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The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

"to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off."

Headline: God Answers Prayer Of Crippled Boy
Subheadline: "No" Says God

"My father can beat up your father."
"Oh yeah? Well my father IS your father."

You should not judge anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

These jokes don't add up.

3 separate jokes. Too lazy to post individually.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a dollar and a quarter. Jill came back with $2.50

What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre

So I think to myself, why is that frisbee getting larger? Then it hits me.

Doc, how long do i have?
5.
5 what?
4, 3, 2...

Build a man a campfire and he'll be warm for a night.
Set him on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life.

An elephant goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
"That's 10 dollars" says the barman.
"Say we don't get a lot of elephants in here"
"Not at these prices you don't."

A man goes to see a psychiatrist. Doctor: "What's the problem?" "I think I'm turning into a dog."
Doctor: "OK, come over here and lay down relax and we can talk more about it."
"I'm not allowed on the furniture."

A man goes to the doctor "I have a problem, my dick has turned orange."
Doctor: "Let's take a look. Oh, it is orange. Let me start to take your history. What do you do for starters?"
"I mostly sit around watching porn and eating Cheetos."

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

I saw a green hat while I was in Paris. The shopkeeper said, "20 euros". It sounded like a reasonable price so I asked if he had it in tan. He said, "15 euros". I said, "No, I want it in tan". He said, "OK, 10 euros".
I bought the green hat for 10 euros.

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper. A guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes, stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Whenever anyone says I look familiar, I respond with "Do you watch porn?"

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."

You can't stop drinking if you never start.

I don't drink anymore. I don't drink any less, either.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy

But ossifer, I thought you said you didn't want to come back here again tonight!

When I read about the evils of drinking, it makes me want to stop reading.

My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks straight from the bottle.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

Patrick says

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

Ouch!

Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?

It seats six.

"Biologists Confirm God Evolved From Chimpanzee Deity

BERKELEY, CA—Challenging long-held views on the origins of divinity, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley, presented findings Thursday that confirm God, the Almighty Creator of the Universe, evolved from an ancient chimpanzee deity.
***
“The great-ape god was, however, considerably smaller in stature, having not yet developed the capacity to occupy all space and time simultaneously.”

According to experts, divine life began as a single-celled all-powerful organism roughly 3.6 billion years ago, eventually evolving into a multicelled, sponge-like deity that bobbed and floated across the chaos of the early universe. Kamen explained that over hundreds of millions of years, the godlike life form became more complex, with limbs that allowed for locomotion across the endless expanse of the heavens, and sophisticated photoreceptor cells capable of seeing all things.
***
“However, it appears that the chimp deity often exhibited extremely aggressive behavior, in some cases unleashing its divine wrath with little if any provocation toward the mortal chimps it created in its own image.”

He added, “It is our understanding that these creatures lived in a kind of jungle-like forerunner to the Garden of Eden, until a day came when their enraged creator cast them out, flinging feces at them as they fled.”"

A man and his wife had a small child. The wife told her husband "We have to stop saying 'let's fuck' because he will now understand. We have to use code. When you want to have sex with me, say 'may I borrow your washing machine?'"
They use this system. One night the husband asks "May I use your washing machine?" "No, I have a sick headache."
Later she wakes up and she's in the mood. "Wake up, do you want to use my washing machine now?"
Husband. "It was s small load, I did it by hand."

A doctor looked down into his coat pocked and saw a thermometer. "Some asshole's got my pencil."

A couple couldn't conceive. They found out the husband had low sperm count. They decided on artificial insemination. The female went to the doctor with trepidation.
In the waiting room another female told her "Honey, it's nothing. The doctor gets a small bottle from the refrigerator and you just squirt it in."
With the doctor she is instructed to remove her clothes and lay back on the small padded table. He left the room and came back naked and started to climb on top of her.
"Doctor, wait! I thought it came in little bottles!"
"Sorry lady, we're all out of bottled, you have to take draft."

A boy walks into his parents bedroom and sees his parents having sexual relations. The woman is on top.
"What are you doing mommy!?"
"Oh, you know how daddy's stomach is big? I am trying to push it down so his stomach looks flat."
"That won't work mommy; when you leave in the morning the neighbor lady comes over and blows him back up."

René Descartes walks into his favorite bar. The bartender asks, "The usual?" Descartes begins to answer, "I think not..." and disappears.

What does the Pilsbury Doughboy have underneath his apron?

Donuts.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.

Why did the banker quit his job?

He lost interest.

The democratic party