patrick.net

Wiseman says

I got lucky. Second wife made up for all the pain of the first. Beautiful old school and brilliant. Did not want kids. For me she is perfect. And she is Canadian.

First thing you must remember, You will never be her first priority. Her children are (or will be)

You conflate adult priorities w/ childs needs.

If you let a child be raised by television set don't be surprised if they join a gang, do drugs, or turn homosexual. Children should receive priority and guidance, but you should still make time for your relationship with your wife, just as she should make time for you.

FortWayne says

or turn homosexual.

Not sure if that was a joke or you are being serious.

zzyzzx says

Wiseman says

You will never be her first priority. Her children are (or will be)ome

Already pretty high on my long list of reasons not to have kids, but thanks for the reminder!

When a boy becomes and man, he leaves childish things behind. After all, it's only for 18 years and you are bringing up and nuturing another human being into this world, so you can put some of your needs aside and not be the center of your universe for that amount of time at least.

Wiseman says

/Users/bob/Desktop/Tiffany.jpg

lol

MsBennet says

zzyzzx says

Wiseman says

You will never be her first priority. Her children are (or will be)ome

Already pretty high on my long list of reasons not to have kids, but thanks for the reminder!

When a boy becomes and man, he leaves childish things behind. After all, it's only for 18 years and you are bringing up and nuturing another human being into this world, so you can put some of your needs aside and not be the center of your universe for that amount of time at least.

I take it you are not familiar with the boomerangs?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boomerang_Generation

MsBennet says

When a boy becomes and man, he leaves childish things behind. After all, it's
only for 18 years and you are bringing up and nuturing another human being into
this world, so you can put some of your needs aside and not be the center of
your universe for that amount of time at least.

Same for a woman. When a girl turns 18, she becomes a woman- an equal person who is responsible for herself and her decisions. Not rely on a man to take care of her for life-that is a husband, not a daddy. The laws need to change to reflect the current reality of equality.

The reality of equality may not exist in the real world. When people marry, their priorities mix. If she, or he, is a lagging spouse, moving to support their spouse's career goals, then their post-divorce options are not equal. If someone stays home with the kids for a few years, perhaps because it makes financial sense within the context of the marriage, that person will most likely make less money for the rest of their life. Women are more likely to sacrifice their career goals for family, but men sometimes do it, too. It would be utterly unfair to ignore those circumstances. If someone prioritizes family and their spouse's career, then they do really need to be compensated for what they gave up.

Many females make a career out of roosting the nest by choice. In fact, I had to pay my ex-wife with an extra allowance to incentivise her to keep working outside the family, that's on top of hiring two full-time nannies working in two shifts so she could keep a part time consulting job in her field that paid very well.

That being said, I don't find it especially objectionable to have the divorce laws somewhat tilted in favor of women: women have much shorter marketable shelf life. When a man and a woman get married in their mid to late 20's, the woman's market value on average is much higher than the man's simply due to her youth and sex appeal (another way of saying how the male population is hard wired). After 10 years of marriage, by the time of their late 30's, the woman's shelf life will have nearly expired as far as finding life time mates is concerned whereas the man is still quite marketable, perhaps even more marketable than 10 years earlier if he has made something of himself.

Back to the original poster: if you want the marriage to last, spoil her on little things but always let her know who's in charge on important decisions in your lives. Despite all the talks of gender equality, women want men whom they can look up to. It's hard to do when your ages are really close, but try to remember that she will get bored and leave you when you suplicate her too much and let her be in control of you (and yes she will try instinctively without even intentionally doing it). Haven't you noticed how many women want little puppies and kitties? They always want a new one after having had the old one for a few years. Don't become one of her house broken pets. Otherwise, you might be the nicest man in the world, but people only appreciate that which they have lost . . . that applies to woman as well as to man.

