrible STD?

I really like the guy, but he dropped a bombshell on me.

It's a tough situation - based on what you are describing it sounds like he had complete trust in you when he disclosed the cheating. Personally, I would not tell his wife.

Bigsby says

FFS, having a wank is not remotely the same as cheating on your wife.

Obligatory:

Goran_K says

zzyzzx says

Anomalously email her the link to Cheater's website!

There's a cheaters website?

http://www.cheaters.com/

dublin hillz says

It's a tough situation - based on what you are describing it sounds like he had complete trust in you when he disclosed the cheating. Personally, I would not tell his wife.

Yeah, my general feeling is, it wouldn't be right for me to be the exposer. I'm going to chat with him, and if he wants to continue, it's his choice. Although, I do think I would rather keep our relationship more "professional" and business-like from now on.

Are you going to tell him you've been discussing it on a public forum?

Silence is golden.

I don't cheat on my GF but I gotta admit monogamy is NOT natural, it's a completely made up social construct (obviously).

That said, you really shouldn't say anything, let them sort out those kinds of things themselves.

CrazyMan says

I don't cheat on my GF but I gotta admit monogamy is NOT natural, it's a completely made up social construct (obviously).

Sure monogamy is natural. Lots of people (and other species for that matter) practice monogamy. That said cheating and multiple partners is also natural.

There's a lesson to be learned here.

Loose lips sink ships.

You never know when someone you thought was your friend will turn around and stab you in the back.

Goran_K says

during my days at Goldman Sachs

If you had worked at GS, you might have learned to trade against your clients. What is this mean? If GS says buy, perhaps one should really sell because that is what GS is doing for their own account.

First thing is to verify the truth... did you see him having sex with the mistresses?

I haven't seen the act in person, but I don't see any reason why he would purposefully lie to me.

Like I said, I've sort of decided to keep out of the actual confrontation that may occur, but I will tell him my opinion of his activities.

Goran_K says

I haven't seen the act in person, but I don't see any reason why he would purposefully lie to me.

Maybe he is telling another close friend about a "steady" in Atlanta, and another about one in Boston.

Now he quietly waits to see what steady lover his wife is going to complain about.

Trust me, she already knows.
Having a friend point out the obvious would put her on the spot to make a decision based on what people thought about her, rather than what she would rather do.

That being said, I am not a horn dog, and can't bring my self to be one. But I do have friends, family and acquaintances who are huge horn dogs, and I'm quite certain their wives know. They've only broken up about ten times over the course of their marriage over it.

You may motivate her to act on the information you have, but that doesn't mean she will be grateful, and none of four of you, will never be the same friends again. Probably more than likely they will continue as a couple, he's showering her with his bounty right now. But they'll cut you guys off from their lives so they don't have to deal with the awkwardness of having to deal with you again.

Time wounds all heels.

He'll get his in the end, about the time, he's chewed up and spat out on the down slope of his climax in his career. About into the 2nd year of job hunting, and foreclosure notices start coming. Hornboy wont be so damn sexy to her then.

Goran_K says

Yeah, my general feeling is, it wouldn't be right for me to be the exposer. I'm going to chat with him, and if he wants to continue, it's his choice. Although, I do think I would rather keep our relationship more "professional" and business-like from now on.

I wouldn't even do that.
He's throwing you a bone, because you have camaraderie with him, if you break that link and seem judgmental on his life choices, then what good would that do you?

You can keep it professional, by saying things like "Ah, uh, gee how 'bout those Mets?" when he brings the subject up.

leo707 says

Maybe he is telling another close friend about a "steady" in Atlanta, and another about one in Boston.

Now he quietly waits to see what steady lover his wife is going to complain about.

Well he does remind me of Tyrion Lannister.

CaptainShuddup says

He'll get his in the end, about the time, he's chewed up and spat out on the down slope of his climax in his career. About into the 2nd year of job hunting, and foreclosure notices start coming. Hornboy wont be so damn sexy to her then.

Though that would be sad, I do believe in karma, which is why I'm willing to chat with him about it.

Goran_K says

Though that would be sad, I do believe in karma, which is why I'm willing to chat with him about it.

Well you do what you want, but people tend to not appreciate moral superiority.
That's not to say, we don't love to be morally superior.
See there's a problem, You're on your high horse, and he's on his horse well there's a horsie on his Ferrari. You both trying to head each other off at the pass, but with different objectives.
He's trying to throw you a bone, in the form of work, he's supposed to be the "Good boy", now if you're trying to the be long ranger too, by telling him, he's a bad man. Then his efforts is all for naught. There's not enough hand rails on that ride for two, one of you will have to get off.

I say rat him out big time. It will make your life a lot more dramatic and interesting for a while, but maybe not as pleasant.

Also, his wife might decide to revenge fuck all of his friends and acquaintances, and you might be on the list!

DO NOT DO IT.

Divorce is extremely costly. It can cause family wealth to diminish upwards of 75% when you account for attorney and court fees.

Divorce is also extremely unfair to men in America.

