patrick.net

PALO ALTO, CA—According to sources, Tito Gourdwhack, CEO of WeebyHQ Software Solutions, is a very socially conscious business leader who prides himself on using his wealth and influence to make the world a better place, just like Google and Facebook.

For this reason, he is always sure to tell every one of his new employees he will fire them at the drop of a hat if people on Twitter ever want him to.

"To be a good and moral person, it's important to always obey what mobs on Twitter say to you," he said to his reflection in the bathroom mirror, which is the only thing he can get to look him in the eyes. "Everyone knows that Twitter people are the greatest voice for truth and decency the world has ever seen, especially when they get together in mobs."

Every morning, Gourdwhack goes into the office early to search Twitter for the names of his employees to see if any online moral busybodies want him to fire anyone.

"I may be the boss of my company, but Twitter is the boss of me," he said. "I will gladly destroy the lives of anyone who works for me to preserve my image as a good progressive person. If I find out anyone in my office is on the wrong side of history, I fire them on the spot without question. It's just the right thing to do."