Eliza says

The reality of equality may not exist in the real world. When people marry, their priorities mix. If she, or he, is a lagging spouse, moving to support their spouse's career goals, then their post-divorce options are not equal. If someone stays home with the kids for a few years, perhaps because it makes financial sense within the context of the marriage, that person will most likely make less money for the rest of their life. Women are more likely to sacrifice their career goals for family, but men sometimes do it, too. It would be utterly unfair to ignore those circumstances. If someone prioritizes family and their spouse's career, then they do really need to be compensated for what they gave up.

Eliza says

The reality of equality may not exist in the real world. When people marry, their priorities mix. If she, or he, is a lagging spouse, moving to support their spouse's career goals, then their post-divorce options are not equal. If someone stays home with the kids for a few years, perhaps because it makes financial sense within the context of the marriage, that person will most likely make less money for the rest of their life. Women are more likely to sacrifice their career goals for family, but men sometimes do it, too. It would be utterly unfair to ignore those circumstances. If someone prioritizes family and their spouse's career, then they do really need to be compensated for what they gave up.

That is a choice. I work mostly in IT and have worked in many parts of the country. For some reason, I have had more women bosses than men-very capabale women with kids and families, who have managed to juggle everything and still rise. Yes some were divorced and remarried, others took a lower level job for a while till the kids grew up and then climbed back. If they can do it, then the ones who choose to stay at home are making a choice and should not be rewarded for that. In today's world, you have washing machines, vacuum cleaners, cars, ready made food, clothes, 24/7 electricity and maybe 1 or 2 kids. It is not like back then when you popped 13 kids, had to gather firewood, milk the cows, tend to the harvest, keep enough food stored for the winter , cook and clean and take care of all 13 kids.

You asked for equality and got it-now act like an equal. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Today's divorce and bizarre child support laws does not encourage women to be independendant. There is great dignity in working for yourself and earning your own money and contributing equally.

"First thing you must remember, You will never be her first priority. Her children are (or will be) "

In response to the above, I would suggest ANY Male considering marriage to take a long, careful look at the woman they're thinking of marrying and ask themselves the following critically important question...

Does this woman feel having children is part of our relationship together, or is our relationship (to her) part of us having children?

Just my .02

DOC

There are so many disturbed and uninformed comments in this thread that I barely know where to start.

Here's one: divorce rate for 1st marriages between 2 that are highly educated and marry later in life is fairly low. Something like 20%, though happy to see the real stat.Factor in 2 that came from intact families and it improves even more.

To me that points to more success with marriages of equals, more mature than the typical couple, and people that have evidence that marriage has ups and downs but usually works when the deck is stacked correctly.

Marriage with someone from a third world is only successful because the woman had few other options and is making the best of it.

Denying women are raped and abused at rates far greater than men smacks of fox news reporting during the election.

Because it is so hard to prove, it is rarely reported or prosecuted, especially in other countries. Haven't you been reading about India this past month?

And children need to be someone's priority after they are born. They don't raise themselves.

You want your wife to continue to treat you as her priority? You get what you give.

Denying facts doesnt make them any less true. I'm done arguing with an uneducated troll.

anon595 says

Marriage with someone from a third world is only successful because the woman
had few other options and is making the best of it.

Rubbish. Third world women have to pull their weight. Many are working and taking care of their families. Many times, their men may go off to far off lands to do physical labor, so they can bring back enough money to buy a house or land etc. Women run the show and are quite valued. Here everything is automated and a housewife -especially the upper income ones do nothing and want the moon in a divorce-just because the law allows it. Tiger Woods had to give 100 million dollars for a few years of marraige-how bizarre.

It is not women who are at fault, but the laws which have gone haywire.

anon595 says

Denying facts doesnt make them any less true. I'm done arguing with an
uneducated troll.

Typical response from an ideologue who has no answers and so throws a temper tantrum-I am right and that is the only position there is in the world.

Gents, haven't you thought that, perhaps the tilted divorce laws are there to prevent a glut of available mature established gentlemen on the dating scene so that the young men have a chance at all?

It was not until after divorce at the end of a decade-long marriage that I realized why the hot chicks in their early to mid-20's were so hard to find when I had been that age.