If you really are his "friend", you would keep your mouth shut.

And it's not only for him but for the kids.

Once his children have finished college, then you can go rat him out if you want. Although I still advise against it.

It's also better you keep your nose out of people's affairs and business which is none of you concern.

Children become permanently scarred through divorce. Screw his money-hungry bitch of a wife.

The children are more important than her.

If he had no kids, than fine. Go rat him out. Even than I would not suggest it.

But since he has kids, I DEMAND AND FORCE YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Goran_K says

What if she ends up getting some horrible STD?

What if the kids end up as some horrible criminal because they don't have a father?

Majority of male criminals in prison are raised from single mothers because they never had a father figure or male role model to guide them properly. Mothers are useless when it comes to becoming a man.

Majority of std-infested prostitutes, porn stars and whores come from single mothers.

The wife probably already has an STD. Let's now prevent the children from becoming criminals and getting STDS.

Fuck the parents. They are not important. They have already lived their life. Let the kids live in peace and give them a chance a normal healthy life.

And you want to rat him out because you had a small little issue, quarell or disharmony with him?

Goran_K says

betraying his families trust

Divorce attorneys will betray his families trust.

PLEASE SHUT UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

I have had a lot of experience with divorce, it's effects, costs and have done a lot of research into it.

Do not get involved in other people's stuff. People have been brutally murdered over stuff like this.

Not saying you will be, but you never know.

Instead of getting involved in other people's mess, go worry about yourself.

And no, I don't think it's good with what he did and is doing.

Goran... You are just like fucking realtors...

Fucking up the children's inheritance and family wealth.

Keep your mouth shut, none of your business, etc.

If he tries to bring it up again tell him to drop the subject, and tell him to be careful on who he tells this shit to. You are an honest guy and probably would never blackmail anybody, but some people would.

Tell him that it's in his best interest to shut up.

lol

I'm not going to rat him out. I think that's a horrible idea, and I do think he might harm me (who wouldn't).

But I still want to try and talk some sense into him.

Goran_K says

While I do find her attractive, I couldn't do it. Sleeping with your friend's wife is probably one of the worst things I could think of ever doing.

And also the tawdry premise of a lot of bad porn...

"I need you to fuck my wife..."

what is 'rub beards'? urbandictionary doesnt have it.

Funny thread but be aware if you interfere with a mans marriage/children that is 'declaration of war' and you might not like the rules he plays by.

Well he could instantly cut my income by 20%. So it's not like this goes without risk.

That being said, he's a good friend, I doubt he would flip out with me trying to talk him out of being a cheater.

Goran -- first off, I admire your moral hygiene. You're a regular Galahad, whose heart is in the exact right place here.

My first bit of advice: don't assume everyman is about as good a person as you are, (or strive to be), and therefore, accountable to the same code. You also cannot assume that every woman expects or anticipates that their man is about as good a person as you are, (or strive to be). I think some people just don't want to be totally alone in the world is all, and they put up with the inevitable vagaries of long term commitments as well as the shortcomings of shitty men (and asshole women).

It could well be that there are undercurrents in this man's marriage that both he and his wife already sense, but which remain untagged in order for each of them to function as reasonably "together" human beings. IOW, the idea that this stuff has not yet or will never come out in the laundry is totally farfetched. Most women's intuition is impossibly acute. As insane and counter-intuitive as it sounds to someone with a high moral thread count, it could be that this particular time is just not the best for either of them to look under the rug at all the bugs they've both been sweeping under there. I think this thing will take care of itself eventually.

And, as someone else mentioned, it could also be an open marriage, perhaps even only implicitly. As progressive and fashionable as this sounds to some middlebrow intellectual types, this arrangement will also not last, (because really, what is the point anyway?), and is usually a last gasp in a relationship.

The best thing for you to do is to learn from this experience. Be sensitive to the woman and open up to your own woman about how it makes you feel. Really, seriously -- talk about it. As for your friendship with this fellow...he sounds like more of a colleague than friend. Therefore, I recommend keeping your cards close. Asking anyone to look at something they're doing is almost always going to create tension, but especially something of this magnitude. The fact that he's so glib about his corruption and dishonesty toward the one person on the planet he should be striving to do right by has probably already diminished your respect for him, which makes tasking yourself with the herculean effort of putting him in touch with himself that much less compelling.

In other words, fuck that guy.

If it were me, I'd let it slip to my wife that he was fooling around. Your wife can probably better gauge what to tell, or what not to tell, his wife. She will probably be able to drop a very subtle hint that plants the seeds of doubt with the other wife (if she doesn't already know). If she does already know, she'll brush off the subtle hint, otherwise, she'll start watching him and looking for signs (which would be pretty easy to spot). Not to drop stereotypes, but guys totally suck at reading this sort of stuff.

His announcing it to you so casually means either he:
a. trusts you (which will be destroyed if you tell)
b. thinks he's indestructible (which means he's lost touch with reality)
c. wants out of his marriage, but doesn't want to initiate it.