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That was the downed USS Enterprise, captain Kirk's last ride.

Dear Scott Morrison,

G’day from Trimley St Mary!

I have to admit I’d never heard of you until recently. Please don’t be offended by that as nobody outside Australia had. At least not until you showed that Serbian upstart No-vax Djokovic what for by banning him from your glorious country! I know your heroic actions on that matter caused you quite a bit of flak in some quarters, but rest assured, it enamoured you to at least two individuals in Trimley St Mary who ever since have been your biggest fans. And now, and this is the reason I feel compelled to write to you, you have proven our loyalty justified!

Just when most Western leaders seem to be struggling to work out what to do vis-à-vis Vlad the Mad, you’ve led the way! Banning Putin from Aussie shores shows you mean business. If that doesn’t send shockwaves through the Kremlin I don’t know what will! If there’s one thing Vladimir Putin could do with right now, it’s a holiday! Let’s face it, war is no picnic and must be rather stressful even for despots like Vlad. But he won’t be getting any rest and recreation Down Under thanks to inspired leadership like yours!

To my mind, your stance on this is psychological warfare at its best! Destroy a man’s dreams and you destroy him. And any dreams Putin’s been harbouring of a guided tour of the Sydney Opera House are gone for good. Sorry Vlad, the dream is over. No boomeranging on Bondi for you, or picking up a duty free didgeridoo in the airport on the way home either. You nailed him Scotty! Ker-pow!!

Now, I know the knockers might argue that this is an empty gesture on your part, but as empty gestures go I say it’s one of the best, and no doubt a massive vote winner at home. I mean, let’s face it, I bet the last thing your average Aussie wants when visiting the local supermarket is to bump into Vladimir Putin in the Gluten Free section. Banning him is the right thing to do! Just as you’re also right to ban unvaccinated Australians abroad from returning to their home country. As far as Mrs Trevor in Trimley and I are concerned, you are unerringly correct to equate the unvaccinated and Putin in this way and punish them equally. Any Australian abroad who doesn’t trust a vaccine producer like, say, Pfizer, just because they once had to pay out the biggest healthcare fraud settlement of all time, has issues with authority, and is already on the slippery slope to getting themselves a Sherman tank and heading for the local TV station.

As a matter of interest, now that you’re in the thick of the war effort to support Ukraine, will you be taking your share of refugees from that country? I hope so, but of course Mrs Trevor in Trimley and I trust you will only be accepting the “fully vaccinated” refugees and leaving those Ukrainians who have their own ideas about healthcare, you know the type, organic food nuts and herbalists, etc, at the mercy of the invading Russian army? It’s no more than they deserve!

On another note, I believe you have an election coming up in the next few months and I wish you the very best with that. I hear you have been campaigning hard with your “secret weapon,” your wife, Jenny, who apparently helps you to look human. Good luck to you I say, use the little woman anyway you can. I did exactly the same in the now notorious 2018 parish council elections here in Trimley St Mary. Unfortunately, my wife proved to be less of a secret weapon and more of a weapon of mass distraction. I was only 43 minutes into my closing remarks when she lost consciousness and had to be carried from the building. Not a helpful contribution. On the upside, the hitherto broken Trimley community rallied together as one for the first time in years, as everyone present offered to drive her to the hospital, even those who didn’t own cars.

Keep up the fight, at home and abroad!

Yours sincerely,

Trevor in Trimley