Consider divorce as a balloon payment or disposition fee on a leased car that you couldn't possibly afford buying when you are young, so you are now free to get a new sporty model. Knowing the "expensive" divorce at the end now, would I have married back then? Absolutely! The first half decade were very happy years, worth every penny. Where else would you be getting off? Renting on a daily basis would have been far more expensive than the long-term lease, not to mention risking blackmail if doing anything in violation of the letter of the law. The kids are much more fun to play with than dogs and cats, and live much longer; just let them know which side of their bread gets buttered.

For the original poster: it's actually not a bad idea to treat her like a lease property that you can not possibly afford buying. Regardless what's said at the altar, the reality is that you do not own her, so do not make investments in her according to ownership of her and thereby having specific expectations on her bending her ways to your liking. At any time she may decide to leave you, and you should consider that as a blessing too as you will be opened to a vast green pasture. That live-and-let-live attitude actually might let the marriage last longer, hopefully your whole life time ;-)

New Renter says

Go ahead but averting your eyes won't make it go away

So you are saying consenting sex is rape, just because the woman changes her mind the next day and calls it rape??

And here is a poor young man freed from prison after his "victim" confessed it wasn't rape. He spent six years in prison and lord knows how many times he was raped there. Of course his victim and her mother sued and got 1.5 million dollars.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2012/05/ex-football-player-breaks-down-after-rape-charge-dismissed.html

Even after this, they didn't have to return the money and do not face criminal charges either. How many such men are there?

Well Patrick that's what your website has morphed into. If I am interested in such raunch I would find it elsewhere.

It's been fun.

Valentines Day law firm special - free divorce contest:
http://www.wbentleylaw.com/freedivorcecontest.html

While we can improve on dynamics of man/woman relationships in america, I think that the countries where the man is solely measured by his paycheck and the woman is solely expected to be an obedient homemaker is the ultimate form of bastardly degradation.

New Renter says

each encounter should be required by law to be videotaped by an independent witness

There's an app for that!

It's also reportedly a hidden feature of many hotels.

curious2 says

New Renter says

each encounter should be required by law to be videotaped by an independent witness

There's an app for that!

It's also reportedly a hidden feature of many hotels.

Well whadda know!

Free divorce for Valentine's Day

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2277216/Free-divorce-Valentines-Day-Attorney-launches-unorthodox-competition-help-unhappy-couples-forward.html#axzz2JiANsxMo

Oxygen says

Free divorce for Valentine's Day

Here’s my analysis of the link you posted: Don’t be a rung on someone else’s climb on the social ladder. Guard your heart carefully. Don’t trust beyond your ability to survive betrayals cost. Most will use you to better themselves and discard you when temptation surpasses their ability to control their own greed.

Here's one that requires deep, deep metaphorical analysis by all who dare to read further (don't read this). On the surface, it sounds so very simple, but in the end (no pun intended), can be most cleansing:

“He who eats too many prunes will sit on toilet for many moons.”

After reading the above quote, one must ask, “What is my prune and where is my toilet?”

The next quote is near and dear to my heart. This one I especially love. It drives me to be a better individual:

“That which we hate most is within us.”

This is a link to two things I most hold dear in life. It is these things that I find make life most worth living.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/3sQEb9TSACY

Maintenance Often Costs More Than Purchase
Avoid horses, boats, airplanes, wives, kids, co-ops, time-shares, and country clubs.

http://www.esquire.com/features/finances/the-20-immutable-laws-of-personal-finance-1-10#slide-15

Confucius once said "for a man, love is 95% horniness and 5% weakness" so that's enough said about love.

divorce rates in California are higher than the nation average. and yes there is a 75% of unhappiness if you choose to get married.

marrying a mail-order bride has only 20% divorce rate.

if you must marry American, choose one that makes at least as much money as you do because chances are you will get used, abused, cheated on, divorced but at least you won't lose any money.

