patrick.net

Career limiting tattoo

When you see it...

Nerds will find this hilarious.

zzyzzx says

I went there and got a facial.

The coach had put
together the perfect team for the Chicago
Bears.

The only thing that was
missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European
leagues, but he couldn't finda super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl
win.

Then one night while
watching CNN he saw a war-zone
scene in the West Bank.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade
straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!
He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!
Then he
threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has
the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the
States and teaches him the great game of
football.

And the Bears go on to
win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed
as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all
the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says
into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says.
“You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleads.
"I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here
among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell
you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there are gunshots all around
us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten
within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister
in the house so she doesn't get raped!”The old lady pauses,
and then tearfully says..........

"I will never
forgive you for making us move to
Chicago!!!!"

Lol, but actually, I worked with an Israeli guy named Shmuel at Motorola in Chicagoland (Schaumburg) who told me that his father took him aside when he was going to America and told him to be careful because it is not nearly as safe in the US as it is in Israel.

rando says

not nearly as safe in the US as it is in Israel.

I'm a thinkin more meme than fact?

Whoops maybe his dad was right.

http://www.nationmaster.com/country-info/compare/Israel/United-States/Crime

At least the rich people will be the first to die when the apes take over.

Sounds like the probably fictitious tombstone of cowboy:

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les, No Moore

Straw Man says

Um, why is the janitor wearing a sexy little black dress and pumps? Why aren't the janitors where I work like that? I mean hot, not ugly and wearing that stuff.

Dan8267 says

Straw Man says

Um, why is the janitor wearing a sexy little black dress and pumps? Why aren't the janitors where I work like that? I mean hot, not ugly and wearing that stuff.

Because she's not a janitor?

And how the fuck you determined that the broad is "hot" and "not ugly" from a 30x30 pic?

How did he take the picture?

Future Republican voter...

www.youtube.com/embed/wPOgvzVOQig

www.youtube.com/embed/FHJS6Kaxv9g

Trust Fall Fail

www.youtube.com/embed/Ru5hUbi5CD8

Salt Shaker Prank Vine Compilation

www.youtube.com/embed/V-Nb_YL0OfA#t=38.08

Best Funny Salt Shaker Trick Vines Compilation April 2015