Buster says

Religion % have been divorced

Jews 30%

Born-again Christians 27%

Other Christians 24%

Atheists, Agnostics 21%

this makes perfect sense. you can only give so much "love" so the more you love "God" then the less you love your spouse.

Oxygen says

Maintenance Often Costs More Than Purchase

Avoid horses, boats, airplanes, wives, kids, co-ops, time-shares, and country clubs.

Too long-winded.

IF IT FLOATS, FLIES, OR FUCKS IT'S CHEAPER TO RENT!

Happily married since 2005. She's careful with money like me, so a good match. Maybe you end up with a bad one, maybe a good one. As my 5 year old says "you'll never know, until you go!". People too afraid to give commitment a shot are losers IMO.

Vincente:

Married people like yourself, who view singles as losers are pathetic, and I can tell .. your snide comment is directed .. mostly at men. You a feminist fer sure now.

Vicente says

People too afraid to give commitment a shot are losers IMO.

So go buy another house already!

Or are you a commitment shy loser?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/QlvuatQH12E

everything says

Married people like yourself, who view singles as losers are pathetic, and I can tell .. your snide comment is directed .. mostly at men. You a feminist fer sure now.

I have a bevy of friends who FEAR commitment of any sort however, endlessly trying out new mates and finding each of them wanting and discarding them. At a certain point it's the Princess and the Pea story. I recently demoted some of my pre-marriage friends this last year. The aging Lothario trying to chat up the 20-year old waitress is eventually just unpleasant to watch.

I have nothing against single people at all. If you are happy that way fine. However some of them aren't actually happy, they are constantly searching for something after all, if they are dating. At some point you should dive in.

It's been a while since I've come back here but I have to thank all of you for sharing your insight and experiences. That was a very educational and entertaining read folks.

I know this wasn't addressed to us girls, but as I think you all know, that is an open invitation for a women to read it. :-)

The key to a healthy relationship is work. Yes, you have to remember what you appreciated about the person the first year you knew them. It's true, it's not as easy to keep passion alive when you go to the bathroom and get sick in the space. When the chase is over and realize that the other person is also just a person with faults -boom-, it gets harder. But it also gets easier, because you realize new things you love about them too. Love does grow and blossom, if you make sure to nurture it.

I'm still in love with my husband after 25 years. We still argue, but we know that we are not going anywhere, so it's safe to disagree. We have learned to take care not to make each other's family the enemy, which is often too easy to do. We also don't make finances the center of our world. We both know that dirt poor or rich would not make a difference to our bond, just our ease of life. Too many people (especially women) make too big a deal about money in a relationship; if a man can help buy her a car, house, a ring, etc. And too many people are too hung up on youth and appearances (especially men) which is another issue because everyone gets old, and no one should feel like they will be ignored when they get there. Avoid people who can't get over these two trappings; they are not ready for a committed relationship.

Also, keep in mind that your spouse is not your enemy. Too many husbands and wives go into competition with each other to see who is the "better" or more loving partner. Don't go there.

That all said, the most important thing to remember is no one is perfect, so you love them with all your heart, imperfections and all. Make an effort to appreciate each other and say it too. Be grateful. Say a prayer, or affirmation of gratitude in your heart for them. Stop, hug and grab each other's hand. These are difficult times, we are all tired and we all need love and appreciation. All of us; liberals, conservatives, bears and bulls, all of us.

I love being married to my husband and I adore our glue. :-) I could never get through this world without his love.

hrhjuliet, refreshing to sometimes get a real woman's perspective who understands it's not about money and appearances. Thank you as well.

You also made an interesting point about men being more caught up on appearances and women more on money (if you have to choose a sex).

My 33yrs of experience has been a little different living in the Bay Area. You are spot on about women caring about a man's wallet more than a man caring about a woman's, in general.

But when it comes to appearances, it's a coin toss as to which sex is generally shallower in that regard... I've encountered just as many shallow women as men when it comes to the appearances dept. Imagine what it would be if women didn't have a biological clock...